Ever blame yourself for a lackluster date, even though you didn’t do anything wrong?

I mean sure, if you showed up late, accidentally said something creepy, that’s on you. Learn from it, and don’t make that mistake again.

But for some reason, even if I do everything “right” and the date still goes wrong… I’ll feel guilty. I’ll feel inadequate. I’ll be beating myself up the same way I would if I had actually done something wrong.

It feels like a punch to the gut. What did I say? What did I not say Maybe I just wasn’t charming enough, or maybe I didn’t make her laugh enough, maybe I should have found a moment to go in for the kiss–that’s what bold and attractive guys do, right?

No. Bold and attractive people aren’t afraid to take initiatives and build attraction, but they never force the moment. Kind of like how funny people never force a joke.

We’re too quick to assume that if something didn’t happen, it’s because we missed our opportunity. First of all, if she’s into you there will more than likely be more than one opportunity. Secondly, sparking attraction doesn’t always happen right away or at the first opportunity.

Yet somehow we think if it doesn’t, it won’t. As if our chances with any and every woman in the world, no matter how attracted they may be to us, are always that small.

Should’ve Could’ve Would’ve…

Ever think a date was unsuccessful because you never went in for the kiss? I’ve been there, lying in bed trying to replay the whole evening looking for a moments where I could have. Funny how it rarely ever dawns on us that maybe there wasn’t one. For all you know, you hit it off really well and she’s looking forward to the next date where maybe there will be a convenient moment.

Or maybe she likes you but isn’t sure yet and doesn’t want to move to fast so she intentionally avoided moments where a kiss could happen… and because you didn’t try to force anything that’s how you earned her trust.

When I learned to stop letting it bother me if I don’t kiss someone on the first date, it made the kiss on the second date that much better. Because it’s not about getting the kiss over with so you can claim her and/or move on to other things, it’s about giving yourself and her enough time to build attraction that manifests itself into a worthwhile kiss.

Sometimes it happens within seconds of meeting each other. Sometimes it takes weeks of getting to know someone. Either way, you don’t have complete control over when the moment will happen. Or when it will happen again. Nobody does.

Shall We Dance?

Dating and building attraction is a dance. You might take the first step, but your partner needs to step with you. If she doesn’t step with you, she either doesn’t want to dance, she’s not catching on to your rhythm or you’re just not catching on to hers.

Either way, you need to be aware of how well you’re syncing up together. In my experience women are very in tune with this, and guys tend not to be. My guess is it has far less to do with biology and a lot more with the fact that we’re stuck in our heads, stuck on our rhythm trying to figure out how to create attraction, get to the kiss, get to the relationship, get out of the friendzone, etc. As if rhythm isn’t a harmony. As if striking a chord doesn’t require more than one note.

If you don’t sync up, it’s not necessarily a sign that either of you are bad dancers. It’s just a sign that, in order to create harmony you both need to find different partners.

Does This Mean Let Her Take The Lead?

I’m of the opinion that anyone can make the first move (or next move), and I certainly don’t mind when women take the initiative with me. I often appreciate it.

That said, I don’t blame women for expecting me to go first or to take the lead. Not because it’s the man’s job per se, but well… there’s a lot more at risk for women when they take initiatives, whether it’s offering to buy me dinner, or pulling me in for the first kiss.

For guys, the risk for taking initiatives to build attraction is usually we might get rejected and that sucks. But if we’re successful, it’s because we’re smooth, we’re successful–people congratulate us. For women, if her advance is successful, people might slut-shame her. If her advance is unsuccessful, rejection sucks AND she might be slut-shamed. Not just by society, but by her partner.

And we thought rejection was bad.

But I digress. I happen to enjoy taking the lead. A lot of guys do, and that’s not toxic. No matter what gender you are, being a leader or provider is fine.

When we assume that we need to take the reins so that we can control how well the date is going, you know from those sleepless nights as well as I do what the poison feels like. It’s nice to take some pressure off our dates, but we can’t expect ourselves to take all the steps in a dance that involves two.

Instead of trying to make someone follow your lead; see if they do. Or follow hers. Maybe she’s dancing to a better rhythm. You can always switch it up.

And if doesn’t happen with her, at least you learned some new moves. Those will come in handy to impress your next partner. There’s plenty of them on the dance floor.