Full disclosure, y’all: the irony of writing this while mired in the most intense jealousy I’ve dealt with for years is not lost on me. It’s not a world of fun, I can tell you that. But it is a normal part of this thing we call consensual non-monogamy. So, in this post, I give you a lot of advice and probably fail to follow any of it myself. Hey, do as I say, not as I do – okay?

Jealousy is horrible. It’s that little voice on your shoulder, telling you that your husband’s new shiny person is so much prettier and smarter than you. It’s that little part of you that says “hey, what about me?” when your partner is loving up on his new boyfriend. Everyone feels it differently, but for me it manifests physically as a twisting sensation in my gut and – weirdly – a tingling in my hands. Other symptoms include shortness of breath, struggling to form sentences coherently, and other “tells” generally associated with anxiety or panic. Jealousy sucks. The good news is that jealousy is also totally manageable. Let’s dive in.

Allow yourself to feel it

It’s easy to feel like the bad non-monogamous person if you feel jealous. Try, if you can, to let go of that. Everyone feels it sometimes, regardless of relationship structure – yes, even those who say they are “immune.” You cannot be immune to an emotion, that is not how human beings work.

You’re not bad for feeling it. You’re not failing or “not really polyamorous.” Breathe. Allow it to come and allow yourself to feel it. If feeling it includes crying or screaming into a pillow (not at a person!) then feel free.

Try to work out what it’s trying to tell you

Jealousy is not always irrational.

Sometimes, jealousy is a totally appropriate reaction. It’s possible your partner really is neglecting you, or really does have one foot out the door, or really is about to elbow you out and put his new partner in your place. Note I said possible, not likely. Listen to your gut. Is something wrong in your relationship? It doesn’t even have to be a huge thing like I mentioned above – perhaps you’re both working too many hours and not getting enough time together. Perhaps there’s a sexual issue you need to work through to get to greater physical intimacy. Perhaps it’s as simple as needing to hear that your partner thinks you’re hot more often.

If nothing is wrong and your partner is being attentive to your needs, then turn inwards – something inside of you is causing the jealousy. Please don’t read this as my blaming you – instead, I like to think this realization is great because it means the problem is totally within your power to work on. If the jealousy is down to an insecurity within yourself, maybe about your looks or level of education or income bracket, you can work on that insecurity.

Talk to your partner

This step is so, so important and a good partner will take the time to be there for you, talk through things with you, provide any reassurance as necessary, and work on getting to the root of the problem.

Try to be as specific as you can in naming your feelings. “I feel jealous” is a great start, but can you dive deeper? Do you feel insecure because her new girlfriend has an advanced degree and you didn’t finish college? Are you envious that his new sweetie only works part-time and has tons of free hours in the day? Is it a problem of feeling undesirable because you and your partner aren’t having as much sex as you’d like?

Own your own feelings (“I think” and “I feel,” as opposed to “you made me feel…”) but also be clear about what your partner can do to support you and what, if anything needs to change in your relationship. (“I felt insecure when I saw you kissing Jane yesterday because I think she’s so much prettier than me. Could you reassure me that you find me hot and maybe make an effort to tell me that a bit more often?”) Again, a good partner will listen to you and try to meet your needs.

Consider seeing a poly-friendly therapist

Talking things over with an uninvolved, trained third party can be transformative. At the very least, it gets the emotions out and gives voice to them. But make sure your therapist is versed in, or at least accepting of, consensual non-monogamy before you proceed. Having someone pathologize your identity at this stage can be devastating.

Play the “and then what?” game

I learned this technique from Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast. It goes like this: first, name your fear. Then ask yourself, “and then what?” Answer that question and then ask again, “and then what?” Rinse and repeat until you reach the point of ridiculousness. Here’s mine for example:

“I am afraid that my partner will think his new partner is prettier than me.”

And then what?

“Well, and then he will like kissing her, having sex with her and being around her more than me.”

And then what?

“And then he won’t have any love or time or sex left for me.”

And then what?

“And then he’ll leave her for me.”

And then what?

“And then no-one will ever love me again.”

And then what?

“And then I will die alone.”

See? It gets ridiculous eventually and can be surprisingly helpful in working out what you’re actually afraid of. In this example, what I am most afraid of is being unlovable and being left alone as a result. Armed with this information, you are better equipped to both communicate with your partner and to work on any insecurities that need addressing.

Make friends with your jealousy

I know this sounds silly, but hear me out. Emotions are powerful tools for showing us where our needs are unmet and where our insecurities are that might need working on. Take jealousy, when it pops up, as a warning light on your dashboard. It probably doesn’t mean your car is about to explode, but you might want to pull over and make sure everything is okay.

Sit down with your jealousy and make friends with it. Take it out for coffee. Ask it what it needs to feel a little calmer and more balanced. Thank it for taking care of you so vigilantly, and reassure it that everything is actually fine so it can chill out a bit.