Join Tinder, they said, it will be great, they said. There are so many people on the app, and it has evolved from just a hookup site! So-and-so met their husband there. With all this positive encouragement, I created a Tinder account in hopes of meeting some new and interesting men. It did not go as planned.

Here is my story of using my first dating app, to getting a permanent ban on Tinder.

Tinder Began as a Fun Way to Meet People

When I started on Tinder, the idea of swiping right or left seemed fun. I spent a few solid weeks reading profile after profile,  carefully picking and choosing men to swipe right for. What I didn’t realize was just how much of a numbers game swiping turns into. After a few short months you get almost addicted to the matches. Instead of looking at anyone’s profile (mainly those looking for women), it morphs into a daily challenge to max out your allowable swipes.

If, for example, you have 20 yes swipes in a day, you want to make sure you reach that goal, to ensure the best possible chance of getting a match. Once you get a swipe back, then you can take the time to check their photo’s and profile (if even provided). I quickly learned Tinder is not about swiping on people you’re interested in from the onset. No, no! That doesn’t happen until you match with someone.

The Five Deadly H’s

As a result of the matches being the first real interaction, the first messages are lack luster at best. The most common message I received started by asking if I wanted to hook up or by using one of the five deadly H’s (Hi, Hello, Hey, How R U, and How U Doing). From a female perspective, we are not matched for time investment. Women read this first messages from guys at a deficit of time spent. We read the profile, looked at their picture, and have an emotional response at receiving the first message. Upon receiving a useless first message, our emotional investment seems wasted.

That initial excitement or intrigue shifts into making a choice. Do we respond to the hookup message? Do we put effort into turning the five H’s into an actual conversation, hoping it leads to a first date? No one is great at communicating online naturally. And when there is a mismatch in effort right from the get-go things get a little emotional. At least that was my experience. I would get angry with all the men just wanting to sleep with me (no harm, no foul mentality approaching a stranger right?), and irritated at receiving no less than 20 of the H’s as openers per day. It wore me down.

Fixing the Problem

I decided to do something about it. Rather than just complain about the terrible time I was having on Tinder, I went the opposite direction. I decided to make Tinder better for women by teaching men what they were doing wrong! This was to be my ultimate downfall. What I did not realize at the time was men, in particular, don’t want to be told what to do in life, and especially by an online stranger.

In my defense, I truly thought men would be happy to learn new things, up their game, and have a better chance of meeting in person. No one, it turns out, reacts well to unsolicited advice no matter what your intentions.

One of the key things that makes online dating work is recognizing that it is a tool. And like every tool, you need to learn how to use it properly, so you don’t hurt yourself or others. This is how I approached my self-appointed mission.

I created a user manual to help guys approach and make better first impressions. I filmed videos for a YouTube channel, knowing how men tend to prefer learning via visual aids. And I developed a website and added it right onto my Tinder account, offering reasonable fees to help them improve their profiles and opening messages. It took months of hard work, but my determination to make Tinder a better place drove me forward.

Where I Went Wrong

Here’s where it all fell apart. You cannot solicit a service or product on an online dating site. As an individual, you are meant to use the app as intended. And no one wants to admit that they pay someone to help them improve their game, dating or sexual. Especially on a free dating site. The bar is set at free, and that is the level of importance people put into it. End of story.

I would love to say that after the first report for solicitation I changed my ways. Instead, I became more vocal, more sure of myself. I believed there was a real pain point here that men didn’t want to admit. The second time, my account got more than a slap on the wrist. I actually got booted off for an entire week to think about what I had done. I used that time to think long and hard about how I could reach more people. How I could switch to helping all users and not just men. Rather than recognizing that I was wrong, and I was the problem, I re-branded my links, pushing even harder once my Tinder punishment ended.

As I went into what would be my final week on Tinder, I realized that I was no longer in a good dating state of mind. I ruined my experience and handed men more ammunition to complain about the toxicity of Tinder. I created a whole new problem for people. No matter my intentions, I watched myself go from ideological and helpful to angry and bitter that men didn’t react positively to my advice. Not only were they not getting laid, but they also had to deal with me, a person trying to start a business off of their pain. Men were mad at me. And they showed it by reporting my account so many times that I am now permanently banned.

Tl;dr: My Tinder account was suspended due to a violation of their solicitation policy. I lost sight of how important being in a good dating state of mind is for online dating and that men do not take kindly to being told that they are bad at the whole online thing. I learned the hard way that you cannot force help on those who are unwilling. In an effort to improve the experience I ended up making it worse.