Over the years, the world of consensual non-monogamy has developed its own unique lexicon. As a result, you might hear words that you don’t know the meaning of or have never heard before. Don’t worry! We were all new at one time or another. Read on for some of the most common terms you’re likely to encounter.

Anchor: A core and extremely significant relationship; often used as an alternative to “primary” or “nesting partner.”

Cluster-Fuck: Group sex OR what happens when something goes horribly wrong.

Comet:

A partner or lover you see occasionally, have fun with, and then may not have very much to do with in the meantime. (E.G. I have a lover who lives in another city. We see each other 2 – 3 times a year, when we may or may not have sex. In the interim, we talk very occasionally but otherwise don’t have much involvement in each other’s day to day lives.)

Compersion: The feeling of joy you get from seeing your partner happy with another partner or lover. Sometimes called “the opposite of jealousy.”

Consensual non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy: Any type of relationship which does not have sexual and/or emotional exclusivity as an expectation, in which all parties are informed of and consenting to the situation.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:

A type of open relationship where the primary couple do not share details of their outside relationships with each other. Often colloquially referred to as “DADT.” The name comes from the US Military’s now-overturned policy against LGBTQ people serving openly in the military.

Fluid bonding: Having sex with a partner without any barriers, e.g. condoms. 

Frubble: See Compersion. Frubble is an alternative mostly used in Britain.

FWB: Friend With Benefits – a friend with whom you have a sexual relationship but do not date or have romantic feelings for.

Kitchen-table polyamory: A type of polyamory in which all members get along and enjoy spending time together (so named because they would all happily sit around the kitchen table together.)

Metamour:

Your partner’s partner with whom you do not have a romantic or sexual relationship. (E.G. Sarah is dating both Sam and Jane. Sam and Jane do not have an intimate relationship. They are metamours.) Metamours may be close friends, loose acquaintances, or have little to do with each other, depending on your set-up.

Monogamish: A relationship which is mostly monogamous but allows for occasional outside sexual activity. A term coined by Dan Savage and his husband, who ascribe to this model.

Nesting partner: The partner you live with.

NRE:

New Relationship Energy – that feeling of giddy joy and starry eyes you get at the beginning of a new relationship. Handle with caution! NRE can blow up in your face if you allow it to make you neglect existing partners or make huge life decisions you can’t walk back.

One Penis Policy: A situation in which polyamorous men will not allow their female partners to date or sleep with any other men. Widely regarded as misogynistic, homophobic (because it implies relationships between women are less significant or don’t “count”) and transphobic (because some women have penises!)

One Pussy Policy: The same as One Penis Policy with the sexes reversed; MUCH less common.

Open relationship: An umbrella term encompassing many different types of consensual non-monogamy.

Petamour: The pet of your partner. (E.G. My partner Steve has a cat, Mittens. Mittens is my petamour.) (It’s possible my polycule and I made this one up.)

Polyamory: The desire, practice or acceptance of having more than one loving, committed and often sexual relationship concurrently, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.

Polycule:

A polyamorous network. A play on the word “molecule,” because diagrams of interconnecting relationships in a polyamorous network can resemble a scientific drawing of a molecule.

Play partner: Used primarily within the BDSM community to describe a relationship which is primarily based on kinky or power-exchange play. May or may not be sexual in nature.

Polygamy: Marriage to more than one spouse. Illegal in most societies and often associated with religious non-monogamy (e.g. Mormonism.)

Primary partner: The closest, most significant or most life-entangled relationship in your life. Often a spouse or the person you live with.

Quad: Four people all in an intimate relationship with each other.

Relationship Anarchy:

A type of non-monogamy geared towards having very few or no rules. Relationship anarchists often do not categorize relationships according to whether or not they involve sex or romance (I.E. a sexual partner is not necessarily more important than a friend.)

Safer-sex agreement: The safer sex rules which govern a relationship (E.G. “We will always use condoms with outside sexual partners.”)

Secondary partner:

A less significant, close or entangled relationship – which can nonetheless be incredibly emotionally significant and important. Primary and Secondary as labels have fallen out of favor in mainstream polyamory, but plenty of us still find them useful descriptors.

Solo-poly: A person who has multiple intimate relationships but does not entangle their life with any one person and values personal autonomy over pair-bonding.

Swinging: Engaging in casual sex with other people while maintaining one emotional or romantic relationship. Usually something that couples do together, but single swingers do exist.

Triad: Three people all in an intimate relationship with each other.

Unicorn:

A single, bisexual woman who is willing to attach herself to both members of an existing male/female couple, love and sleep with them both equally, fit into their lives, and not have any other partners. Called a unicorn because the odds of finding a woman to go for this arrangement are about as slim as the odds of finding a mythical horned horse.

Unicorn hunter(s): Derisive term for couples who seek a “third” (the aforementioned “unicorn”) to join their relationship.

V or Vee: A three-person relationship where two parties are dating the same person, but not dating each other. (E.G. Paul is dating both Matt and Lucy, but Matt and Lucy are not involved with each other.)

Wobble or Wibble: A small flare-up of jealousy or insecurity.