At 54 years old, I find myself alone. After two marriages, two divorces and long-term relationship ending abruptly, being alone makes me wonder how and why things turn out as they do. There are several milestone moments in life where you look back on the chapters of your life and assess the past. What I see when I look back over my chapters is a pattern of mistakes that led me to where I am now.

As I look back at my life separated by my relationships, I see the patterns clearly. My two marriages (20 years and 15 years respectfully) were good until they weren’t. There are many reasons they didn’t work, and those patterns are clear as well, but focusing on the beginning and the dating phase is important.

Patterns of Mistakes in My Dating Life

The truth is, I didn’t date. I never dated. I met, became friends, fell in love, and morphed into what I thought they wanted me to be until they fell in love with me, or I just wore them down. The length of the relationship meant there were things that worked. I look back at those marriages and still find joy in the memories. Had I been more myself and less what they wanted me to be, would things would have lasted as long as they did or even begun in the first place?

First Mistake: Fitting Their Needs

The first mistake was morphing to fit their needs, likes, and wants. Did I morph so badly that I wasn’t myself at all? No, but changing into what they wanted me to be was the first mistake. “Oh, you like camping? Me too! I love camping!” So off we go camping. My closest experience was a girl scout camping trip overnight in the woods where the entire troop caught poison ivy. I ended in the hospital and missed three days of school. But sure, camping sounds like a blast! I faked joy through every Labor Day and Memorial Day camping trip for the next five or six years. Swimming with snakes, sleeping with mosquitos, and digging a hole in the ground to use as a toilet. My morphed self was to blame for that one.  

Second Mistake: Avoiding Disagreement

The second mistake was agreeing with things that I truly didn’t agree with: political views, child-raising ideas, religious preferences. It all seemed harmless and was an unconscious decision based on my utter avoidance and fear of confrontation. I do not like to debate, argue, or strongly discuss anything. I listen, I internally agree or disagree, then I nod my head and respond, “Exactly!” “I know right!” “You have a point there!” Agree or disagree I rarely gave my own opinion. It was easier and I avoided any confrontation.

Third Mistake: Giving Up My Voice

The third mistake was probably the worst. I never said anything. That means I never complained, never corrected, and never communicated that I was uncomfortable about anything, big or small. Was I avoiding confrontation? Yes. But more than that, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the people I loved. Maybe this is more a martyr complex but at the time I thought I was sparing them by not showing my disappointment.

Learning From My Dating Mistakes

What has all this looking back shown me? I’ve learned I need to change. All three mistakes happened in every relationship. So what does that look like for the future?

Lesson One: Date More

The worst mistake you can make is to “not” date. A good friend doesn’t always make a good lover. There is something unique about meeting someone for the purpose of dating them. Of course, you should be friends with your lovers, and it is wonderful when that happens. Taking the easy way and “making it work” by pretending to be something you aren’t is the mistake. Going forward, I won’t go camping in a tent but if you want to rent a cabin with a toilet, hike during the day and drink whiskey by the fire at night… I am in!

Lesson Two: Say What I Think

The second thing I will do differently is to speak up. Keeping how I really feel inside is a relationship killer. I recently put this into practice on a first date after about a month of texting. While at dinner he looked at me and said, “I didn’t think I was going to have a good time. I’ve read your blog and its really morose. I mean, it was more like a diary than a blog and super depressing. There were also typos and grammatical errors.” I got really pissed. Talk about a bad ice breaker.

I didn’t ask him to edit my blog he asked for the link. A thousand responses went through my mind, and I landed on, “You clearly didn’t read very much of it because there is some sexy stuff there where those typos wouldn’t have bothered you!” I took a drink of my beer, flagged the waitress, and ordered a whiskey.

Lesson Three: Be Honest

The third thing I have learned that I must do is to be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts but without it the relationship dies a slow painful death. Sometimes good things come from the most uncomfortable situations and conversations. It may last for a short time, and it may end the relationship before it gets started. Either way, unless all parties involved are honest and open then nothing works. I want people to date me, the me I want to be, and the person I was meant to be.

These things are the mistakes and ultimately the patterns that I see in myself. We all have patterns and that is a good thing. As long as those patterns are not detrimental to your happiness and your healthy relationship.