There’s something I’ve heard again and again which leaves me scratching my head in confusion. “There are no polyamory problems. Any polyamory problem is simply a relationship problem and can apply equally in monogamy.” While I can understand the thinking behind this – there are a lot of problems that can manifest in any relationship style, such as miscommunication or lying – I simply do not believe it is true.

Here are five problems which can emerge in polyamory which cannot manifest in the same way in monogamy. I’ve also included some thoughts on potential ways to mitigate, or at least navigate, them.

Supporting your partner through a break-up

Of course, supporting and being supported by your partner in difficult times is – hopefully! – a part of any intimate relationship. However, break-ups bring their own unique kind of pain and grieving process. The first time you support your partner through a break up, or are supported through your own break up by another romantic partner, is a seriously weird experience. Of course, it is wonderful to have the additional support network, but it can be complicated too. If you’re the person going through the break-up, it can be hard to be present in the relationships you’re still in while you’re mired in grief about the lost relationship. And when your partner is grieving a break-up, it can be hard not to feel neglected or forgotten about.

What to do:

If you’re supporting your partner through a break up, whatever you do, DON’T say “It’s not so bad, you still have other partners!” Be there for them. Offer them cuddles, a shoulder to cry on, and plenty of reassurance about all the ways in which they’re wonderful, hot and lovable. You should also maintain your own boundaries and not allow yourself to become burned out through too much helping.

If you’re the person who has been broken up with, accept the love and support your remaining partners give you and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. But at the same time, don’t use them as unpaid therapists. Don’t make every conversation about your break-up, and remember to make plenty of time to be present and loving with your remaining partner(s).

When someone dies

Believe me when I tell you, there is simply no script for this. There is nothing in any of the books that prepares you for that moment when one of your partners, or one of your metamours*, dies. Polyamory makes this so much more complicated. Who will handle the estate? What if there were no clear wishes laid out? Who should be informed? Who will be present at, or acknowledged at, the funeral? What if the deceased’s family did not know about their relationship style? It goes on. Death is complicated and messy. Death in a non-traditional structure can be even more so.

*Metamour = your partner’s other partner with whom you are not romantically or sexually involved. I.E. if I am dating Adam and Adam is dating Bob, then Bob is my metamour.

What to do:

Accept that grief is weird, non-linear and doesn’t always make sense or follow a script. Be prepared for anger, uncontrollable crying, numbness. If you’re the person grieving, give yourself plenty of time and permission to feel all your feelings. If your partner is grieving, do the same for them. Recognize there is nothing you can say that will take the pain away or make it better. But being there to hold them up, support them and remind them they’re not alone matters more than you know. Reach out to any and all available support structures, including friends, family, community and professional grief counsellors.

And whatever you do, even if you’re young, get your affairs in order and make a will so your loved ones know what your wishes are if something happens to you.

When your friends and family blame your relationship structure for all your problems

There’s nothing more disheartening than trying to talk to a friend or family member about your relationship issues, only for them to respond “Well if you’d just be monogamous, it’d all be fine!” Because monogamous relationships never have problems, of course! Almost every polyamorous person I know has had this issue at some point, and it can make you feel unheard, dismissed, and alienated from your family and friends.

What to do:

Get yourself a polyamorous support network ASAP! Go to meet-ups, or join an online group if there is no meet-up in your area. Reach out to polyamorous people on social media. If you possibly can, find a poly-friendly therapist. I believe that polyamorous friends and community are pretty much essential ingredients in making this lovestyle work long-term.

Metamour conflict or abuse

People liken metamour relationships to relationships between a person’s different close friends. But I believe that the romantic and sexual elements of polyamorous relationships bring additional complications. There will almost inevitably be conflict between metamours at some point, unless they never interact at all – even if the dynamic is usually amicable.

In most healthy relationships, these conflicts can hopefully be resolved with a healthy dose of communication and everyone behaving like adults. Unfortunately, at the worst end of the spectrum, metamour relationships can be abusive or contain abusive elements. A good example is the former metamour who treated me as an unpaid housekeeper “in return” for allowing me to sleep with her husband… and then threatened to veto me out of his life if I didn’t do what she wanted.

What to do:

Remember your metamours are people! And they’re people who care about someone you care about. If nothing else, you have that in common. If you possibly can, establish a line of direct communication with your metamour so everything isn’t going through your shared partner. You don’t have to be best friends (though this is amazing when it happens) but you should be able to communicate enough to resolve any issues or conflict.

If there is abuse or you feel that your metamour may be behaving abusively towards you, first you need to communicate with your shared partner and clue them in on what is happening. Next, set some very firm boundaries. This may include not being in the same space as them or taking plenty of breaks if you do have to be. It may also include ending the relationship with your shared partner if they continue to see this person. You NEVER have to tolerate abuse – not even if your partner really, really likes that person.

When your partner chooses their other partner over you

I know what you’re going to say. This happens in monogamy all the time! People leave partners for new people all the time! Yes, that’s true. However, I believe it is a very different dynamic when you were aware of and consenting to your partner’s new relationship… and then they betray you by replacing you with the other person. This could take the form of deciding to be monogamous with the new person, or – as happened to me – deciding that they want the new person to be their Primary partner, effectively offering you the choice of “accept demotion to casual partner or leave.”

What to do:

Don’t do this to people! It’s horrible! It betrays not only your relationship but the fundamental ideology of consensual non-monogamy, which states that people are not replaceable commodities. If you want to end a relationship, you always have the right to do so – but ensure it is because you really no longer love the person, rather than because a New Shiny has come into the picture and you’re drunk on New Relationship Energy.

If this happens to you: first of all, I am so sorry. Second, allow yourself to feel your feelings – get angry, yell, cry, punch things (pillows, not people, y’all!) Get plenty of distance from your former partner and their new squeeze. Ask for support from your other partners, if you have them. And get yourself to a poly-friendly therapist pronto.

What are some unique polyamory problems you’ve encountered? Tweet us @TheBigFling or comment below to tell us about them – we may run a part two to this piece at some point.