If you’ve got a penis, you’ve probably been asking yourself this since the first moment you realized other people had one, too. Size is the age-old question, and for millennia people have compared, discussed, and worried over their size.

Big dicks haven’t always been the ideal, though. In ancient Greece, small boners were preferred. The body had to be tight, but the penis should be small. To be large and hard was considered vulgar. So if societal standards about penis size can change from one culture to the next, why are we all so worried about it?

The short answer to the size question is that sometimes size matters, but not in the way you think it does.

Too Big is a Thing

For all the porn out there that focuses on long-dong schlongs that look like an arm thrusting in and out of a vagina, too big can be quite painful for some people. Some women and people with vulvas (who don’t identify as women) are very uncomfortable when their partner is too big. In some positions, it feels like being punched in the gut (except it’s really the cervix), and it doesn’t make for a fun experience.

Guys with large penises don’t always love it either, because they can’t fully penetrate their partner. While the vagina has amazing elasticity (no, it won’t get “stretched out”), it needs a lot of warm-up, lubrication, and time to accommodate really large objects. Why do you think pushing babies out is so damn painful? And we have to do it without lube!

Position Matters

For a guy who’s less than average in the penis department, typical sex positions may not feel great for you or your partner. Okay, maybe it feels effing amazing for you, but maybe not so much for your partner. To get around that, switch position.

Doggy style, spooning, cowgirl, and reverse cowgirl are all great alternatives. Frankly, if you’ve only been having sex in one position this entire time, you’ve been missing out. It’s definitely time to change your game — regardless of how big or not your junk is.

Focus Less on Penetration

I know that part of the stress over size is about comparing yourself to other guys or worrying your partner is comparing you. But, let’s be honest, you’re worried about being “good in bed” or “great at sex” too. You don’t need penetration to be great at sex. In fact, if we can just all agree to redefine sex as sexual pleasure and intimacy instead of sticking Tab A into Slot B, we’d all be better off.

So if you’re too big for comfort or smaller than you’d like to be, here’s a new idea. Worry less about penetrative sex. There are so many damn things you can do with and to your partner to make them feel good. Oral sex comes to mind. So do fingering and handjobs. Using sex toys together. Finding out how many times you can get them to make their O-face. Masturbating together. The list goes on. And none of those things are relevant to the size of your penis.

Take Care of Your Partner First

It’s okay to still really want to have penetrative sex with your partner, and it’s also really okay if they want that, too. But if you feel like your size limits what you can do, there’s one workaround that never fails.

Take care of your partner first.

That’s right. Make them feel insanely good. Get them off as many times as you can, in the ways they love, for as long as possible. Don’t rush this part because it makes all the difference. Make penetration your absolute final move. By then, if you’re larger than average, your partner might be able to accommodate more of you. And if you’re smaller than average, your partner will already be satisfied, and you’ll have less performance anxiety.

“It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean” really is true. It doesn’t matter how big or small your junk is. What matters is what you do with it, how you find mutual pleasure with your partner, and whether you focus on other methods. And if you hookup with a partner who’s less than impressed (or even a little nervous) with what they see, your technique and moves may surprise the hell out of them.