Content warning: While no mentions of specific forms of abused are detailed in this piece, please take care of
yourself as the entire piece focuses on abuse, in general.

It’s uncomfortable to talk about abuse. I understand that. None of us want to think about it. We don’t want to
acknowledge that it happens in our communities, that it could happen to us, to our partners, to our friends.

In a movement which has been dubbed “polyamory’s #MeToo moment,” self-proclaimed polyamory expert Franklin Veaux has been
outed as an abuser by a significant number of his ex-partners.  Veaux is far from the only example. We like to think
that our polyamorous, kinky, queer or other alternative sexuality communities are utopias, free from abuse and harm. But
sadly this is far from true. Our communities are made up of human beings, and sometimes human beings deeply harm each
other.

What is abuse?

Abuse takes many
forms. It can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, identity-based, or any
combination.  Broadly, abuse is about power and control. It’s about eroding someone’s sense of self and feeling of
safety, to allow the abuser to gain greater control over their victim. Anyone, of any gender or sexuality, can be
abused. And anyone can be an abusive.

How is abuse in polyamory different?

Abuse in any relationship is a horrendous thing. No one ever deserves to be abused, and we all deserve to feel safe in
our intimate relationships. However, there are a few specific concerns that manifest differently within non-monogamous relationships.

Because more people are involved, interpersonal and group dynamics become inherently more complicated. This muddies the
waters when talking about the already loaded and complicated issue of abuse. What if my metamour says my partner abused them, but they’re a total sweetheart
to me? What if I see my partner being abused by one of their other partners? Can metamours abuse each other? And so on
and so on. This topic is too big and too messy to thoroughly tackle in a single article, but let’s unpack some of these
issues and questions.

Is polyamory inherently abusive?

Absolutely not. I have heard this argument many times, usually in the guise of “No woman could EVER really be okay with
her partner sleeping with other people, therefore polyamory is inherently abusive.” This is nonsense. No relationship
dynamic – monogamous or open or poly, kinky or vanilla, same-sex or different-sex – is inherently good or inherently
bad. Relationships are made up of people, and those people can behave in healthy or unhealthy ways, can treat each other
well or treat each other poorly. Polyamory is no more abusive-by-default than monogamy is.

I think my partner is being abused by one of their other partners

It’s horrible and painful to watch someone you love being hurt – especially if the person hurting them is  someone who
is supposed to love them. The advice here is much the same as the advice I would give if you suspected (or knew) your
friend was being abused.

Firstly, love them. Be there for them. Listen to them when they talk about what’s going on, and ask open-ended
questions. Please resist the temptation to judge, demand, or offer ultimatums. You might think that “if you don’t leave
them then I’ll leave you” is a great way to get your partner to ditch their abuser, but this is just as likely to
backfire and could push them away from you and closer to the abusive partner. Remember that victims of abuse have to
decide to leave in their own time.

Make resources (a place to stay, a place to leave their things, help caring for children or pets, money) available if
you can without compromising your own needs or boundaries. But do not try to force them to leave before they are ready
to. This only alienates abuse victims from their support networks.

Finally, resist the urge to get directly involved. Support your partner, but do not be tempted to approach their abuser
or contact the police, social services or any other authorities without their permission (unless you believe there is a
real and imminent risk of death or serious bodily harm.) Your role is to be a loving, supportive presence in their life,
not to play the rescuer. By intervening where they don’t want you to, you could also inadvertently put them in more
danger.

My metamour says our partner is abusing them, but they’ve never hurt me

Hearing that someone you love might be committing abuse is frightening. It can make you doubt your own reality and
perception. If your partner’s other sweetie (or ex) expresses that your partner abused them, it can
be very tempting to jump to the knee-jerk reaction of “They would never do that! He/she is obviously crazy!” I urge you
to resist this temptation.

Instead, ask questions. Talk to your metamour or former metamour if you can. Ask them open-ended questions about their
experience and really listen. Do not go in with the agenda of defending your partner or proving the allegations false –
just listen. At the same time, listen to your partner. Ask them the difficult questions and really hear their answers.
Do the things they’re saying ring true? Are they dismissive or derogatory towards their partner or ex? Do they minimize
the impact of their behaviors? If so, that’s a red flag. Or do they show empathy with their partner or ex’s experience?
Do they take ownership for the negative behaviors they perpetrated? Are they willing to examine their own actions and
ask themselves the difficult questions?

