Anxiety, as we all know, can be a royal pain in the ass.

I’m one of the millions of people that experiences and takes medication for anxiety. It can affect me in many different aspects of my life. One thing I could always fall back on however, was sex.

I love sex. The feel of skin on skin, the connection with your partner, the delicious feelings that come with it, the works! I knew that whatever was going on in my life, I could still enjoy sex with my partner. I could still enjoy masturbation, and I could orgasm and have a truckload of fun in the process.

Until I couldn’t.

Anxiety and My Sex Life

Steadily, anxiety crept its way into the sexy times I enjoy together with my boyfriend. I thought it was just one of “those times” where your body just isn’t feeling it. Then it started happening again…and again…and again.

When this began, it was only a few months after a mental breakdown from severe anxiety. Anxiety preys on our fears and insecurities, and post-breakdown I had a lot: self-esteem issues, negative body image, the works.

I started wondering if I “sounded weird” when I came, if I was still pleasing my boyfriend in the bedroom, if he was still attracted to me etc. Recovery can be scary and experiencing sexual dysfunction can feel both embarrassing and upsetting.

The second sex started, the insecurities would shout and stomp about in my head like a crazed marching band.

“YOU HAVE TO COME. YOU HAVE TO COME” would be the words in my head, while having sex. Not very sexy at all! I tried to just zone out and enjoy the feelings and intimacy I was sharing, but alas, anxiety had the upper hand.

Negative Self-Esteem Bites

I knew it wasn’t a side effect from the medication, as I could still orgasm through masturbation, and sex if I could completely let go and be in the moment. To clarify, it was nothing my boyfriend was doing. Quite the opposite, he was doing everything right! It was my negative self-esteem that was the hurdle I needed to tackle. Every time I’d be just at the cusp of a gorgeous orgasm, but just couldn’t get over the edge. And it sucked.

There’s so much scope surrounding orgasms and sex, that if you don’t come then the sex can’t have been that good and you may as well have not bothered.  We put unduly pressure on ourselves to be able to do what we see in stories and porn in an effort to feel ‘normal’, in turn creating anxiety. And as we all know, anxiety can kill our libido stone dead, thus creating more anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle and one that isn’t easy to break.

Working with My Partner

At first, I wasn’t sure how to tackle it or to broach it with my boyfriend. I knew I could, he’s a very caring and understanding person, but I felt embarrassed, even ashamed to admit I was experiencing some problems.

I spoke to him about my slipping confidence in the bedroom. He listened to all of my anxieties and reassured me I wasn’t displeasing him at all, and that in fact how I vocalized during sex really turned him on.

We talked about slowing things down, taking more time to be intimate, both sexually and non-sexually. We discussed building things back up step by step to help me, almost like restoring a computer to manufacturer’s settings. Taking those steps back really helped me look at myself and decide what I really wanted and needed.

Porn and Insecurities

While porn in itself I can find to be liberating and boost my sexual confidence, I found myself reacting with insecurity at times as well. While that is not inherently porn’s fault, I became more introspective of how I viewed myself sexually, warts and all.

It made me look at what I could do to see myself in a more healthy light. I looked at which porn was making me feel insecure, and which I found bolstered and fueled my sexuality. While this approach isn’t for everyone, it personally helped me a great deal.

As well as this, I had to start cutting myself some serious slack. Orgasms, as wonderful as they are, aren’t the be all and end all in sex and relationships. It didn’t detract from the fact I have a good relationship with a very good man. It didn’t detract from how much I love and appreciate him, and how loving and understanding he has been throughout all this.

Being Kind to Myself

Over time, I worked to be less harsh on myself, which is definitely easier said than done! Yes, it is possible to enjoy sex without having an orgasm. Yes, it’s ok if you can’t for whatever reason. However, if it is something that is causing you serious concern and distress, it is advised to see your doctor.

On top of massive changes in my life, such as going back to university and pushing forward with freelance work, getting back to normality, along with better all-round self-care really was a turning point in building my confidence back up after my breakdown. The more confident I became in my day-to-day life, the more I became in my sexual life too.

Then one day a few months ago, we were enjoying sex together. It was one of those ‘I need you right now’ times and I orgasmed. Twice. In quick succession. I remember being so happy and looking down at my boyfriend (I was on top) with a huge smile on my face.

“I just came!” I nearly squealed. He smiled back rather triumphantly.

“Yeah, you did.”

My sexual confidence is much more like it used to be, and I’m able to lose myself in the moment like before. That being said, it’s not something that has entirely gone away. I still experience anxiety and it seeps back into my sexual sphere at times.

But now, I am able to rationalize any doubts I have much better than a year ago, and knowing I can talk things through with my partner if I’m having an ‘off’ day.