Trust. It’s a small word with massive implications. It’s a feeling, a hunch, a sense, and a huge factor in getting close, and staying close, to the people we care about. Our values surrounding trust often develop early in life, influenced by the people around us who care for us. How our trust is managed or mismanaged by others when we are young and vulnerable and still learning how the world works, matters a lot. Like most things that we experience in our “formative years,” trust can have a big impact on how we move through the world and navigate relationships of all kinds.

How then, do we bounce back when our trust has been broken or if we have broken someone’s trust? Here’s a hint: it’s much more about you than it is about them.

Accept that it may never be the same

When trust has been broken, the initial priority is often to “get back to where we were.” While it’s a valiant goal to want to move forward and regain lost ground, accepting that you’re in new territory together and things may never be like they used to be, can be very empowering. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it can’t be great. If you are both ready to move on together despite the past, this acceptance will be challenging but possible. It’s okay to grieve the loss of what you had before the trust was broken, no matter who broke it.

You don’t need to be a hero, a victim, a villain or a martyr

Distrust often comes with disbelief: “How could they do this to me?” This is a normal emotional response to being hurt and part of processing complex feelings in intimate relationships. You may also feel determined to “fix” the situation you’ve caused, or to eternally punish your partner for their errors. If you truly want to move past an indiscretion or betrayal, process these emotions before you attempt to resurrect the relationship. Feel your emotions, talk to a therapist, journal, scream into a pillow. Do what you each need to do to walk the road to relationship redemption together.

Forgiveness is for you, not them

Few things doom a relationship like holding onto resentment. Forgiveness is key to truly moving on but it can feel really confusing and like you condone or support bad behavior if you forgive. Forgiveness may feel like a gift they don’t deserve, but on the flipside, you don’t deserve to carry anger and disappointment just to prove a point. Give yourself permission to forgive them because it’s the right thing for you. Give yourself permission to accept their forgiveness if you are the one responsible for the betrayal.

Do you agree on how to cultivate trust going forward?

If your relationship hit the skids in the past because of a breach of trust, trying to go forward without re-defining where the boundaries of trust are is an exercise in frustration. Talk it through until you understand one another. Agree on a game plan for how to avoid this sort of stumbling block in the future. Once you know what trust looks and feels like for both of you, talk about what you need in order to feel trusting of your partner, and what you need to feel trusted by them. Actions speak louder than words, as they say, but being thoughtful of both is essential if your relationship is still healing.

Don’t expect perfection

Perfection is a dangerous goal in any context, but it’s a recipe for disaster when it comes to expectations of a partner. If they are open to change and improvement and you’re both committed to continuing together, be reasonable in your requirements. This is not an opportunity to extort or punish them. If you still feel the need to lord their mistake over them, consider that maybe you are unable to move forward. Seeking counsel from friends or mentors is valuable in these situations (use your resources!), but make your own decisions. Ultimately, people in your life may provide perspective, but they are not in your relationship. You and your partner get to decide what works for you and what is acceptable.

You can’t get the toothpaste back in the tube

Sometimes, there’s no going back, and there’s no going forward. Sometimes a breach of trust can’t be repaired, and the relationship is no longer viable for one or both of you. Not everyone wants to try or is brave enough to try. Not everyone feels worthy of a second chance, and not everyone believes in giving them one. If you have tried and it just isn’t something you can get past, or even if you have considered it and decided that it’s not worth trying, that’s okay too. Trust is a primal emotion and following your gut, your intuition, your truth, is never the wrong choice. It’s okay to give up and walk away, just be sure that you’re sure.

Trust is a very personal and specific feeling, and everyone experiences it differently. If you have broken someone’s trust, or had yours broken, it may cause a wound that is slow to heal, or impossible to mend. For many people, trust is a lifelong series of lessons and learning opportunities. Take the time to understand your own standards of trust and how flexible you will allow yourself to be. Are the risks worth the rewards? Do you trust yourself to find out? Even if you have been hurt before, the only way to know is to try again.