One person’s kink is another person’s vanilla sex. What might feel wild and a little dangerous to you, might be “typical” foreplay for another. Kinky is as kinky does, and it’s all on a spectrum. There’s no single way to get kinky, but there are some things you should do before you spring a kinky surprise on your partner.

Talk About It

Before you’re naked, in bed, and ready to smack that ass, you need to talk about it. This is true for new partners or established relationships. If you don’t know how they feel about being smacked or whatever kinky thing you’re into, you might be in for a rude awakening.

No, talking about it doesn’t “ruin the mood.” You can be sexy about it, if that’s what you’re afraid of.

“Can I smack that fine booty?”
“Bad (girls/boys/appropriate word) get spankings. Would you like that?”

But if dirty talk isn’t your thing, just ask. Whisper it in their ear while you’re kissing and touching them. Bring it up while you watch porn together. Sext with them and ask what they think about it. Whatever your thing is, ask them. Ask if you can do it to them or if they’ll do it you. “Can I do…” and “Do you like…?” are the first steps in getting consent. And consent is what you need from your partner when you’re ready to kink things up.

Start Slow

Even a quick smack to the ass takes a little practice. You can hurt your own hand or your partner. So whatever kinky thing you want to try, start out slow. If you’ve bought some rope or a paddle to try out, you definitely want to practice first. Even the practice can be kind of sexy though.

Spankings and Impact: For paddles, whips, floggers, canes, and your bare-hand, take a practice swing or strike on a bed or pillow first. Then hit your forearm or thigh to get a sense of what it will feel like. When you feel like you have control over your swing, then take a practice strike on your partner’s forearm, thigh, or butt. Adjust how hard you swing or hit based on their feedback.

Rope Bondage: Watch videos or read books about how to use the rope you bought. Practice tying knots before you tie up your partner. Start with very simple ties and let your partner get used to the feeling. Ask if the rope is too tight or if they feel numbness or tingling. Loosen or remove any rope that cuts off circulation.

Dominance and submission (D/s): Talk about when you’ll play and what you both want. Share what your limits are, and listen to your partner’s. Find out what turns you both on about D/s. Start with a single thing: orgasm control, kneeling, following a command, whatever you’re excited to try. Give and listen to feedback about how you both felt about the experience once you’re done.

Don’t Stress About Gear

So you want to do a kinky thing, and your partner is down for it. But you don’t have any kinky gear or toys. You can go buy all kinds of sexy things, if you want and you’ve got the money for it. But you don’t have to. In the kink world, there’s this amazing thing called a “pervertable.” What is that?

It means you find stuff around your home and pervert it. Instead of the vanilla thing it’s meant to be used for, you use it for kinky fun. Wooden spoons become paddles. A belt becomes a collar. Clothespins become nipple clamps. A (clean!) feather duster becomes a tickler. Once you start kinking up the things in your home, you’ll start looking at everything for it’s potential kinky use.

Not everything can be kinked up, though.

• Don’t use twine or zip ties for bondage as they can cut into the skin. You can use rope, but make sure you have scissors that can cut through it if there’s an emergency.
• Avoid using tape, especially duct tape, in place of bondage tape because taking it off hurts — in a way your partner may not want.
• Be careful spanking or hitting your partner with anything extremely thin like a metal rod or wooden dowel. Hit hard enough, and you could break the skin and draw blood.
• If you use food as a kinky game (think chocolate syrup, whipped cream, honey), avoid putting anything with sugar near a vulva (yours or your partners) as this can lead to yeast infections.

Stay Safe

Kinky sex sounds like something fun and sexy — and it is, once you find what you get off on. But you also have to keep each other safe. Spankings and paddles cause pain. Bondage, with handcuffs or rope, can cut off circulation. Saying the wrong thing to your partner, even in dirty talk, can trigger them. Kink is fun, but it’s most fun when everyone’s having a good time and feels good.

So yes, you need to think about safety, even if you’re “just” having kinky sex.

• Practice using kinky toys on inanimate objects and yourself before trying them on your partner.
• Have scissors, a key, some quick unlocking mechanism to release someone from bondage as quickly as possible. If they can’t feel parts of their body or something turns blue, get them out of it quick!
• Decide on a safeword or if “no” and “stop” will mean “no” and “stop.” In kinky fun, sometimes people say no when they don’t mean it. It’s part of the scene. If you don’t talk about it first, always assume no means no. But ask to make sure. If a safeword is chosen, remind each other of what it is.
• When in doubt, during your kinky sex, check in and ask, “Do you like this?” or “Can I keep going?” Then actually do what your partner says.

Getting kinky sounds a bit like work, doesn’t it? It’s not as complicated as you might think. If you can go through this process with a partner and find what works, it’s even easier the next time you want to try a new kinky thing. The communication you learn when getting serious about kink bleeds over into other aspects of your relationship — and in future relationships.