Content Warning: trauma, sexual assault, recovery

The numbers don’t lie. Sexual violence is an all too common occurrence in our culture and although some demographics are at higher risk, no one is exempt from it. According to the RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) website, a sexual assault is perpetrated every 73 seconds within the adult population of the US. This means that most people you and I know, have been sexually assaulted.

If you are among the survivors, you know how challenging and negatively impactful sexual assault is. If you know someone who has experienced it, you may have a sense of how destructive such trauma can be and how long and personal the healing and recovery process is.

I’m a survivor.

I don’t mind sharing that information these days, but for a very long time, I couldn’t utter the words. I was ashamed, afraid of what it meant about me, how it would color people’s views on me. And I feared losing people I loved if I told them what happened to me. Eventually I told someone, and I got support through therapy and began to make some headway in my recovery. It was a long, hard process, and it’s still not over; it may never be over.

Along the way I have made careful decisions about who, and how, I share this particular history. But early on I promised myself that I would try my best to always be transparent with my partners, new and existing. At first I felt compelled because I felt that I owed them the truth, that they had a right to know. With some guidance from my therapist I learned that I don’t owe anyone that story, because it is mine and mine alone, and I can share it on my terms. Your story is your own and sharing it is your choice.

If you are thinking about sharing your survival story with a new partner, here are some suggestions and considerations I have gleaned from my therapist and learned along the way. These may not be perfect suggestions or solutions for you, and that’s okay, but at the very least you deserve to have these conversations on your terms and to leave them feeling empowered.

You don’t have to share everything…or anything

To reiterate, you don’t have to disclose your trauma history to anyone. And if you do, you are in control of what you share and what you don’t. Nagging, feeling guilty, or feeling pushed is not behavior you have to tolerate.

Prepare for the conversation

It can be easy to become concerned about the feelings of the person you are sharing with because it can be hard to share and hard to hear. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their comfort or their response.Sometimes people respond very strongly when confronted with the fact that someone they care about (you!) has been harmed. It is okay to ask them to temper their response if it upsets or triggers you.

Thinking through some ways to acknowledge their discomfort without giving up your own helps. Phrases like, “I understand why you are upset. Do you need a few minutes to cool down before we continue?” or “Please let me get through what I want to share, and then we can talk through it together” help both of you stay on track and get through the information without the inevitable emotions interfering. Again, it’s not your responsibility, just a consideration and may make it easier for you.

Use your resources

Preparation for a conversation of this gravity can include others in your life whom you trust. Talking things through ahead of time with a therapist, friend or mentor who is in the know can help you get your thoughts in order and also provides you a sounding board and safe space after the conversation occurs.

Take your time

You are under no obligation to have a succinct, palatable version of events to share. It can be messy; you can be messy. Cry or rage or sit in silence. You can adjourn the conversation and start again another time if it’s too much.

Ask them to hold their questions

Sharing an impactful and traumatic experience is challenging and requires courage and strength. If being asked clarifying questions is too much, that’s totally valid. It can be hard enough to get the information out once, let alone rehashing it as you field someone’s questions. It’s not your job to educate them on the nuances of the situation, in the moment, if that’s not feasible for you.

You deserve acceptance

The sad truth is that some people may respond poorly. Some will be at a loss of words, and some will hi-jack the conversation to soothe their own feelings. Their responses are not your responsibility, and you deserve understanding and safe acceptance. If someone responds to your story in a way that hurts or upsets you, give yourself permission to take some space and evaluate those feelings. It may not be a make or break thing, but it’s totally valid to feel disappointed by how someone reacts to your personal truth.

Expressing big feelings like pain, anger, grief, fear, and all the other emotions that can come with the survivorship of sexual trauma is hard work. It’s tough, but ultimately, it can go a long way towards gaining the sense of freedom and progress that recovery can give you. Choosing who you tell and how and when you share it is entirely up to you. You are in control of this conversation, and no one can take that away from you.