You and your partner have a lot of ways to enjoy sex and get each other off. Contrary to what you might believe, many people with vulvas don’t orgasm during penetrative sex, though. Like…a lot of people don’t.

They need more than the D (dick or dildo, your choice), no matter how much they might enjoy it. Fingering your partner is more than ramming a finger or two in and out of their vagina like a replacement penis, too. If you want to make your partner scream and come all over the place, you might want to work on your fingering game.

Trim your nails and get ready to become a fingering hero. Here’s what you need to know.

Get Slippery

In most situations, as your partner gets turned on and aroused, their vulva will become wet and relaxed, ready for whatever’s about to go down. But the body is complicated and things don’t always happen the way we want them to. Fool around together and hope natural lubrication makes an appearance. But if not, grab some lube like it’s no big deal…because it isn’t. Using lube doesn’t say anything about either of you. It’s a tool to make sure you and your partner have a good time together. So you can both chill out about it, okay?

Slow the Hell Down

Now that your partner’s slick and slippery, it’s time to get started. This isn’t a race, and you’re not being timed. You might like a quick wank, stroking back and forth like you’re starting a fire, but many vulvas (and the people attached to them) prefer something slower. Start slow as you make your way from the outer labia, to the inner labia, over the clitoris, and eventually, if your partner wants it, into the vagina. Only speed up if your partner wants and likes it.

Find the Clit

For many, many people with vulvas, they need clitoral stimulation to feel good and potentially get off. Penetration might be nice, but for these people, you’re going to need to ring their doorbell. But first you have to find it. Ask them to masturbate for you and see how they touch themselves. Or ask them to tell you when you find their hot spots. Unlike a jungle explorer, don’t go tearing through the terrain here. Stay slow and gentle and pay attention to how they react. You can usually increase pressure and speed once you reach the clit, but let them tell you when to go faster or to back off a bit.

Check In and Ask Questions

As your fingers move in and around their vulva, especially once you find their clit or decide on a speed and style of motion, start checking in. Ask “Is this good?” or “Do you like this?” And, this is the important part, do what they want and change your fingering style based on their responses. You know what makes fingering really good? When your partner touches you the way you like and makes it clear that they care about what you like. Let your voice get all seductive and gravelly so you feel like a stud or growl your questions in their ear, but ask lots of questions until you know what they like.

Insert One, Maybe Two Fingers

Some people love three or four fingers or to be fisted. That’s a thing, and if your partner likes that, have fun! Most people would rather you start out a bit slower. Insert one finger in their vagina gently. Based on feedback, reaction, or having asked, insert a second finger. Don’t wiggle them around like you’re searching for your keys! Stroke back and forth slowly and gently either behind the clit or down towards the spine. These tend to be two hot spots in many people’s bodies.

Finding Those Hot Spots

Okay, so let’s talk about the “spots” in a vulva. There’s the clit which shouldn’t take a map or a compass to find. When in doubt, ask your tour guide. Then there are the g-spot and the a-spot. The g-spot is a ridged patch inside the vagina toward the “front.” The a-spot is toward the bottom or closer to the spine. Both spots tends to feel like a rough patch of skin once you find it. Whether this feels good to your partner depends on their preferences. Some people go wild once the g-spot and a-spot are stimulated and some don’t. People who like it sometimes enjoy stroking or tapping motions.

Be Gentle Until Told Otherwise

Everyone is different, but you already know that. That includes when you’re fingering them. Some people want slow and gentle. Others want rough finger-fucking that makes them scream their head off. Always start with slow and gentle, and then check-in. If they say “Harder” or “More” or “Is that all you’ve got?” that’s a green light to apply more pressure, more fingers, or more something.

Ultimately a successful fingering is one where your partner gets what feels good to them and you’re the one who made them feel amazing. If they want you to keep going or do it again, you’ve done it right. Never assume you know what to do with a new partner, and always keep the lines of communication open with any partner. Remember, your job is to give them pleasure that they enjoy.