Open any social media app, and I guarantee you’ll come across a post saying something along the lines of “If they really loved you, they would change their hurtful behavior the first time you asked.” It was probably shared by someone having issues in their relationship but not talking to their partner about it. Talk about unrealistic expectations!

I’m not talking about abuse or narcissistic behavior. If you’re in an abusive relationship, I urge you to find help. If you ask your partner to change their behavior overnight and become upset when it doesn’t happen – I’m talking to you. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation, but it can set your relationship up for a rocky future.

Your Partner Isn’t a Mind Reader

Personal change takes time. It’s not going to happen overnight and expecting it to is hurtful behavior. If your partner is truly engaging in behavior that you deem hurtful, your first step should be to sit down and talk to them. Be honest and specific about the behavior and how it makes you feel. They may not even be aware that you find their sarcastic comments or lack of help around your home to be hurtful.

Remember, no one is a mind reader. You must express your emotions before claiming that they don’t care about you because they do or don’t do something you would like for them to. Discussing your feelings and how they make you feel through their actions is vital to any healthy relationship.

After talking to your partner and pointing out the hurtful behavior, work on an effective plan, support your partner in their personal change, and be patient. Memes like the one I mentioned above perpetuate unhealthy expectations in relationships and can cause more harm than good. A good rule of thumb is that if anything on social media has the words “if they really loved you, they would….” it probably won’t create a loving, welcoming, healthy environment in your relationship.

Be Honest with Your Partner

It’s never a good idea to get your relationship advice from memes or other forms of entertainment on social media. Especially if the relationship advice sets unrealistic expectations! Being honest with and supporting your partner is the best relationship advice you will ever find, and I can almost promise you won’t find that in a  meme.

A couple of years ago I said something insensitive and selfish to a grieving friend. My husband took me to the side and said “That was very selfish and hurtful. You have a habit of being selfish and hurting those around you.” It hurt, it stung, and I’m pretty sure I cried. But then, I pulled myself together and asked him how I could change that. He told me that it was going to take some time, but that he would help me.

From that moment on if I said something selfish, he would tell me. If I felt like something I wanted to say or do had the potential to be selfish, I asked him. Every time I learned that I had done something selfish, it stung, I wanted to hide from the world, but it helped me to recognize those hurtful behaviors and change them.

Change Takes Time

I’m not saying that two years later I’m a completely different person. I still do and say selfish things, and they still hurt my partner and friends. But I do it a lot less often, and I can often call myself out on the behavior rather than having my partner point it out. I have also learned to own my actions and apologize. My husband didn’t expect me to change over night. Even two years after he pulled me aside, he still understands when I act selfishly, and supports and praises me when I correct my actions.

I’m not asking you to accept your partner’s hurtful behavior. I’m not even saying you have to stick around if you find that behavior to be a red flag. All I am saying is that agreeing with a post on social media that says “If they really loved you, they would change their hurtful behavior the first time you asked” is setting unrealistic expectations in your relationship.

Expecting your partner to change overnight is not only unrealistic, but it’s unhealthy and can damage your relationship. Take time to talk to your partner about their hurtful behavior. Work on a plan with them to correct the hurtful behavior. Understand that no one can change their habits overnight and that they may still hurt you. But if they are working on it, they might not mean to.