Veto power is an agreement that some couples (or groups) in non-monogamous relationships use. To define it very briefly, veto power is a rule whereby one person can tell their partner to end a relationship with an outside party, and expect that they will comply. So if Sarah tells Bob that he has to break up with Mike, Sarah has exercised a veto.

I disagree with veto for a myriad of reasons: it’s cruel (to both your partner and your metamour.) It infantilizes adults by expecting them to obey your whims “because I said so.” It tends to do damage even to the relationship that isn’t ending, because it’s a huge breach of trust and causes serious hurt to your partner (causing your partner pain is a great way to harm your relationship!) And it discourages the use of open communication and conflict resolution skills by replacing them with a kill-switch.

But going into an open or polyamorous relationship without veto is, understandably, scary. “But Amy,” I hear you say, “without veto, how do I retain control? What do I do if my partner is dating someone really awful?”

Here are five strategies you can use to manage your polyamorous relationships that DON’T involve veto.

Use your words

“No veto” does not mean “no voice” – at least not if you have a healthy and functional relationship! So if you have an issue or concern, talk to your partner. How this conversation looks depends on the nature of your concern. If you’re just feeling jealous or insecure and can’t work out why, this is a great time to ask your partner for reassurance. If you see issues with the way your metamour is behaving, raise it!

Try scripts like these, adapting to your circumstances:

“I felt really uncomfortable about that thing your partner said at dinner. Did you notice that? Can we talk about it?”

“When he spoke to you in that way, I was concerned for you. Does that happen a lot?”

“I’m noticing signs (such as X and Y) that seem to me like she’s resentful of my place in your life. Do I need to be worried?”

If your partner isn’t prepared to listen, hear you out or engage in a dialogue with you, then you have a problem. But it’s not a problem a veto can fix, because the issue is that your partner does not respect you or care about your feelings. A partner who loves you will listen to you. They might not take the course of action you’d prefer, but they will at least be willing to discuss it and explain their perspective as well as hearing yours.

Get to know your metamours

One of the scariest things about metamours can be the unknown. If you don’t know them, it can be easy to imagine they’re a perfect sex god or goddess who is going to steal your partner from under your nose. If you don’t see them interacting with your partner, your imagination can fill in the blanks and assume the worst.

So get to know them! Have coffee, go for dinner, or even just chat for twenty minutes when they come by to pick up your partner for date night. If you humanize them, you’re less likely to want to get rid of them at a moment’s notice on a whim. 

Accept that it’s okay to not like your metamours

You don’t have to love your metamours! Maybe you two don’t click. Maybe they just absolutely drive you up the wall. That’s okay! Being best buddies is fun when it happens, but far from essential. Letting go of the idea that there is necessarily something wrong with you – or with them – if you simply don’t get along is very liberating. If you’ve honestly tried and you honestly just can’t with them, then give yourself enormous permission to limit contact and not try to force a relationship or friendship if it simply isn’t working. <

“I’m not particularly fond of him, I support your relationship but would prefer minimal direct contact between us” is a perfectly acceptable stance to take. You don’t have to veto someone who makes your partner happy – you can just decide they don’t make you happy and so you’ll limit your time with them accordingly.

Set boundaries and hold them firmly

Boundaries are the rules we set around our bodies, property, time, energy, space and other things we own or have control over. Set clear boundaries – in what ways you will and won’t spend time with someone, allow them into your home, share physical touch or sex with them, let them use your things, and so on – and hold firm to those boundaries. No matter what this week’s poly guru is telling you, you are under NO obligation to allow another person access to you or to any of these things that are yours – ever.

If your partner tries to force you to interact with your metamour in a way you don’t want to or to compromise your boundaries, you have a problem that veto won’t solve. If your partner respects your boundaries and supports you in maintaining them, veto is unnecessary.

Change or leave the relationship

This is a drastic and last resort, and not something I advise entering into lightly. But if a situation is really unbearable, you have the option to leave.

“But why should I leave?” you might be saying. “I was here first! Why should I be the one to go?” And I hear you. This is a horrible and painful decision. However, if the relationship you’re in isn’t making you happy – and if you find yourself regularly and seriously wanting to exercise veto, you’re not happy – then sometimes the best thing to do is leave or make a major change to the relationship.

It sucks. I’m sorry. But in the long run, you’ll very likely find that walking away from a situation that hurts you causes less pain than trying to make it work via slamming a veto down and dealing with all the fallout of that.

You can also tell your partner you’re thinking of doing this. I don’t mean “it’s her or me, you have to choose.” But you can say, “this situation is becoming too painful for me because of [reasons,] so I need to let you know I’m considering whether I can stay in this relationship.” The crucial thing here is that if nothing changes, you actually need to be prepared to leave. Don’t pull this out as an ultimatum or a veto in disguise.

Veto can be so tempting. But it is also invariably astonishingly destructive, and often in ways you did not predict or intend. Communication, boundaries, and a solid sense of your own limits and needs will serve you much better.