Dear reader, I know you are probably thinking that disabled people aren’t that common. I have news for you.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “about 15% of adults worldwide have a disability.” Here in the United States, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that roughly a quarter of adult Americans has a disability.

Disability also looks a lot different than the average person imagines. Sure, many of us use wheelchairs. As an ambulatory wheelchair user, I occasionally use one. I use my cane far more often, though. My growing laundry list of chronic illnesses mean that most often my disability isn’t obvious to anyone else. That’s a mixed bag because people don’t ever ‘think’ I’m disabled – or disabled enough – to need accommodations… but I can also ‘pass’ as abled at times.

Well, as long as no one near me is wearing something really smelly, anyway.

Always in danger

Those of us who are disabled or chronically ill are constantly in danger. We experience higher rates of abuse and sexual violence than people who aren’t disabled.

Depending on what conditions we’re facing, we can be nearly five times more likely to be the victims of crimes. Unfortunately, it’s far easier for those of us who might have to rely on others to be abused or assaulted. People who are intellectually or developmentally disabled are at higher risk of sexual abuse. It doesn’t help that many of us don’t receive any sex education and, if we do, it certainly doesn’t involve people like us.

There’s also been an uptick in anti-disabled hate crimes in the last few years. Combine that with the longstanding ideal that disabled people shouldn’t be alive and shitty messages we get on dating apps? It’s so easy to internalize all that hate.

That said, it’s no wonder that putting ourselves out there is terrifying.

I spoke with a few fellow disabled folx about their fears and experiences. Since so many of these issues are incredibly personal, most have chosen to stay anonymous and are represented by false initials.

We always have to be on guard, especially those of us who are women (or are read that way). The threat of sexual assault or other violent crimes is always scary. It gets scarier, though, when you know you can’t escape your attacker or if, like JJ, you know there’s a huge chance for even more medical complications:

“I had my colon, including rectal lining, and part of my small intestine removed due to cancer starting to develop. I had my ostomy reversed into a straight pull through. I’m terrified of rape or sodomy occurring but especially sodomy because if that happened, it would literally tear my anus  completely apart. I’m terrified of the damage and pain and it would also require me to have an ostomy again as my reversal would be too damaged to repair.”

Dating can get scary when accessibility comes into play, too. Something that so many people don’t understand is that accessibility is more than a ramp. There are so many access needs from bathroom access and limiting scents to avoiding fluorescent lights and so much more. What one disabled person needs is not what someone else needs.

Hell, what I need is different each day.

Dates can take some scary turns even when we’re doing what’s best for our bodies at the moment. KT shared a recent experience with me that still reminds them of just how in danger they are when dating:

“As someone with low vision, I’m unable to drive myself anywhere, so I rely on others for transportation as lyft and uber are expensive, as are taxis. I was out on a date with someone, and the person started becoming belligerent and I felt very unsafe, but because I couldn’t drive, I was stuck there, with this person, at their home, until someone could come get me. Because the place was inaccessible, I was unable to leave without assistance… because I don’t have financial access to supports that the able community has, my safety and well-being is reliant on other people’s generosity. My ability TO date at all, is reliant on other people’s generosity. When your freedom is conditional and dependent on generosity, it cannot inherently be safe.”

There aren’t a lot of spaces that are accessible to us, either. That’s especially true in the queer community where so many refuse to both acknowledge the existence of queer disabled people and include us in the greater community.

Even when we tell people about the access needs we have, too many people think they know better. They sneak food that we’re allergic to into our meals, ask us invasive questions about our conditions, and use us as ‘inspiration porn’ to remind them their lives aren’t that bad. Some people even applaud themselves for dating us.

It’s not okay.

Tips to Include Disabled Folx in Your Dating Life

Thankfully, there are ways that we can combat these issues. From disability-inclusive sex ed to dates respecting our needs, accommodations lead to more inclusion. If you want to make your dating life more inclusive to disabled folx, here are some tips.

1. Listen to us when we state our accessibility needs.
2. Ask what you can do to help us out – don’t assume what help we need.
3. Go out of your way to consider accessibility at local spots you frequent. Can a wheelchair get into and through the space? Are there heavy scents?
4. Don’t be upset if we need to cancel on you. We’re not being flaky – probably just feeling awful.
5. Remember that dates don’t have to be in certain spaces. As Alexandra Scott shared with me, “I think being open to reinventing the whole paradigm of ‘date’ is generally helpful.”