Sometimes it’s harder to make your sexy dreams come true than you think it will be. Take it from someone who tried to organize a spanking party for her birthday this year – these things take planning. Huge sploshing scenes or intricate rope suspension doesn’t only need consent; it takes practice, patience and preparation too.

You can’t jump straight into a 24/7 D/s dynamic or dive head-first into fisting. But there are ways you can take baby steps towards your wildest fantasies. Here are some bite-size sex adventures that might help you prepare for that fortieth-birthday gang-bang you want.

These suggestions are mostly targeted towards couples who have already started having conversations about exploring their kinks together. If you’re interested, but don’t have a partner or haven’t talked to your partner about kink yet, start with communication first.

Work on your dirty talk

Have you and your partner decided to explore humiliation play? Have you confessed that you want to share more of your fantasies with each other? If you’re not used to talking explicitly about sex, it can be hard to say some of these things aloud. Even if you know your partner doesn’t just consent to being degraded, but they actively want you to call them a “dirty little slut” while you have sex, it can be hard to actually say it to them. It can be awkward and embarrassing to start with. Practice makes that easier.

Try some sexting! Whether you’re exchanging dirty WhatsApp messages or post-it notes on the fridge, writing down the things you want to say will help give you the confidence to say them out loud to your partner.

Warm up (with a butt-plug)

Want to try anal sex, maybe in the form of pegging your partner? When it comes to putting things in your vagina or your butt, it’s good to warm-up before going for the biggest dildo or aubergine you can get your hands on. (Quick note that aubergines, courgettes or carrots should never be used for anal play, due to their lack of a flared base.) Use condoms, lube, and start with fingers, and maybe use body-safe toys to give anal play a go before you rush into it full-steam ahead.

Warm-up your body! And butt plugs definitely don’t need to be boring: they can be kinky adventures all in themselves!

Get used to being naked

Want to give group sex a go? Threesomes are a staple of the “let’s spice things up!” sex diet, and they can be super fun. But it’s also easy to put a ton of pressure on yourself in a way that isn’t conducive to fulfilling group sex. Sex takes vulnerability, so embarrassment and nerves are common when you’re getting naked with new people. It’s understandable that you might struggle to relax under the pressure of a threesome.

Go to a sex club or swinger night! You don’t have to have sex with anyone else, or even each other if you’re not into exhibitionism. However, being naked around other people is good practice for when you need to take your clothes off in a more high-pressure sexy situation.

Make the practice sexy

What about exploring your sadism/machoism with your partner? Impact play can be sexy, but while deliberate pain is hot, accidental pain is not. It’s important for whoever tops to build up some skills before they go all-out with an impressive looking single-tail whip. If you’re into spanking, research the places on your body where it’s safe for your partner to hit you. If you want to try flogging, practice hitting a pillow or a sofa cushion (suede will show the marks well!) so you can be sure that your strikes will land in the same place.

Even if there’s no skin-on-skin impact happening, that practice can still lead to sexy fun! Watching your partner’s concentration and display of competence and physical exertion? I don’t know about you, but I’d find that very hot.

Get started with ideas, not equipment

Do you find the idea of restraints really hot? There’s lots of ways you can explore restraints without buying a hog-tie hardness or spending hours mastering rope-bondage knots. In fact, predicament bondage doesn’t need any fancy kink gear: you can just tell your partner to hold a position while you go down on them or do mean things to their nipples – and then punish them if they disobey you! Holding a coin against the wall with your nose counts as form of restraint, and despite their 50 Shades associations, ties can be loosely knotted around wrists to keep your partner in place.

Start small! Home-made kink toys can be just as effective as anything you buy in a sex shop, and your imagination can stock your sex life far better than any store.

There are so many other bitesize sex adventures that can lead you into kink and towards your bucket-list sex goals. It’s far better to go slow and instead of rushing into things and doing anything that will put you off from further explorations! Seamless BDSM and butt sex doesn’t happen overnight, but it can happen — with time, patience, and baby steps.