Something that people ask me constantly at this time of year is “How should polyamorous people handle Valentine’s Day?” Whether you love or hate the Day of Love on February 14th, there’s no getting away from it – it’s everywhere! But when you practice a non-traditional form of loving and relating, the extremely traditional romantic narratives pushed by Valentine’s Day can feel inadequate at best and stigmatizing at worst.

So how DO polyamorous people handle Valentine’s Day? As with anything else relationship related, there are no simple or one-size-fits-all answers. I asked a bunch of polyamorous people how they do it. Maybe their answers will give you some inspiration.

“We all celebrate together!”

This can be a great option if you’re in a group relationship (such as a triad or quad) or if you practice kitchen-table polyamory. And if you all live reasonably close to each other or can make schedules line up.

This could be a big group outing or date somewhere, or simply a quiet night in at home with your loved ones. “I’m having a games night and inviting all the folks I like to it,” Sophia told me on Twitter. “No dates, no gifts, but local partners and metamours are all invited.”

“Separate dates with everyone!”

This works better if you have different schedules, live in different places, or just don’t have the kind of relationship where you all spend group time together. How you do this, of course, depends on things like energy levels and money.

“One year I did breakfast out with one, lunch with another, and dinner in with another!” Ness told me. That sounds both amazing and exhausting. You could spread your dates out over several days or even a couple of weeks if that works for you, of course. What matters is being together, not doing everything exactly on February 14th. (Ness also mentioned that she’d like to put together a cuckolding scene for a guy she’s dating for Valentine’s Day this year, but cites being “pressed for time” due to her upcoming exams as a hindrance to this plan!)

“Celebrate it with the people who care!”

If you have one partner who loves Valentine’s Day and another who would happily ignore it completely, it’s totally okay to celebrate with the person who cares about it.

I once heard a lovely story about a woman who didn’t care about Valentine’s Day but knew her husband’s girlfriend did, so she sent them off on a special date together. What matters isn’t that everything has to be equal, but that everyone feels taken care of and like their needs are being met.

“Do something sexy that isn’t traditionally romantic!”

SB told me that they once celebrated Valentine’s Day by going to a Fetish Flea (a kind of market where people sell kinky things) – and I absolutely loved this idea. It could be a fetish event, a night out at a sex club, setting up a scene you’ve been wanting to do for ages, having a big orgy with all of your lovers (and I admire you immensely if you can pull this off,) or even just having a night in with your vibrator and your favorite porn. Doing whatever you find sexy is an entirely valid and awesome way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

“Cards and gifts!”

“I do cards for everyone,” Abigail said. “I rather enjoy going out and buying three Valentine’s Day cards at once!” (Have you ever done this? I recommend it, it’s hilarious.) “None of us are big into Valentine’s,” she added, “but it’s nice to do something small.”

A few years ago, I used to buy small gifts (think: mini boxes of chocolates) for all my partners regardless of level of seriousness. I was broke as hell and didn’t have a primary partner to go on a date with, so this was a low-key way of expressing affection to the important people in my life.

“Celebrate other kinds of love!”

Galentine’s Day takes place on February 13th every year and was created as an antidote to the Valentine’s focus on picture-perfect romantic love. Galentine’s Day celebrates female friendship in all forms. If you’re a woman, why not buy flowers for a special woman in your life – your best friend, roommate, metamour or sister? – to show you how much you love her?

“I get gifts for my friends!” Othlon told me. “I love them too so why not use the day as an excuse to show that?”

Polyamory is not just about many loves but many kinds of love. This is a perfect way to acknowledge that not all meaningful relationships fit the Hollywood script.

“Take advantage of discounts the day after!”

My partner and I never go out on Valentine’s Day itself. It’s too crowded, too expensive, and being surrounded by displays of extremely traditional hetero-mono-normative romance isn’t our idea of fun. Instead, we have our own celebration – Sushi and Fisting Day (coined by an absolute genius on Fetlife) takes place on February 15th. I invite you all to celebrate it if this sounds like fun to you!

Rose describes Valentine’s Day as a “commercially-driven shit-show” but describes the 15th as “YAY cheap chocolate day!”

“Ignore it completely!”

There’s no obligation to celebrate Valentine’s Day at all, whether you have one partner or two or ten. If both or all of you just don’t feel like it or can’t be bothered, please consider this your permission slip to ignore it entirely. It doesn’t make your love any less real or your relationship any less wonderful!

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day in your polycule? Tell us about it!