The first time my former therapist mentioned setting boundaries, I had no idea what she was talking about. That’s how loose my boundaries were. A sensitive soul, albeit wrapped loosely in a prickly package — I often gave the people in my life (both known and new) the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be able to see the good in everyone.

In one sense, that sort of empathy is valuable, but in another, it can welcome people into your life who mean to or try to take advantage of that very kindness. It can also steer you towards a path of ignorance as to what you need and want from the relationships in your life and with yourself.

So, what is one of the most effective ways to prevent this from happening over and over again? Setting clear and firm boundaries.

That can be easier said than done. Patterns are difficult to break because they’ve been ingrained into your routine for quite some time. For some people, that might mean for as long as they can remember.

It’s ok to set boundaries. It’s ok to let go of relationships that don’t serve you, that might even be hurting you. And it’s ok to start somewhere.

Setting Boundaries in a New Relationship

Dating is hard enough. But once you become one of those lucky little leprechauns who’s found a relationship at the end of the rainbow, you’ll still have to do the hard work of nourishing it.

When you first start dating, you’re in the honeymoon period of near-constant sex (if you’re into that) and an abundance of cuddles. The main things you notice are the little things that are specific and adorable about this person (or maybe this is only my Pisces Venus — jury’s still out!). But as you grow closer, you’ll inevitably see parts of them you don’t like.

Red flags appear at the beginnings of relationships, some of which we choose to ignore. But red flags are red for a reason. The more abundant the flags, the worse the outcome likely is. Red flags for boundary setting will be more apparent if you know what you’re looking for.

A healthy relationship will welcome honesty and communication about each others’ boundaries. If you don’t feel like your partner is respecting those boundaries, then it’s probably time to part ways. If your new partner is responsive and communicative about both their boundaries and yours, then you’ve got something really good going.

Some red flags that mean that a new partner at the very least doesn’t respect your boundaries:

1. Showing up uninvited to events (just because you’re there) 
2. Going through your phone or emails without your permission
3. Refusing to discuss boundaries
4. Dismissing what you identify as crossing a line 
5. Making you feel at fault for most things that go wrong 
6. Justifying bad behavior with unrelated factors 

Setting Boundaries in an Existing Relationship

It can initially seem daunting to examine what you need in your relationships and how to keep them healthy in the long run. It’s even more daunting to have to examine relationships you’ve had for a long time and re-evaluate how they function (and if they do).

Setting boundaries in an existing relationship can be especially difficult because you’re changing the dynamic. If you and your partner have newly begun counseling, if you and your partner just want to check in with each other, or if setting boundaries means that your relationship can continue better than ever before, then by all means, set those boundaries!

Some tools you can use to help you set boundaries in an existing relationship are:

1. Be direct about what you need and what has been bothering you. 
2. Gain self-awareness by speaking to a therapist about triggers, self-worth, and agency. 
3. Use “I” statements so you won’t make your partner feel like they are the sole problem, but rather, that there can be a solution based on what you’ve discovered about yourself. 

Don’t Let Anyone Tell You that Your Boundaries are a Problem

In some scenarios, boundaries can be too rigid or specific, or could potentially be a backward example of manipulation. Boundaries should never be absolute. For the most part though, those who’ve learned the language of boundaries are most likely doing so for the good of their mental health.

If someone around you is newly setting boundaries, don’t be suspicious of them — be supportive. It can be a difficult process that those who are beginning it already think no one will respect. Don’t give them a reason to think that is true. Talk to them about what they need.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re blacklisting people from your life. It’s actually the opposite. You’re ensuring that you get the proper self-care you need while allowing others to understand what constitutes a healthy and supportive relationship.

By setting boundaries, you can actually proceed in a relationship that could have been causing anxiety, stress, or even anguish. And you shouldn’t have to live like that. Your boundaries are yours to have.