Woke : wōk adjective : Aware of and actively attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social injustice). Per Merriam Webster.

Hopefully, you know what woke means. The term has been thrown around since 2014, when the Black Lives Matter movement gained momentum. Ever since, we’ve been using “woke” in various forms to address those of us whom are decidedly not up to date on their social justice knowledge, and urge them to do better as citizens of the human race.

How Woke Do They Need to Be?

Regardless if these sleeping on privilege folks do, in fact, get woke, those of us who already are (or think we are) have seen these political and social commentaries slipping into our DMs and our dating pools, too. Remember the cordial days when bringing up politics and religion were forbidden on first dates as a way to keep from scaring off potential suitors? (Bringing up exes is still not cool, people.) Gone are the days that we give a fuck about those cordialities, and enter the absolute need-to-know facts regarding a date’s level of wokeness.

After all, would you want to spend the precious time you have on Earth waiting until the third date to sleep with someone, only to discover that upon entry to their home there is not only a MAGA hat sitting proudly on a confederate flag on the mantelpiece. And that your date intends on you fixing him a sandwich before you even have cunnulingus-less sex? That is only the first nightmare I’ve got off the top of my head, but dear reader, insert your nightmare here.

Millennials have options. Because of this, and because of the political climate we currently live in, many of us want our partners to be clued in to the injustices that run rampant in our culture. That’s not to say we want to make sure a potential boo will come to every protest with us — though that sounds very hot to me. More importantly, that this boo cares about the message being sent by protesting or having these difficult conversations in the first place.

This utopian idea of perfectly synchronized wokeness may seem far-fetched, but there’s also the element of wokeness that relies not only on equality, but empathy for your fellow human. Requesting a woke partner isn’t too much to ask. Not caring either way is your prerogative. So, how do we navigate these woke waters without drowning?

It’s My Wokeness and I’ll Cry If I Want to: Being “Too Woke”

One of the wokest people I know has had that very wokeness described as a little “too woke.” This is a new turn-off that springs from the apathetic nature of not wanting to talk, and having the privilege of not having to talk, about racial and social injustice. She actually had potential boos and concerned friends mention her tendency to bring up these issues as off-putting.

Is it possible that we have to put just the right amount of vocalization on social injustices before we start rubbing dates the wrong way? I’ve seen firsthand how mentioning sexism, racism, or any other political topic too early on, and with too much vigor, can affect a potential connection.

Just as much a social experiment as it was a tactic to weed out sexists, when I was using dating apps, I would specifically call for “feminists only” in my bio. In theory, I figured that the men (or women) who didn’t categorize themselves as or agree with the “feminist agenda” would simply swipe left. That would have been too easy.

When I was living abroad especially, men would actually match with me just so they could argue about feminism, what it meant, and why I was wrong to call for it. Yes, these men did indeed attempt to mansplain feminism to me.

In an effort to save myself from an awkward interaction in person, I was rather getting attacked for the audacity to voice it beforehand. I was at a loss, and in some ways still am, about the best method of avoiding dating someone who doesn’t truly see me, a woman, as equal. I started thinking: I must be too damn woke.

If Your Boo, Sleeping Beauty, Doesn’t Need to Be Woke

On the other side of the “too woke” spectrum are those who aren’t concerned with their partner’s or date’s political affiliations. Since the Hell on Earth that was the 2016 Presidential Election, quite a lot has changed in terms of bipartisan relations in the government as well as in society and even dating.

Many of us, especially those who felt the inevitable ramifications in the policy to come, became more skeptical of not just our dates, but our coworkers, friends, and family members. Could we still exist around other people who were overtly opposed to social change for women, the LGBTQ+ community, immigrants, and people of color in this country? Did we have to cancel people we had known for years, even loved, because they voted for and support a bigoted cheeto and a wall?

This is a personal decision. Some people feel as if they can still have relationships with those of dramatically differing opinions for two reasons: 1. That there need to be conversations had about why they feel the way they do (empathy goes both ways), and 2. Because it doesn’t really bother them.

I know, and you probably know, friends who are dating men or women who have vastly different political or social opinions than they do. Some of us don’t need political and social agreement in order to date, love, or enjoy another person. Some people actually prefer to leave out the political conversations entirely.

Wokeness: A Lesson

You might want Sleeping Beauty — the date who isn’t going to come prepared with debate cards or an op-ed on the latest human rights crisis at the border — but will make you laugh. You might want your potential partner so wokety-woke-woke that they will help you run your first campaign for city council when the time comes. Regardless, you might learn something you didn’t know before, whether you wanted to or not.