BDSM and kink are not inherently the same things. People who are into BDSM will tell you they’re kinky, but not everyone who gets kinky knows or cares about BDSM. But there is more overlap than most people realize, because the things we do for fun are so very similar. The difference, for the most part, is the intention behind the act.

Whether you want to spice up your sex life or you have a few kinky urges you don’t quite understand, it’s good to know what it’s all about.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is an acronym for multiple identities, activities, desires, and needs.

• Bondage (B) — primarily about being bound by rope, words, or promises or being the one who binds
• Discipline (D) — primarily about telling your partner what to do doing what you’re told
• Dominance and Submission (DS) — primarily a relationship about control and power
• Sadism and Masochism (SM) — primarily the pleasure of giving or receiving pain, physical or mental

The key to all of it is power. Who has control and who gives it up? Who gets tied up (bondage) and who does the tying? Which of you is the dominant and which the submissive?

Each of these can be learned and explored as a discipline (pardon the pun). There are structure, rules, information, and protocols that players follow. That’s not to say that there’s only one right way to enjoy bondage or to be a sadist, but there is a framework of what’s acceptable and what’s safe within BDSM.

What is Kink?

Kink, on its own, tends to be a less formal, more relaxed way to play with the elements of BDSM without the rules, protocols, and/or framework. Maybe you tie up your partner on a whim or you enjoy getting your butt spanked during sex. For someone who enjoys kink but doesn’t identify with BDSM, it’s often more about what seems like fun in the moment that they and their partner both enjoy.

Kink is equally as valid as BDSM. You can be kinky without going to special meetings (munches) or doing extra research, getting more education, and attending workshops. To be clear, you can be fully into the BDSM life and not do any of those things either. But when you consider yourself kinky, it’s even less likely. Being kinky also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ignore safety. Use BDSM resources to learn what to do and what not to do when you get kinky.

Casual vs. Lifestyle

For the most part, those who identify as being into BDSM will call it a lifestyle. No two people will have the same exact lifestyle, but many of us will tell you it’s a part of who we are. We can have sex or relationships without BDSM, but we don’t want to. Maybe we feel unfulfilled or maybe the urges are too strong.

Getting kinky implies a more casual nature. It happens in the heat of the moment, when you’re feeling it with your partner. Maybe it’s something you do on occasion or without thinking about any deeper meaning. If you’ve never thought about why you like to be spanked or what your love of rope means beyond, “This is fun!” that’s okay. But if you do start wondering what else you’re into or what it all means, the BDSM world is filled with people asking the same thing.

The Language of BDSM and Kink

In BDSM there are a lot of terms. We have our own language and acronyms, even for people who don’t necessarily see it as part of their lifestyle. We have a common purpose, and understand the language the other speaks, even when we don’t enjoy or understand specific kinks or fetishes.

When you’re into BDSM and follow it as a lifestyle, you know what you’re into because of the labels you choose for yourself. There are clear patterns and protocols of what can happen whether you’re into bondage or you’re a masochist. You can (and should) adjust the meaning of labels and titles to fit your preferences, and many of us do.

For those who are “just” kinky, they can’t always easily identify what makes it kinky other than that it’s not what they think of as “normal” sex. They tend to mean that it’s not the slow, sweet loving making you see in movies. But beyond naming the acts they consider kinky, there is no standard language to use. Kinky is kinky is kinky, no matter what you’re doing.

BDSM Words You May or May Not Know

To give you a taste of the language of BDSM, here are just a few words you may or may not know:

• Bondage
• Rigger
• Rope bunny
• Domme
• Dominant
• Submissive
• Little
• Pet play
• Aftercare
• Safeword
• Impact play
• Humiliation fetish
• Alpha sub
• Top
• Bottom
• Boot blacking
• Cock and ball torture (CBT)
• Tickle torture

If I kept listing the language of BDSM, we’d be here forever. Some words have seeped into the popular culture, but in BDSM they have very specific meanings for people.

Is this all there is to BDSM and kink? Of course not. What does kink mean to you? Are you curious about BDSM? Both are worth exploring because when you find what works for you, they both lead to a lot more sexual pleasure — with or without a partner.