The first time I experienced sex with a strap on was terrible. And it still makes me giggle today, nearly six years later. My two partners and I went to the local adult store. We purchased the first harness we found along with a sparkly, pearl colored, silicone dildo called a Unicorn. After we got home, my boyfriend and I tried it on.

We awkwardly tried to position ourselves and, after twenty minutes of angles that would have made Pablo Picasso envious, we sprawled on the bed in exhaustion. My husband watched from the corner with his feet up, shaking his head and snickering at us My boyfriend looked up at him, sighed and said, “A little help here?”

In the end, when people ask me about strap ons I just giggle and say they aren’t the most intuitive sex toy I’ve ever experienced. Thankfully, a few years of playing around has helped, and I’ve had less comical orgasms using them.

I am a cis-gendered woman. This, of course, affects my views and experiences using strap ons. If you are interested in the topic from a trans person’s point of view, with resources, I highly recommend checking out this Twitter thread by Corey Alexander.

Choosing a Strap On

Buying a strap on is like buying any other sex toy. The toy should be:

• safe for internal and external use
• the shape and materials comfortable to the users
• it should preferably be aesthetically appealing to the users

Before purchasing, decide what you want to do with it. Is this for general wear, gender experimentation or play, or solely for sex with partners? It can be all of these things or flexible. Having an idea before buying helps you decide what you want instead of feeling overwhelmed by all your options.

Safety of use applies to both dildo and harness.

Some materials used in creating sex toys and harnesses can be unsafe. The best example of this is jelly rubber dildos which can cause chemical burns when used or worn against skin. Same with the harness, making sure that it is not made from materials wearer and their partner(s) are allergic to.

When considering comfort, size matters.

Many harnesses are one size fits all with adjustable straps. Unfortunately, these don’t fit all, especially plus size adults. Thankfully more companies are making harnesses that fit larger bodies like Wet For Her which offers harnesses up to 3X and 5x.

The second harness consideration is material.

Not only do you need to consider materials that won’t cause any allergic reactions for you or your partner(s) but also ones that are comfortable in general. My first harness was made from nylon straps that chaffed my boyfriend’s hips and my inner thighs so bad we could barely put pants on afterwards. Thankfully there are many other options including some that look like very comfortable boxer briefs or no harness at all. If you are going to wear these during sex or for long periods under clothes consider sweating, movement, and how many times you might have to make adjustments.

Lastly, consider the dildo itself.

If you are just starting out, consider a smaller dildo that is also soft and flexible. Of course, if you buy it to wear under clothes only, the length could vary depending on your comfort level arranging and wearing it under clothes.

When it comes to sex, well, I will never forget how bruised I was from all the jabbing my boyfriend did with that firm, long dildo – and I don’t mean bruised in a good way. I left the bed having a good idea how a medieval gate might feel when it was hit with a battering ram. A shorter, softer dildo would have allowed us to feel out angles much more comfortably, and there’s always room to go up in size and firmness later on.

Starting out a strap on with machismo and being a size snob doesn’t necessarily do anyone any favors.

My Favorite Strap On

After using various harnesses and dildos over the years, I fell in love with a strapless strap on. These are double ended dildos that curve so that the person wearing it can insert one end inside their vagina. Once in place, they use their muscles to grip it while using the other end to masturbate or penetrate a partner.

My boyfriend gifted me a Fun Factory Share when he started working at an adult store. He said he saw it and thought I’d enjoy having a purple cock all my own. He was right — I loved it! I took selfies with my big purple dick contrasting with lime green parachute pants and grinning like a dork as I sent them to my husband.

The best experience I had with a strapless strap on was later when my girlfriend used it on me. She was putting her toes into gender play and using a strapless strap on helped her slip into the headspace faster and easier. When I asked why, she said the harnesses she’d used in the past were uncomfortable and distracting. But going without them like this made it feel more organic and gave her more control to move.

Strapless strap ons like this, however, aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. The boyfriend that gave it to me never did find it comfortable. He explained that he was so focused on holding it in that he couldn’t get into using it. Others I’ve talked to about various sex toys found that being penetrated by and holding onto the toy was uncomfortable and threw them out of the headspace they sought.

This brings us back to how important it is to find the strap on that fits the user and their goals and comfort level.

No, Its Not Like in Porn

When my boyfriend pointed out that using a strap on is not like porn, we all had a good laugh. My husband was especially amused, mussed our boyfriend’s hair, and asked when he’d ever had sex that looked like it was in porn? The answer was never.

In porn, the focus is on the camera, even if the actors aren’t looking at the camera. The angles give the camera the best view, not comfort or pleasure to the actors and models involved. The actors and models are professionals who make facial expressions and moans that sound like ecstasy when all they want is for the person pounding them with a dildo to ease up a little.

With anything new regarding sex, including strap ons, it’s best to go slow and communicate. Ask and share what feels good, what doesn’t, and stay flexible with different positions until everyone involved finds what makes them happy.