Have you never felt monogamy was for you? Were you dimly aware of swinger parties from the ‘70s and always thought those folks were on to something? Or perhaps you’ve just heard the word “polyamory” for the first time and had a lightbulb moment. Whatever your story, if you’re reading this I’m going to assume that you are intrigued by the possibility of opening up your relationship, but unsure how to talk to your partner about it.

First, do your research

“Ask five non-monogamous people what an open relationship means to them,” the joke goes, “and you’ll get at least ten different answers.” The phrase “open relationship” means different things to different people. What does it mean to you?

A quick rundown of some of your options:

• Hierarchical polyamory, where you have multiple loving and committed relationships but one is considered primary and prioritized above others.
• Non-hierarchical polyamory, as above but without one relationship taking precedent.
• Polyfidelity, a group of people in a closed relationship – such as a triad or quad.
• Swinging, which involves purely sexual connections with other people – usually together – but reserves emotional intimacy for your main relationship.
• Partnered non-monogamy, like swinging but your outside erotic adventures are done separately.
• Monogamish, where you generally consider yourselves monogamous but occasionally go outside your main relationship for sexual experiences, either separately or together.
• Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, where you can each do what you like with other people (within agreed parameters) but don’t disclose the details to each other.

I don’t necessarily advocate or recommend any particular approach over another. I’m personally not a fan of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and in my experience polyfidelity is extremely hard to make work. But I know people who have made both work very well over many years. You do you! But you need to get really clear what you’re asking for before you approach your partner, and you need to be prepared to negotiate the specifics.

Starting the conversation

Choose your moment wisely. You need to be alone together, have plenty of time to talk, and be in a generally good place in your relationship. Raising non-monogamy for the first time after (or during!) a fight, while trying to get the kids to sleep, or as you leave for a business trip is unlikely to go over well.

Approach the conversation with an open mind. Don’t assume you know what your partner is going to say. Be ready for them to surprise you!

It is ideal if possible (and it won’t always be possible) to discuss non-monogamy as an abstract concept.  That is, when there is not one specific person you’re desperate to jump into bed with right now. Presenting your partner with a concept to discuss is more likely to yield positive results than presenting your partner with “I wanna have sex with this person now please!”

Please manage your expectations. Your goal is to have an honest conversation and work out possible ways to proceed that will make you both happy. Your goal is NOT to have carte blanche permission to sleep with that cutie in the next office after a single conversation.

I learned this from the Multiamory podcast, and it’s so useful: remember to HALT! That is, if  you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, postpone this or any other emotionally fraught conversation for another time.

That’s all well and good, but what the hell do I actually say?

You could go for the blunt option. “Honey, I want an open relationship” is a perfectly valid sentence. But you’re probably better easing into it with a softer approach.

Try these possible conversation openers:

• “Have you heard there’s a new swingers’ club opening in [place]?”
• “I watched this Netflix show about three people in a relationship together. It was really eye-opening!” (Note: it’s called You Me Her and it’s terrible.)
• “Even though we’re really committed to each other, do you ever find yourself still attracted to other people?” (Make it clear you won’t be angry or hurt if they say yes!)

Then proceed according to their response. Say that you’ve been thinking about the idea of an open relationship and are intrigued by it. Ask if they’ve ever thought about it. Talk about how it might look – which form of relationship speaks to you the most?

Be prepared for a less than great reaction

Lots of people initially react badly to the idea of non-monogamy. Be prepared for your partner to get defensive or upset. Be prepared to give them bags of reassurance and explain that this doesn’t imply anything about their worth to you. Do more listening than talking, ask open questions, and respond non-judgementally.

Remember: you’ve been thinking about this for weeks or months.  They’ve been thinking about it for ten minutes.

What happens if they say no?

They might, and you need to be prepared for that. You also need to accept their answer graciously. This is the first conversation and it should not be the last, regardless of the answer! Many people – myself included! – initially balk at non-monogamy but come around to the idea at a later date.

If you simply cannot live in a monogamous relationship, you have some difficult choices to make. Make them without guilt-trips, blame or ultimatums. Don’t make any decisions in a hurry that you may regret later. It’s okay to decide you need to prioritize exploring non-monogamy over keeping your existing relationship. It’s never okay to use the relationship as collateral to make your partner do what you want.

They said yes! Or they’re at least tentatively interested! Now what?

Now you talk and you never stop talking.

You also Slow. The. Hell. Down.

Seriously. I know you’re desperate to dive right in, but this transition will take time and rushing it will harm your relationship.

Communicate extensively. Talk early and often. Reach out to other non-monogamous people,  online or through a local group. Ask questions. Learn. Read.

And go buy a copy of The Ethical Slut.