I love talking about sex. To the appreciation, amusement, and sometimes slight annoyance of the folks I have sex with, I talk it before, during, and after the sex itself.

Though I love talking about sex, I know I need that level of communication to feel comfortable with a potential partner. As a young queer woman with anxiety trying to navigate the world of kink and dating, in order to feel safe enough to have sex with someone a lot of discussion has to happen first. What I need to discuss goes beyond the basic ‘elevator speech’ where you talk to a partner or partners about what you’d like to do together and discuss your STI status and safe-sex practices. I like sex with kinky folks because they’re used to doing more talking about sex as limits and boundaries need to be discussed. Even so, I sometimes worry that I ask for too much.

However, there’s no such thing as too much talking. To show you this, there are a couple of things of the things that don’t feature on an average yes/no/maybe list but are most definitely part of the five things I do before sex.

Talk about my vagina

I have – or I think I have – vaginismus, which is defined as the involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina. The tight muscle contraction makes sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration painful or impossible. It’s believed that around 2 in every 1,000 women have vaginismus, but that doesn’t make it any easier to tell new partners that right now I can’t have vaginal penetration.

PIV sex – that is penis-in-vagina sex – is generally considered the ‘bread and butter’ of heteronormative fucking. I know I’m not “broken” but I’m scared of other people might think I am. I don’t like anything at all inside my vagina, and pressure to “give it a go” is decidedly unsexy.

Ask for a safe-word

Even when I’m having utterly vanilla sex, I like to have a safe word. It isn’t only because I enjoy role playing a struggle fuck or similar consensual non-consent scenarios, but because I want to make sure there is a word that will jolt me out of the sensations as well as my partner. Especially if I’m playing with impact play and receiving pain from ‘stingy’ implements like whips or canes, my moans of pleasure and pain can sound very alike. I feel much safer if I have a distinctive word – whether that’s “red” or “Newton” – to tell both of us that I need a moments break.

Discuss the poly thing

I’m beginning to experiment with polyamory and trying to work out exactly how I want to do relationships. Right now, I have a number of friends with who I fuck and flirt with, and this fits perfectly with my current desire for exploration. I don’t like the term ‘friends with benefits’ but I do like having casual and kinky sex with people I trust. Of course, this requires two people to be on the same page – and I much prefer things to be put explicitly than just implied.

In my head, I like to know exactly what I am to my partners – am I going to be for a fuck buddy or a girlfriend? Are we going to be dating, or just meeting up once a week so I can get a spanking and maybe give a blow job? Labels were important to me when I was figuring out my sexuality, and now they help me to sort out my emotions and make sense of potential platonic ‘feels’ I might have for a partner.

Tell them what aftercare I need

I engage in filthy, kinky sex and love every minute of it. However, even after more ‘standard’ sex acts, like someone eating me out and playing with my breasts I will need a little bit of aftercare. This generally comes in the form of snuggles and chocolate, and potentially some discussion about what we’ve just done, especially if it’s sex with someone new. While you should never try to persuade someone to do something they aren’t comfortable with, however for me this is a hard limit – I won’t have sex with someone if they can’t give me some form of aftercare.

Confess my biggest kink

I am – by my own turn of phrase – a word slut. While I have a lot of kinks I love to include in my sex, from spanking to bondage to piss play, my biggest kink is that for words. I like trying new things a great deal, and almost anything can be made hot to me if it’s described in the right way. Add a little power play to almost any scenario, and I’ll be eager to try wax-play or face slapping or whatever other delightfully kinky thing my partner has suggested we try. Words, when wielded by a skilled partner, can make me more aroused than anything else does.

I like Bex Talks Sex’s yes/no/maybe list – which he describes it as a negotiation tool for sex nerds – for this very reason. It doesn’t only encourage folks to talk about what acts they might enjoy together but also discusses how they want to feel in a scene and what language you’d like to hear while you’re having sex. Words also show me that a partner listens to me and pays attention to the language I like.

I hope hearing about my pre-sex points of conversation will encourage you to talk to your partners about the sex you have! In my opinion nothing is hotter than enthusiastic consent and talking about sex is a wonderful form of foreplay.