Break-ups suck.

And the reality of non-monogamy is that, amazing though it is in so many ways, inviting more lovers into your life means there’s more potential for heartbreak. Relationships end, and they end for all kinds of reasons. Polyamory and non-monogamy have a few particular and unique considerations when it comes to breaking up.

When you’re the one who gets dumped

There are few things worse than being broken up with by someone you love. If this has happened to you, or if you sense it’s coming, this is the time to start surrounding yourself with your resources and support network. Get a counselor or therapist if you can. Make sure you’re eating, sleeping, exercising, going to work and keeping up with your hobbies as much as you possibly can. Talk to friends and cry on their shoulders. Cuddle an animal. Lean on your other partner(s), if you have them. This is where polyamory really comes into its own. Having other partners doesn’t make your break-up hurt less, but it does mean there are other people who love you, who can support and reassure you in the way that only a romantic partner can.

It sucks. It hurts. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Time is the thing that will be the most healing of all — but in the meantime, look after yourself. Don’t be tempted to go on a new dating binge too soon in an attempt to soothe your broken heart.

When you’re the one ending things

Despite what we see in films and on TV, people in loving, long-term relationships rarely leave their partner with no warning. Usually, there’s either a major inciting incident (an affair, for example) or a steady decline of the relationship until things can no longer be worked out. In most instances, regardless of circumstances, one person has to finally pull the plug.

When that’s you, there are a number of ways to make things less awful for both yourself and your former partner. If possible, do the breaking up in person. If you’re long distance, a phone-call is acceptable. No text or email break-ups (come on, people, we’re not sixteen!) Be kind, be forthright, and don’t be drawn into a dialogue about all the reasons for the break-up. It doesn’t help anyone.

You get to look after yourself, too! Even when you’re the one ending things, breaking up is hard and painful. Follow all the self-care advice laid out above, and give yourself permission to feel your own grief and pain. You’ve lost something you cherished. It’s normal to go through a grieving process.

Regardless of which side of the break-up you fall on, it’s smart to take some time away from each other. Don’t try to be friends straight away. Don’t try to keep the door open for “maybe we’ll get back together.” This just stops either of you from properly moving on.

Honoring the relationships you’re still in

Photo credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

If you’re going through a break-up, it can be really hard to think about anything else. But, in the midst of your understandable sadness and pain, it’s important to remember you probably have other partners and you should try to be present in those relationships.

By all means, lean on your partners for support! Get cuddles, reassurance, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, sex… whatever makes you feel better. But avoid turning every date or hang-out with your other partners into a therapy session where you process your break-up endlessly. Your partners love you and want to be there for you, but they are not your therapists. And they have their own needs in the relationship, too! You can and should expect your partners to support you through challenging and painful times, including break-ups. You should not expect them to forget or deny all their own needs until you’re over your broken heart. This is a quick path to resentment and relationship problems.

When your partner ends another relationship

The first time you comfort your partner through a break-up with someone else is an experience you don’t quickly forget. It’s complicated simply by virtue of the fact that there is no social script for it.

It’s undeniable that seeing someone you love in pain is horrible. And, when that pain comes from the ending of a relationship with someone else, it can be particularly hard to know what to do. The best thing is often to simply start by acknowledging their pain. Say, “I can see you’re really hurting right now, and I’m so sorry.” Then ask them what they need. “How can I best support you right now?” is a useful and open-ended question. Finally, offer plenty of reassurance and reaffirm your love for them: “I love you, I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.” Then give them time. Resist the urge to try to fix it or play mediator. If they’re really struggling and sliding into depression, encourage them to seek professional support.

When a relationship ends due to a veto

Photo credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

Veto, or veto-power, is a relationship agreement whereby one member of a couple can unilaterally order their partner to end an outside relationship with someone else, and that person will honor the demand and break things off with the third party.

I’m against vetos. I think they’re cruel, too open to abuse, and disenfranchise everyone involved by removing their agency and not treating them like adults. But some people do have this agreement in their relationship. This means that sometimes relationships end due to a veto.

If you’ve been vetoed out by a metamour, you’re likely to feel a range of emotions including anger and confusion, as well as the sadness and grief that usually accompanies a break-up. Allow yourself to feel these emotions! Scream, cry, punch a pillow or a punching-bag if you need to. If nothing else, I hope your takeaway from this is that you will no longer agree to date people who have veto clauses in their primary relationships.

If your partner has vetoed your relationship with someone else, you might feel angry or resentful towards them. Resentment is, in my view, the largest and most destructive side-effect of veto – and one of the reasons it’s so insidious and toxic. Again, allow yourself to feel your feelings. Assuming you want to stay with the partner who issued the veto, now is a great time to work with a couple’s counselor. They can help you to understand your partner’s actions, help them understand your feelings about it, and process what happened to make sure it never happens again. And remember: you get to refuse a veto. It might mean your relationship with the person who issued it ending, or it might not. But you do actually get to say “No, I love this person and I do not accept that veto.”

The best way to manage veto power is simply to never to have it play a part in your relationship. Discuss, negotiate, share concerns, but leave the decision about whether to end a relationship to the people actually in it.

What concerns do you have about breaking up in a non-monogamous context? There’s a lot to say here, so I might do a follow-up or part two soon.