If you type “dating is” into Google, the search suggestions are as bleak as you might expect. Dating is depressing, dating is expensive, dating is dead, dating is exhausting, dating is a numbers game. If you’ve been in the dating world in the last decade or so, these statements are pretty relatable. They are all too familiar to me. I have heard enough horror stories from friends to know I’m not alone in being woefully tired of the dating game.

Like all social constructs, dating changes with the times. It can be hard to keep up with the pace of that change and adjust in ways that will get us closer to our goals. Layer onto that the fact that a lot of people just plain suck at communicating. Some people are jerks and will ghost you without a second thought, and not everyone’s intentions are pure. False starts, broken hearts and lowered expectations can lead to severe dating fatigue. So how do we go on? How do we sift through the inevitable rubble of our dating lives and find those hidden gems? In short, think less about your prospective partner and more about yourself.

Here are 5 practical steps to help you survive a dating rut and find more of the people you hope to meet.

Step 1: Focus On Your Priorities

Image credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

It’s not surprising that dating has become something we passively participate in, thanks to the advent of dating apps literally in the palm of our hands. Gone are the days where a blind date set up by a meddlesome friend was one of the only options. These days, a casual swipe while you sip your morning latte will accept or eliminate a possible match with the flick of a finger and take you to the next profile … and the next and the next.

If you feel like you are struggling to find a compatible match, try looking more carefully at fewer people. It may sound counterintuitive to narrow your options but prioritizing what you want and narrowing your search ensures that you stick to what’s important to you and making intentional choices. Not sure what your priorities are?

Make yourself three lists:

• Traits you seek in another person (sense of humor, kindness, etc.)
• Activities and accomplishments that are important to you (education, activity level, employment, etc.)
• Deal breakers. Try to avoid listing physical characteristics here unless they are actually real limits for you. (Really, you wouldn’t date them just because they’re short?) Instead, reserve this list for things that are unlikely to change for either of you, like politics, faith, ethics, etc.

Step Two: Take a Break

Once you have your priorities in order, step away. Turn off notifications, delete dating apps, cut yourself off from that world for at least a week. That may sound like it makes no sense at all, but there is value in letting those priority lists marinate in your mind. You may find that you change or tweak them while on hiatus too. Don’t be afraid to unplug yourself from the dating pool. It’s not a failure or a set back; it’s intentional breathing space so you can search smarter, not harder, for a great match.

Step Three: Re-write Your Profile

Image credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

Once you feel ready to re-enter the scene and you know what you want, scrap your existing profile/bio and start again. Writing your online dating profile is an important part of the Rut-to-Refresh process, and it ensures that you have encapsulated your newly confirmed priorities and renewed energy for dating.

Still feeling stuck? Read the profiles of other people that stand out to you and emulate their style. Keep it brief, include something from each of the lists you created in Step One, and be honest about what you’re looking for. As they say, there is a shoe for every foot, a lid for every pot, so be forthright, clear and unapologetic about what you want and need. Fluffing up your profile or leaving it too vague will only make for misunderstandings and the sort of lukewarm connections that probably got you into that rut in the first place. Likewise for images: take a new selfie or two. Don’t just recycle that blurry photo from a cruise five years ago that you cropped your ex out of.

Step Four: Try a New Strategy

You’ve made the time to organize your thoughts, taken a breather, refreshed your profile and you’re ready to put your best foot forward. Does it make sense to fish in the same old pond? Yes and no. If you have a dating app/platform that you feel comfortable with and you are more or less satisfied with the people on it, it’s fine to take another run at it with your new profile (date smarter, not harder, right?). But you may want to consider trying a new site or a new approach altogether.

Online dating is touted as being effective and efficient. It certainly can be, but meeting people in organic social settings is not entirely a thing of the past. Parties, volunteer opportunities, community events, these can all be great places to connect with likeminded people. Just remember not everyone will be there to find a match or be open to that sort of connection. Singles mixers, speed dating, even fetish events (if you lean that way) will give you a social connection within a pool of people who are also looking to meet potentials. Stretch your wings, put yourself out there, and see what comes of it!

Step Five: Reflect, Re-calibrate and Repeat

Image credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

Dating is not an activity that guarantees immediate gratification. It can be hard to be patient while you look for love (or lust) but it’s worth it to stay mindful and not get pulled into the sport of dating. It’s not a competition, you have no one to satisfy in the process but yourself. As you re-enter the dating world better equipped and better understanding your own needs, remember that who you are and what you want are allowed to change.

Re-work your approach and profile as needed and stay flexible; you’re not a robot or a doll, you needn’t be perfect or have it all figured out. Stay open to change and respond accordingly to connections that you make. It’s okay to turn down offers, and it’s okay to be turned down or “rejected.” It’s more than okay to stick to your priorities and not settle for just whatever is available.

Remember, dating is like so many things in life: you get out of it what you put into it. The more clear and intentional you are about what you want and need, the more you attract compatible people, and the more ready you’ll feel when Cupid’s arrow finally strikes.