There are a lot of fantastic people doing amazing work in the world of polyamory, swinging and consensual non-monogamy. I’ve been lucky enough to interview a number of them over the years. However, when I agreed with my editor that the next piece for this column was going to be an interview, there was one person who immediately leapt to mind.

Kevin Patterson has been on my radar for some time as a writer, educator, speaker and generally awesome human. Among other things, he curates Poly Role Models, a wonderful and diverse resource of interviews with polyamorous folks from all walks of life. He also occasionally appears as a guest co-host of Polyamory Weekly podcast, and has spoken on topics including race and polyamory, toxic masculinity, and sex-positive parenting at events such as the Playground Conference and Atlanta Poly Weekend. His book Love’s Not Colour Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities (Thorntree Press, 2018) is a powerful and unflinching look at the unique issues faced by people of color in the – often overwhelmingly white – world of consensual non-monogamy.

Kevin and his wife Antoinette were interviewed for a 2017 article in the New York Times, annoyingly titled “Is An Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?” (Spoiler – it is for those of us who are non-monogamously inclined, but not for everyone!) However, the writer of that piece did not do their experience justice at all, and Kevin and Antoinette set the record straight a short while later in a guest article for HuffPost, “The Times Piece About Open Marriage Doesn’t Represent My Experience.”

I was delighted when Kevin agreed to speak to me about this work and answer a few questions for us all.

Amy: Could you tell us a few words you use to describe yourself?

Kevin: I’d go with the words my wife uses to describe me: annoyingly chill and painfully uncomplicated.

Amy: Goodness, I envy that – I’m the least chill person on the face of the earth! Please could you tell us, in brief, your polyamory origin story?

Kevin: Back in the summer of 2002, I went on road trip with a group of friends included my now-wife. Somewhere along the line, my wife and I stumbled into a threesome with another of our friends. It gave us a reason to question the importance of exclusivity in our relationship. We just decided to leave it behind.

Amy: Do you mind telling us a bit about what your relationship structure currently looks like?

Kevin: Currently, I’m dating a lot of people. I don’t put any real structure on any of it. I just sort of allow each relationship to define itself and I’m pretty happy in all of them.

Amy: What made you want to start Poly Role Models?

Kevin: Polyamory doesn’t always get the best representation. I wanted to create a platform to show it off as diverse and inclusive as it really is. A “For Us, By Us” kind of resource.

Amy: It’s a brilliant resource! What I love about PRM is the way you don’t show only the perfect, the shiny, the “happy poly public face” – you show people being themselves, including their struggles and difficulties. Why do you think that’s so important?

Kevin: I feel that the happy poly moments are important. But some of that reads as respectability politics to me. I want incoming and questioning polyamorous folks to be able to see that they can be flawed but still successful. It’s not all gonna be happy.

Amy: That’s true. The pressure to be the Perfect Polyamorous Person is so real. When and why did you decide to write “Love’s Not Color Blind”?

Kevin: A partner of mine suggested that I start speaking in educational spaces about race and polyamory, since I did it a lot privately already. The speaking engagements went so well that it was suggested that I expand on the topics in a book.

Amy: So, who should read your book?

Kevin: Everyone! The book uses polyamory as its focus but there’s information about racial dynamics that are universal. Everyone can get something out of it. Knowledge, tools, validation, catharsis. There’s a lot happening in those pages.

Amy: I totally agree everyone should read it. What do you think are the main issues facing people of color within the consensual non-monogamy community, and what do you really wish white people could understand about your experience?

Kevin: The main issue is that people of color aren’t going to have an identical experience as white people in these communities. It’s based on all of the societal influence that we can’t really escape. Just starting with that fundamental truth, white people can seek to adjust these spaces to make them more welcoming for everyone involved.

Amy: Do you have a dream PRM guest who you haven’t yet been able to interview?

Kevin: My publisher, Eve Rickert. She’s nominated some awesome interviewees but has yet to appear on the blog herself.

Amy: Oh yes, Eve is amazing! Are you able to identify your favorite ever PRM interview so far?

Kevin: It’s not polite to choose favorites 😉

Amy: Hah, spoken like a true polyamorist! What’s the best bit of feedback you’ve had on either the site or the book?

Kevin: Every once in a while, I get a message from someone who was personally touched by my work. Either they saw an interview that confirmed their identity in polyamory or the book led organizers to change the policies in their community. Something like that. It’s the most validating feeling ever.

Amy: I ask everyone this one – what do you know about polyamory today that you wish you’d known when you started out?

Kevin: That it’s possible, customizable, and requires a lot of unpacking. When I started out, I expected it to break up the relationship I was in. But it was so interesting, I was willing to see that happen. 17 years later and we’re both still at it together.

Amy: What is the most awesome thing about polyamory?

Kevin: Each of my partners gives me an opportunity to learn more about the world and more about myself. Everything feels like a growth opportunity for me.

Amy: Oh yes, I love that. What about the most challenging thing?

Kevin: There are so many amazing people and I want to engage with them all. There just isn’t the kind of time, energy, bandwidth or resources to interact the way that I’d really want to.

Amy: Oof, yes – as we always say, “love is infinite, time is not!” Which educator, writer, speaker or other “publicly poly person” do you most admire?

That list changes for me a lot. But Dirty Lola of Sex Ed-A-Go-Go and Dr. Liz Powell of Sex-Positive Psych are always near the top. They are two of the strongest people I know.

Amy: Two of my favorites, too!

Thank you so much to Kevin for his time and agreeing to do this interview, as well as all he does for the polyamorous community. Don’t forget to grab your copy of Love’s Not Color Blind and check out Poly Role Models! You can also now get Kevin’s second book, For Hire: Operator, a novel about queer polyamorous superheroes. 

If there’s someone you’d like to see interviewed in a future column, drop us a line and let us know!