I remember when I was a baby kinkster, just dipping a toe into the proverbial pool of rough and kinky sex. It was exciting and empowering but it was also really stressful. I had no idea how best to communicate my newfound desires to my partners. Looking back, I could have done so much better at providing clarity, insight, and inviting them along on the journey. In hindsight, I can see that it would have gone so much more smoothly if I had simply prepared and broached the topic more thoughtfully and had more to say about my wants and needs. Knowing what I know now, I’d do things very differently.

Like many things, getting started is the hardest part. Exploring your sexual boundaries is not always simple, but with a bit of courage and a game-plan you can make it happen. Here are five suggestions for exploring new and kinky things with a partner and safely exploring your boundaries together:

What do YOU want?

Before you bring up rough or kinky sex stuff with your partner (be it a long term partner or not) get yourself sorted first. It is 100% okay to not have it all figured out. Kinky fun is a journey, not a destination. But you do have a responsibility to have some idea of what your new (or latent) desires are. If you tell your partner a bunch of vague thoughts and wishes, it’s fair to expect that they will have questions and responses that you can’t anticipate or answer. If you want to share but are not yet ready to articulate your thoughts, keep them to yourself until you are. You don’t have to be an expert, but if you’re bringing it up, you should be able to speak to it.

There is no such thing as a universal conversation about something as personal and intimate as sex, so lead the conversation in whatever way makes sense for you and your partner. Remember that terms like “rough” or “kinky” or “intense” are very subjective. You and your partner may not share the same interests or limits. Respectful discussion is always the right place to start.

Seek out resources together

The internet is your best friend when it comes to sexual exploration because if you can dream it, someone has probably done it on video. Watching porn together (if porn is your kind of thing) can be really helpful to lubricate the conversation. It allows you to refer to what you do and don’t like, it prompts questions for each other, and gives you a sense of the activity itself and what may be involved.

If porn isn’t your cup of tea, you could read erotica, hit up some sex blogs for information, or look into a local or online tutorial. Doing some research and exploration together will help clarify your interests and goals and give you the peace of mind that you’re on the same page.

Wade in, don’t dive

Jumping into rough or kinky play can be risky physically as well as emotionally. Many a fun time has been ruined by being over enthusiastic and underprepared. Once you express your ideas with a willing partner, work out small ways to incorporate new, rough or kinky material together. For example, perhaps you’re really into the concept of asphyxiation and breath play. Simply asking your partner to choke you or be choked next time you’re getting amorous, without further discussion, is not a good idea. Start small, get used to the feeling of a hand on your throat, give them space to get comfortable with it too.

Remember that both partners feel the intensity of rough play, not just the person receiving the action. Be patient and communicative. Seek out ongoing and enthusiastic consent, and debrief afterwards to discuss what was great and what you might not want to do again.

Safety is sexy

Ramping up the intensity of sex and sexual play can be very gratifying and exciting for both partners, regardless of the action or roles that you assume. Being thoughtful about trust and safety, both physical and emotional, is part of the landscape of kinky fun. You don’t have to be an experienced kinkster to employ the tenets of safety and communication necessary to kink and BDSM.

Practicing RACK (risk-aware, consensual kink) is, in my opinion, essential any time you step off the “vanilla” path. Risk-aware does not mean bullet proof, but it does mean that you have both taken the time to consider the implications of how you are engaging in rough or intense sexual activities. Talk things through, discuss what you both want and what you don’t.

You can establish a safeword, which when spoken, stops all play immediately. Or you can use the Traffic Light System, my personal favorite. Saying “Red!” means stop everything. “Yellow” means slow down and recalibrate. “Green” means everything is good, keep going. This may all sound unsexy and unromantic, but clarity of communication and the trust it fosters only enhances your sex life.

Try and try again

Photo credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will your sex life be. Kink and rough play take practice and skill, depending on what you want to do. Patience is key, along with communication, and not everything you try will be something you or your partner enjoy. Some things seem like a great, sexy, hot, delicious idea when you read about them or see them on film. Experiencing them yourself may yield a very different result than you expected. This doesn’t mean you’re bad at it, or not cut out for it. Simply try again, or try something different. Likewise, if you find a new sexy activity that really pushes all your buttons, you’re not suddenly a sexual deviant for wanting that experience. So long as you are being safe, what happens between you as consenting adults is entirely your business and doesn’t change who you are.

The path into more intense or rougher sex can be a lovely one to travel. Sometimes it’s a straight line, sometimes it’s full of ups and downs and sharp corners. You don’t need a complete map to start the journey. All you need is the willingness to treat yourself and your partner(s) with care and respect, and to honor the limits that you discover. Keep talking, play safe, and remember, it’s about having fun and feeling good!