Content warning: This article discusses different types of toxic relationships including physical and emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, and leaving dangerous relationships. 

It isn’t always the obvious womanizer at the bar; it can be the sweet cashier from your local cafe or even friends. Toxic relationships can be made up of good people with bad habits. So how do we know when someone is being toxic when love has truly blinded us from the warnings? Being in abusive relationships, whether physical or emotional, can make us question our own worth and can lead to dangerous situations. It takes time to first recognize the signs and even more time to leave. Dropping this relationship can be extremely stressful, but if you’re questioning your relationships, it may be time to do some research.

Early Signs

If you’re at the beginning of a relationship already feeling off from your new partner, there are certainly some signs that can give you an answer to your question. It’s hard to tell the difference between annoying habits to serious problems when you first meet. Things like a messy apartment aren’t necessarily a toxic trait unless used against you. But of course, manipulation starts off just as slow and sweet, almost unrecognizable, making it complicated for the signs to be seen.

Here are common early signs to look out for:

Lying: Finding your partner(s) in multiple lies. It’s a tactic to keep the victim confused about what is really going on.

Ownership: When you begin to find yourself having to constantly ask for permission.

Push/Pull: When your partner(s) gives their full attention to lure you in, then leaves you cold, forcing you to question yourself and everything else.

Start-over: The constant break-up then make-up we all know very well. Finding yourself always forgiving their mistakes?

These small tactics create an “Oops!” effect and can be easily forgiven. If these signs are apparent then it’s time to have the conversation: Is this relationship(s) something that I need?

Psychological Manipulation

Psychological/emotional manipulation is a type of social influence with a goal to shift the perception or behavior of others through dishonest tactics. This enters a relationship once trust and comfort have settled giving the manipulator freedom to experiment.

Different methods of psychological/emotional manipulation include:

• The Victim: Always finds a way of becoming the victim no matter the circumstance.
• The One-Upsman: Will always have something negative to say about your accomplishments, belittling your achievements.
• Powerful Dependents: Giving an image of being weak and depending on your help to get anything done.
• Blasters: Constantly blowing up on you, placing pressure on you to keep quiet in case of another showdown.
• Projectors: Puts themselves on a higher pedestal than others, believing they are above the rest.
• Fake Ignorance: Someone who acts like they don’t understand your wants/needs, making you have to take care of everything.
• Emotional Blackmail: Uses self-harm against you, forcing you to stay with them for their safety.

What to Do When the Signs Are There

In the case where communication has failed to improve anything, there is a way of leaving without allowing the manipulation to further itself. Although there are now psychological factors in place, there is something you must trust and that’s yourself. Your partner may have guilted you into believing you have caused the problem, forcing you to stay to “Clean up your mess,” but is this the truth?

No matter whose fault it was, will staying change the level of toxicity? Yes, it’s hard to leave when you’ve put your time and energy into these relationships, but a forced relationship can do real damage. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever. We often confuse temporary relationships for lasting ones. You can’t force something to work, of course. Relationships take effort but if all you’re doing in the relationship is trying to make it work, when does love have time to join?

What If It’s Dangerous to Leave?

If this is the case, it’s important to be as careful as possible with exiting these relationships. There are many factors in these situations and they can be extremely overwhelming. How do we handle the pressure to end it? It isn’t always the safest route to leave an abusive situation right at the moment. The sad reality is that these aggressors are unpredictable and can cause harm that our loved ones may not realize. You need a safe exit plan set to get out. This can take at least a few days (or longer) to get ready.

• Notify a trusted person, friends, or family. Let at least one person in on your plan so in case of an emergency, there is someone you can contact.
• Come up with a secret code word to this trusted person to text in case of an emergency. One your abusers won’t question or catch on to.
• Make plans to be in public when meeting with your aggressor. They will be less likely to attack, creating a safer place for you.
• If you must hide away for some time, DO NOT stay at your mother’s home or a friend they know. They will search for you in the places they remember. You want to make sure you have somewhere else to crash for some time.
• There are also shelters for very serious cases you can contact and they will help you through this time.

What If I See Myself in the Warning Signs?

There is a responsibility into researching for toxicity, and at times we can see ourselves in those same mistakes. It’s important to hold everyone accountable, even when it’s you. We don’t normalize toxicity by recognizing our own, but we are acknowledging how easy it is to become manipulative. We’re all still learning and admitting our faults is apart of that. Live and we learn, right? Well, it’s time to learn.

If you’re in a toxic, dangerous, abusive relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) can help. Contact them at their website (thehotline.org) or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). For people who are deaf or who are hard of hearing, call 1-855-812-1011 (VP) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).