Not all relationships have to look the same in order to be valid and important. Polyamorous people have long rejected the idea that every partnership must follow the relationship escalator. The meet – date – become exclusive – move in together – get engaged – get married – have children script our culture lays out for intimate relationships.

A secondary relationship does not follow this trajectory and is not as life-entangled as a primary or nesting relationship. Secondary partners typically don’t live together, raise children together, or share many of the trappings of “traditional” partnerships. However, that doesn’t mean these relationships cannot be equally important, significant and wonderful!

Here’s how to keep your secondary relationship happy and healthy.

Make sure everyone is on the same page

Image credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

It is my firm belief that it’s almost impossible to have a positive secondary relationship if one party isn’t happy with the arrangement and is secretly (or not so secretly) hoping the relationship will become primary. It’s really, really important to make sure you’re both on the same page and looking for approximately the same thing out of the relationship. This means (you knew this was coming) communicating early and often. And being extremely honest with both yourself and your partner about your wants and needs.

It is often kinder, both to yourself and the other person, to not get into a relationship (or to end one) rather than living in a situation where one person is happy with a secondary relationship, and the other is miserably hoping that the relationship will eventually become primary.

Keep your commitments

Secondary partner does not mean second class. Of course emergencies will happen, which everyone should understand. Knowing that you can rely on each other to keep plans is important in any relationship, including a secondary one. Casually cancelling plans with your secondary partner – whether at the whim of your primary partner or just because you can’t really be bothered – is cruel, thoughtless and unfair behavior. Try not to make commitments you can’t keep. If you have to cancel or go back on your word, communicate about it early and reschedule as soon as possible.

Keep in touch when you’re apart

Image credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

The nature of a secondary relationship may mean you don’t see each other as often. I currently see my secondary partner about once a month, occasionally slightly more often. However, we communicate via instant messaging almost every day. Sometimes this will be a long conversation. At other times a quick “thinking of you” check-in message. It depends on what we’ve both got going on. When you don’t see each other often or share the trappings of day-to-day life, it’s important to keep in regular contact so you feel connected. This may be phone calls, instant messaging, texting, or even good old fashioned snail mail (romantic!). Use the tools available to you that work best for you both. Don’t forget the power of cyber-sex and sexting, either. This helps maintain a sexual connection if you can’t be together in person as often as you want!

Don’t restrict your secondary’s freedom

There are few things worse, in a polyamorous network, than being in a secondary relationship where you are explicitly forbidden from dating others (or from finding a primary partner.) It is astoundingly unfair, when the commitment you can give to your secondary partner is limited by the nature of your relationship. This restricts their freedom to get their needs met elsewhere. You should expect to be kept in the loop about what’s going on, and be sensitive to each other’s needs and feelings. But don’t limit each other.

Don’t practice veto

Image credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

“Veto” is the name given to a practice within polyamory where one person – usually in a primary relationship – can unilaterally order their partner to end a relationship with an outside partner, and expect that they will do it. I was in a relationship for over five years where my partner’s wife explicitly had veto ability. It was held over me as a threat at every opportunity. Veto effectively prevents a secondary partner from ever feeling safe, even if the threat isn’t being wielded so explicitly.

I understand the desire for veto, as a kind of “kill switch” if it all gets too much. But veto is not only toxic, cruel and controlling, it also doesn’t have the desired effect. If you veto someone your partner loves, they might get rid of that other person. But serious damage will be done to your relationship, too.

I’ll never be involved in a relationship with veto, and I strongly urge you to throw it out too.

Check in regularly

I’m a big fan of relationship check-ins. This can be something as elaborate as sitting down every month (or two months, or six months, or year) and having a structured discussion. It can be as informal as an occasional “How we doing? All good? Okay cool” text message once in a while. What’s important is that lines of communication remain open and that you have a time and space to air out any issues.

Ultimately, the things that make any relationship work – communication, compassion, quality time and making an effort – apply just as much to secondary relationships. With these tools and these extra considerations, you should be able to navigate your secondary relationships with ease.

What have you found helps keep your secondary relationships running smoothly?

*All images from the Gender Spectrum Collection