*Trigger warning: domestic and dating violence and abuse will be discussed throughout this article.
All of us have most likely dated at least one person our friends didn’t like. This could be a matter of preference or a differing of opinions. But it could also hint at deeper issues within the relationship. More importantly, your friend’s off-put vibe could be a direct result of their concern for you. This is especially true if your partner is unfriendly, rude, or possibly dangerous.
It’s difficult to approach a friend you think might be dating a person who is unhealthy for them. Consider what you would want from a friend in this situation before starting this internal conversation. If you dated a potentially abusive or problematic partner, would you want a friend to step in?
Situations like these should be approached with as much empathy as possible. Before you sit down with a friend and voice your concerns, do your research on what constitutes manipulative and abusive behavior. In order to maintain your friendship if they are involved with an abusive partner, handle this situation with care and compassion to ensure your friend’s safety.
“I Just Don’t Like Your Partner”
This is a situation that’s bound to happen. You date someone your friends don’t like or they date someone you loathe. Often, when the relationship isn’t serious, brush off the dislike and move on from it.
However, as we move into our late twenties and early thirties, relationships become more serious and long-term. Friends start moving in, marrying, and/or having children with these partners. In most cases, it’s best to just grin and bear it. If you’d prefer not to hang out with their partner on a personal level, you have to find a way to live with it.
One of the worst mistakes friends make is bringing up grievances about a friend’s partner repeatedly. Chances are, if your friend is smart and self-aware, they will realize that this partner is not the best fit and move forward eventually. Even if they don’t, you might ruin your friendship which most likely wasn’t your aim.
This is why empathy towards your friend is so important. You wouldn’t want to be excommunicated from a friend group just because your partner isn’t the best one you ever had — or simply because you’re just not keen to be friends with them.
It’s always a blessing when your friend dates someone you actually want to spend time with, too. And blessings wouldn’t be blessings if they weren’t rare. Find compassion for your friend and their partner and try not to pass judgement when it isn’t asked for.
“I’m Scared for My Friend”
If it’s more than you don’t get along, and you’ve seen signs of abuse or manipulation in the relationship, it could be time to step in. When someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you must tread lightly when it comes to intervention.
Many people being abused, especially women and members of the LGBTQ+ community, find it very difficult to find the resources they need to reconcile with these patterns of abuse from their partner. They also find it especially hard to leave. That’s not to say that cis straight men aren’t also at risk for abuse in their relationships and should be treated with the same care. But 1 in 4 women will experience abuse — whether verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual — in their lifetimes.
Some warning signs of a toxic or abusive relationship include: withdrawing from the friend group on the wishes (or demand) of their partner, minimizing behavior or maximizing the severity of their partner’s behavior, verbal or physical threats, sexual coercions or assaults, threats of suicide, and gaslighting.
If you’re unsure of what is going on in your friend’s relationship, allow them to talk about it in a safe environment. Make it clear that you will listen and help in any way you can.
Use All of the Resources You Have at Your Disposal
If you suspect that your friend is in a relationship that may turn dangerous or violent, you’ve gotten more than a bad feeling from their partner upon meeting or after multiple interactions with them. After discussing it with your friend and gaining more insight, do some research on your own.
While you may not be able to gauge their partner’s mental health and stability right away, there is value in noticing how their behavior affects your friend when they’re around. You may even feel their presence when they’re not around. If your friend constantly receives texts or calls or their partner consistently shows up uninvited, these are blatant signs of manipulation and control tactics within their relationship.
If this persists and you worry for your friend’s safety, find resources to help identify which behaviors are clear signs of abuse. Use those to determine if it’s something you should address with your friend. There are plenty of resources online you can use to mark abusive tendencies. Some of the most comprehensive include National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, talkspace, and The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Consult these websites before making any rash decisions. And let your friend know that you are there for them no matter the outcome. Often support is what victims need most in their time of need.
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