Meeting your metamour – your partner’s partner with whom you do not have a romantic or sexual relationship – for the first time is a really scary experience for a lot of people! This is true whether you’re very new to polyamory or have been doing it for a long time.

But you don’t need to be stressed! Hopefully everyone in your polycule is a decent person and wants it to go well. Follow these tips to make the whole experience much less scary.

Don’t feel pressured to do it before you’re ready

There’s no set timeline for when you have to meet your metamours! You might want to do it straight away, or wait until they’ve been dating your partner for a few months and seem likely to stick around. “Never” is also an option, though not one I personally recommend.

If you don’t feel ready, don’t push yourself. If your partner – or metamour – is pushing for a meeting before you’re ready, kindly but firmly ask them to back off and say you’ll get there when you’re ready. A meeting under duress is much less likely to go well than a meeting you enthusiastically consent to (even if you’re nervous).

Do it in a public place

Meeting in a public place like a cafe, pub, or restaurant tends to make everyone feel more at ease. This way, no-one is either inviting a stranger into their home or having to be a guest in someone else’s home. Neutral territory is best until everyone feels more comfortable.

Make it time-limited

A time-limited first meeting means you don’t feel like you have to be there all night if you don’t want to. Perhaps you have other plans afterwards, perhaps you only have your babysitter until 9pm, or perhaps you have work you need to attend to. If you come away feeling like you could have chatted all night and want to spend more time with this person, that’s a huge win! And if not, you have a graceful exit strategy and a natural end point to the meeting.

Don’t meet in an already high-stress situation

A sex party is not a good time to meet your partner’s new partner! Neither is the office Christmas party, or the same day your partner is coming out as polyamorous to their parents. Don’t add the complication of a first metamour meeting to an already stressful situation. Instead, meet when everyone is feeling relaxed, calm and not under external pressure.

Talk beforehand

Talking to your metamour beforehand – by IM, on the phone or by Skype, for example – can help dispel some of the nerves because you already feel you know them a little bit. Even if you only exchange a handful of messages, a “hey, looking forward to meeting you” can go a long way to making everyone feel more relaxed.

Tell your partner explicitly what you need

Perhaps you need them to make sure you get as much physical affection as the other person. Perhaps you want them to leave with you at the end of the night. Or perhaps you simply want them to acknowledge that this is a stressful situation for you and validate your feelings and reassure you. Whatever it is, ask for it! A good partner who loves you will do their best to meet a reasonable request to make this situation as easy for you as it can be.

Try not to have too rigid expectations

Going into any social situation with a rigid set of expectations is likely to set you up for failure. A lot of people, when they meet their metamour for the first time, make the mistake of going in with the goal of turning a vee into a triad. Please don’t do this – it sets up a really weird and potentially coercive pressure dynamic! It’s also a mistake to go in with the expectation that your metamour will be your new bestie. Maybe they will, but maybe you just won’t click – and that’s completely okay! However, the flip side to this is that it’s also a bad idea to go into the meeting assuming you’ll hate them and have nothing in common!

Try to frame them in your head as an ally

You already have one huge thing in common – this person you both love! If nothing else, hopefully you both want your shared partner to be happy. So think of them as a teammate in this particular endeavor. “We both love Sarah and really want to make her happy” is a much better framing than “this person is competition for Sarah’s affections!”

Remember your metamour will be nervous too

They’re likely to be just as nervous as you are! They’re going through the same experience – meeting your partner’s other partner for the first time. Even just remembering this can go a long way to humanizing them and stopping them from feeling like an adversary or yourself from feeling like you’re in a disadvantaged position.

Arm yourself with a few safe topics of conversation

Photo by The Gender Spectrum Collection

Your shared partner should be able to provide some guidance here, as they know both of you well. Do you have any interests in common? Any hobbies or fandoms they’re hugely interested in? Even simple questions like “What sort of music are you into?” or “I saw [Amazing Film] last week, have you seen it yet?” can be good icebreakers. Work, academic field, family, holidays and the eternally-popular topic of the Non Monogamy Origin Story are all good and usually-safe conversational avenues to explore.

Wear something you feel great in

We all feel stronger and more empowered when we feel amazing about ourselves. Whether it’s a statement tee, your favorite boots or a new lipstick, wear something that makes you feel fabulous and your confidence will be higher straight away.

Give yourself a big pat on the back afterwards

You did the scary thing! Well done! In the best case scenario, you might have a great new friend. Hopefully worst-case, you and this person didn’t really click but at least now you have a line of communication and you know who each other are.

Have you met your metamour? How did it go? Tweet at us or comment to tell us all about it!