Do not try to mediate. You don’t have to play judge and jury or try to “prove” what is “objectively true.” In fact, you
really shouldn’t. Deciding whether to stay in a relationship with someone who has committed abuse, or who you suspect
has, is far from an easy decision and I’m not here to tell you what to do. Whatever choice you make is likely to be
painful to some degree and involve some compromise.

If your partner has abused someone, or you think they have, this is also a good time to re-evaluate your own
relationship. Is it as healthy as you think, or are there red flags that you’ve been choosing to ignore?

When your metamour uses you as a shield

Years ago, I told my boyfriend’s wife that he was abusing me. Her reply, which I have never forgotten, chilled me to the
bone: “Am I supposed to be surprised?”

When I decided to leave, she really fought to keep me in that relationship. She and I were never romantically or
sexually involved, but she fought to keep me harder than my boyfriend did. Looking back, I understand that this was at
least partly because I was a buffer, of sorts. He took the worst of his temper, his rages, out on me – and that meant
that less of it blew back onto her. I don’t believe she was necessarily even doing this consciously, and I certainly
don’t believe it was maliciously intended. But it was there nonetheless.

What you have to remember is that the only person you are responsible for protecting is yourself (and any children or
dependents, of course.) You are not responsible for saving your metamour from an abusive partner, and you are certainly
not responsible for doing so by becoming a human shield.

If your partner abuses both of you, or you suspect you’re being used as a protective buffer, you need to have some hard
conversations one-on-one with your metamour if possible. Tell them what you’re seeing, calmly and without judgement. Ask
them about their experience in the relationship. Express that you’re thinking of leaving, if you are, and ask if they’ve
thought about leaving. If you both want to leave, you’re in a unique position to support each other and make a safety
plan together. If they decide to stay, you do not have to sacrifice yourself for them. You are allowed to get out. You
are a human being, not someone else’s armor against an abusive partner.

Can metamours abuse each other?

The short answer is yes. Abuse within polyamorous dynamics doesn’t always come from your partner. Metamours can be very
close or have very strong influence on each other’s lives and relationships, and can definitely perpetuate abusive
behaviors. Abuse dynamics I’ve witnessed (or experienced) between metamours include pressuring for or forcing a group
sex dynamic without consent, threatening to veto somebody out of their shared partner’s life if they don’t toe the line,
and using metamours as unpaid domestic help in exchange for “allowing” the metamour to date the shared partner.

You do not have to tolerate this. Metamours may not always get along, and some conflict occasionally is more-or-less
inevitable. But tolerating abuse from your metamour is not the price of admission to dating your shared partner! Talk to
your partner about what’s happening if it’s safe to do so. And it’s okay to leave the relationship if your metamour’s
abusive behavior is making you feel unhappy or unsafe.

Groupthink, cult dynamics and more

Closely-knit polyamorous families or networks can occasionally run the risk of falling into groupthink or cult-like
dynamics. These situations, once a person becomes enmeshed, feel almost impossible to escape from.

Groupthink refers to a psychological phenomenon where group members are strongly encouraged to uncritically conform to a
particular mode of thinking and decision-making. Dissent is discouraged or even punished. This plays out in polyamorous
relationships through punishment or pushing out people for feeling “unacceptable” emotions (especially jealousy or
anger,). A member of the network may go along with group sex scenarios to which they do not consent, due to pressure to
“keep the group harmonious.”

Polyamory and other alternative sexuality spaces are also vulnerable to falling prey to other cult-like tactics. This is
especially true with a powerful or charismatic leader. For example, a public figure or educator who espouses “the
correct way to do things,” or the patriarch of a large poly network. This type of dynamic seems particularly common in
poly families with a male-Dominance element, and in “One Penis Policy” or harem situations.

As Dr Elisabeth Sheff wrote for Psychology Today, “Keeping tight control
of a closed system is one of the ways in which abusers control their victims.” Unscrupulous people with a strong desire
for excessive power and control can create exactly this type of closed system in polyamory.

These are far from the only considerations when it comes to abuse in polyamorous relationships. They are, however, some
of the most common. Many of them I have encountered again and again and again. Just as everywhere else, abuse is
shockingly common within alternative sexuality and relationship spaces.

Remember: no-one deserves abuse. If you think you might be, please start thinking about a way to get yourself to safety.
For more help, start with a web search for “domestic abuse help + [your city]”. You’re not alone and you deserve to be
safe.

In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. Go to thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233. In the UK, visit the
National Domestic Violence Helpline at nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk.