The first couple I ever met who identified themselves as polyamorous were as lovely a pair as they come. I was astounded by their connection to each other. And with their seamless adoption of a romantic lifestyle that included much more than experiencing love, sex, and affection with just each other.

And yet at the time, I wasn’t sure if it was something that I could ever do. Now, five years older and with a long string of unsatisfying and even toxic relationships behind me, I question if those who identify as polyamorous, open, or this new term, “ethically non-monogamous” aren’t actually on to something.

Monogamy and Culture

Monogamy is a layered topic—one that can easily turn into a discussion of larger philosophy and morality. So the leap from simply non-monogamous to the addition of “ethically” as well isn’t so misplaced. Some see monogamy as an impossibility in their own lives because of their desire to experience different kinds of love simultaneously. Others assure themselves that monogamy is a fail-proof protection from betrayal, and not only that, monogamy is what a serious relationship entails.

Monogamy has been something we as people have been taking part in for centuries, but so is non-monogamy if you think about it. It was widely accepted in noble circles worldwide for those in power (and those that weren’t) to have mistresses, concubines, and brief affairs outside their marriages. Men and women were taking part. And not to exclude the LGBTQ community, affairs and relationships outside the marriage also included those that were same-sex. This practice protected those who could not be “out” in a society where being queer could mean a death sentence.

As time wore on, the counterculture movement accepted all forms of love and sexual expression, especially relationship practices outside the norm. The ‘60s and ‘70s gave rise to a larger group of participants in non-monogamous and open relationships, swingers, and even more rebellious forms of sex and love within the confines of serious relationships. Yes, if you think about it hard enough, a lot of those people were our parents.

Changing Labels and Relationships

In the modern age of apps and digital communication however, relationships and the modes in which we date have become more complicated. Labels and boundaries are more distorted. And the bombardment of knowledge and access to it makes us more prone to challenging societal and philosophical stereotypes. That said, we’ve gone to great lengths to protect ourselves from emotional brutalization (remember that a vast majority of us come from, sad to say, “broken homes”) and have a tendency to keep our partners or potential partners at a distance.

Fear perhaps isn’t the main reason we’ve become more interested in open relationships and non-monogamy though. Millennials are a generation culminated from overt liberalism and radical acceptance. Where the counterculture opened the doors to less conservative lifestyles, millennials continue to bulldoze that same door. We are adventurous, educated, and to be honest, really have nothing more to lose on top of enormous student debt and stagnant wage growth.

Understanding Ethical Non-Monogamy

Non-monogamous relationships aim for a more satisfying experience of the intimate relationship. What successful open relationships hope to foster are environments that cater to those who want to be loved, and have the opportunity to love, several or a couple different people at the same time. They hope to heighten the frequency at which we experience sex and love, and all the other intense feelings that come with them.

According to Carolyn, a long time participant in polyamorous relationships, with experiences both positive and negative, polyamory has actually been the only way she’s been in intimate relationships. After a bout of unrequited love, (we’ve all been there) and the beginnings of a “yes” phase, she decided to take a chance at dating a married couple. Though it wasn’t the best example of polyamory, in that it was more restrictive for her than what you’d imagine a poly relationship to be, she did find that these types of relationships were the ones she would be seeking in the long term.

The attractive quality of polyamory and non-monogamy is a simple explanation for Carolyn:

“Polyamory works for [me] because [I] like that feeling of falling in love and want to be able to keep experiencing it with new people… and because life is hard so why not try to experience, and give, as much love as possible?”

This seems like a simple explanation, and a poetic one, but still there is the question of how true trust and communication can arise in a relationship that welcomes other people into it. Another friend who happened to be in an open relationship years ago told me about the rules her and her partner had set so as not to hurt or betray each other. These rules were mostly aimed at keeping what happened outside of the relationship quiet and private. As opposed to some other poly or non-monogamous couples who choose to know the details of their partners’ other relationships.

Either way, non-monogamous couples usually go to great lengths to keep their partners from getting hurt. Sometimes, the same can’t be said for strictly monogamous couples. The argument can even be made for the longevity of open relationships being more or less sustainable because each partner is able to explore all of their desires, and potentially get all of their sexual and emotional needs met.

Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. Even if I have wondered about what this sort of relationship could bring to my life, so much so that I broached the subject with a couple of previous partners, one of which responded positively, while the other could best be described as absolutely not down. I still can’t imagine sharing a partner that I truly loved with other people, and I would secretly hope they wouldn’t want to share me either. While you could chalk that up to socialization, there may be an element of natural jealousy, of the idyllic penguin-mating relationship that can sustain all obstacles, that explains why some of us don’t want to share.