Ah, the holidays. Love them, endure them or hate them, the Christmas holidays – or any important holidays you celebrate – have a unique set of challenges when you’re in a non-traditional relationship. From disapproving families to the endless scheduling, I wouldn’t blame my fellow polyamorous people if we all just decided to take a long nap and wake up again in January when it’s all over.

But with a little forward planning, creative thinking and communication, you can make the whole season run much more smoothly. Here are five of the most common poly holiday problems, and some thoughts on how to navigate them.

Your family doesn’t know you’re polyamorous

A lot of us aren’t “out” to our families about our polyamorous relationship, and often for very good reason. Whether your family are deeply religious, simply very closed-minded and judgmental, or you’re worried about things like custody of children, your reasons for being closeted are your own and must be respected.  The problem with this, of course, is that it means we cannot bring both or all of our partners home for Christmas or introduce them to our families when they come to visit – which can be both painful and stressful.

Some possible solutions

Limit the amount of time you spend with people who don’t know to what you can reasonably handle. (This will be different for everyone as we all have varying levels of comfort with our closets.)

Have a separate holiday celebration with your polyamorous family. In my polycule we call this “Polycule Yule.”

Whatever you do, don’t be tempted to bring a second partner home and expect them to be “just a friend” in front of your family. This will only cause stress and tension to everyone involved. And families are more observant than you think they are. This is the quickest way to blow your closet open.

You can’t go home with your partner

This kind of situation sucks if you’re the one that your partner cannot introduce to their family for whatever reason. While it’s imperative that you respect their choice – no-one should ever be forced out of a closet against their will – it’s also natural and normal that you might feel some sadness, grief, disappointment or resentment.

Some possible solutions

First, take care of yourself. Plan nice things to do – with your friends, your own family, your other partners or even by yourself – when your partner is out of town or has their family visiting.

You should also talk to your partner about your feelings, ideally in advance and then plan to debrief afterwards. Remember, the goal here is not to change their family circumstances, which are theirs to navigate, but to communicate your needs and bring you closer together. They should be prepared to give you reassurance and affection.

You and your partner(s) or polycule could even make your own traditions! What would make the holidays feel special and meaningful to your relationship? Talk to your partners and try to negotiate for it.

Your family knows but uses it to make your life difficult

Perhaps even more frustrating than living in a closet is being open about your lifestyle but hearing how much everyone disapproves at every turn. This can be absolutely exhausting – the inane questions, the same tired stereotypes over and over, the accusations of being sinful or adulterous or just plain broken. It can be absolutely horrible to feel that the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are judging you or don’t understand you.

Some possible solutions

Go home less! Seriously, spending less time around people who judge you and make you feel bad about yourself is always a valid choice and can be an important act of self love.

You’re also allowed to shut down the conversations when they happen. One possible script might be, “I understand you might not approve of my relationship structure, but it’s not open for negotiation and I don’t want to discuss it any more. If you’d like to ask me about the people I love in good faith, I’m open to that, but I’m not going to debate the validity of my relationships with you again.”

You’re not being rude! They’re being rude by making you defend your consensual relationships with fellow adults. If being this confrontational scares you, you could always just try “Oh, let’s not talk about that again. Could you pass the cranberry sauce? Now tell me more about your [subject change.]” (Okay, I’m channelling some serious Captain Awkward vibes here.)

Everyone wants a piece of you – how do you keep everyone happy?

Photo credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection

The holidays are exhausting. And more partners means more people who are going to want to spend time with you. This is a lovely problem to have, of course, but can also be overwhelming, especially for introverts like myself.

Some possible solutions

Plan in plenty of time so that you’re not frantically juggling calendars with two weeks to go until Christmas. Do your best to stick to any plans you make – this way your partners will not feel messed about or let down.

Schedule rest/recuperation/duvet day/Netflix marathon sessions in your calendar and keep to those engagements with yourself, too!

Spread things out over a couple of weeks, and don’t say yes to more things than you will reasonably be able to handle.

Accept that you may not be able to give anyone – including yourself – absolutely everything they want, but work to come to a mutual compromise that will benefit everyone and ideally get everyone’s most important needs met.

It’s all so damn expensive!

More partners means more people to buy for, which for those on a budget can be seriously stressful. The capitalistic, consumerist culture around Christmas is real and it’s all too easy to feel the immense pressure it can pile on. But no-one should have to spend beyond their means.

Some possible solutions

Agree a strict limit with your partners for how much you’ll spend on a gift for each other. Or even agreeing not to exchange gifts this year is allowed!

You could put the money you save towards going on a nice date.

If you have time on your hands, making gifts can be both fun and inexpensive.

Another fun option if there’s a few people in your polycule who are all relatively close is to do a Secret Santa with a mutually-agreed spending limit.

What have you found to be the most challenging parts of being a non-monogamous person around the holidays, and how have you handled them? Tweet us and let us know or tell us in the comments!