The world is pretty hostile to the idea of trans people dating. So hostile that I feel like I have to open this with a disclaimer, lest the online discourse machine decide to twist my words. No, I’m not going to come into your home and force you to swipe right on every trans person within a 1000 mile radius. I’m here to help you keep it respectful if you’re a cisgender person talking to a trans cutie on a dating app.

While the dating app landscape is getting better and more trans friendly, there’s still a long way to go. Trans specific dating apps are mostly hot messes, focusing on attracting cisgender people who fetishize the idea of having a trans partner, and often including the use of derogatory transphobic terms to refer to their trans users. Tinder and Grindr have introduced multiple gender options, but multiple trans women have still reported having their accounts suspended because of mass flagging. And as somebody on Grindr, I can confirm my inbox contents have not improved.

A top down approach to combating transphobia on dating apps alone isn’t enough. Cisgender people becoming more educated on respectful discourse with trans people can be nothing but helpful. So I’ve laid out four broad tips on how to do so.

1: Don’t treat trans people as a sexual kink or novelty

A lot of cisgender people on dating/hookup apps think that trans people exist as something “exotic” or a sexual experience that can be “tried.” They don’t us see as people in our own rights. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with somebody who’s transgender. (I frequently want to hookup with people who are transgender!) But wanting to hookup with or date a trans person specifically because they are trans, without thinking of or noticing anything about their personality, is. On dating apps trans people are generally looking for relationships with people who like them as people. They don’t want to be treated as sexual novelties to be tried once.

Even on hookup apps, it’s possible to be forward about wanting sex with a trans individual without making their trans status A Thing. On Grindr, lots of men notice that I’m a trans guy, and immediately send a message about how they’ve always wanted to try penis-in-vagina sex with a trans man (but in less nice language than that). Messages like that make a lot of assumptions about how I have sex based only on my trans status. They also treat my trans status itself as the main draw about me. I want somebody to approach me on dating apps because they think I as a person am particularly sexy, not because they think the concept of sleeping with a trans man is exotic.

2: Don’t treat trans people as walking trans encyclopedias

First off, don’t message or swipe right on a trans person specifically so you can ask them questions about being trans. If I had a penny for every first message I’ve been sent on dating apps that contained invasive personal questions followed by “just curious,” I would no longer be in student debt.

Trans people didn’t sign up to be ambassadors when we came out. Being constantly treated like we should be a learning experience for cisgender people is exhausting. Trans people are on dating websites for the same reason that cisgender people are — to find dates! A cisgender person who has no intention of dating me sliding into my DMs to ask, “How is your transition going?” wastes everyone’s time. They also demonstrate a sense of entitlement to trans people’s time.

If you’ve matched with somebody who’s trans because you’re interested in them, but you’re not sure about some kind of terminology or what something means, that’s ok! It’s great that you’ve recognized you’re not an expert and want to make an effort to learn more! A a quick Google search to check what a term means goes a long way. Learning more is great in general. And being willing to put in that effort is a really attractive character trait.

3: Don’t treat interest in a relationship with a trans person as allyship

Being an ally to a marginalized group is a long, continuous process of learning. Dating a trans person, or being willing to, is not a substitute for this. It doesn’t mean you are free from transphobia or can’t be transphobic.

As a flip side of this, you shouldn’t treat romantic interest as something that trans people should be grateful for. Trans people have the right to want or seek out specific things in their romantic relationships. If that doesn’t include you, that’s something they have a right to. Reacting to rejection by implying that trans people should be grateful for any interested in us isn’t fair. It’s manipulative and  transphobic.

4: Remember that trans people are individuals

While trans people have different experiences to cis people, we aren’t a monolith. We all have interests and hobbies and personalities outside of being trans. Being compatible with one trans person in the past doesn’t mean you’re going to be compatible with us all. Dropping that you’ve had a trans ex — even if you mean it to say you’re trans friendly — doesn’t do anything to dispel the impression that you think this is the case. That’s not to say to not to mention that you’re trans friendly, especially given the prevalence of people who don’t read profiles, but framing it as “I’ve dated a trans person before” isn’t the best way to do that.

Treat trans individuals as individuals, with all our personality quirks, hobbies, and interests included in that. Does their profile mention liking Game of Thrones, or football, or anything else? Great! Talk to them about that, and not about being trans.

All images courtesy of the Gender Spectrum Collection