Polyamory is the desire or practice of maintaining more than one intimate, romantic relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. And it’s on the rise.

In the last two years alone, polyamory has been the subject of an extraordinarily long New York Times article, a rather ridiculous and improbable Netflix series (You Me Her), a Louis Theroux documentary (Altered States), and many more. But even so, this form of love is still widely misunderstood and often derided.

I’ve been actively practicing polyamory since I was 18. As someone who has never been in a long-term monogamous relationship, I’m sharing a few common misconceptions and busting a few myths about loving more than one.

Not all of us are into group sex (though some of us are!)

Polyamory or consensual non-monogamy is not just one big threesome, foursome or orgy! Many of us, myself included, love group sex and getting various partners together in one big bed. Many others, however, prefer their sex one-to-one and aren’t interested in group encounters at all. The only way to know what your partners prefer is to ask.

Men in particular often think that polyamory is the answer to their threesome fantasies. Not necessarily! Engineering a successful threesome requires much more than just having two partners. The details are beyond the scope of this piece. Suffice to say, if what you want is group sex specifically, you may be better off exploring swinging or casual hook-ups.

Some of us have intricate systems of rules. Others have no rules at all.

Some couples or groups will have intricate and detailed systems of rules for their relationships, which may or may not be written down. These may include rules like when and under what circumstances someone may add a new partner, how safer sex is to be practiced, or what family and friends will be told about the relationship. At the other extreme, some people practice “Relationship Anarchy,” which involves very loose or no rules at all. The majority of people likely fall somewhere in the middle.

Rates of STIs are actually really low amongst polyamorous people.

Despite stereotypes about “dirty sluts spreading diseases,” STI transmission is actually lower amongst polyamorous people than in the general population. This may be as a result of increased frequency of testing due to higher number of partners. It may be due to a normalization of discussing sexual health and exchanging test results prior to intimacy or decreased stigma around STIs. These communities tend to regard them as largely preventable facts of life rather than shameful secrets. Whatever the reason, ethically non-monogamous people tend do practice safer sex more stringently and more consistently than their monogamous counterpart. And much, much more than people who engage in infidelity.

A relationship hierarchy isn’t a given. But nor is it necessarily terrible.

It’s lately become very fashionable in the community to practice non-hierarchical polyamory, wherein all relationships are considered equal to each other. This often ties in to Relationship Anarchy, as it fits well with the “no rules” structure. Others, however, prefer to maintain hierarchical relationships – one relationship is “primary” (perhaps a spouse or the person you live with) while others are “secondary” or “non-primary”.

One style is not necessarily better than the other, but people tend to be very certain which they prefer. I prefer a hierarchical style where I know that I will be prioritized by my primary partner, and can also enjoy a very fulfilling relationship with my secondary partner, who also prioritized their primary first. Being a secondary in a mutually consensual and compassionate dynamic is not miserable! For lots of people, it works wonderfully.

We have widely differing approaches to casual sex.

I’m both polyamorous and a swinger. This cross-over, you might be surprised to know, is comparatively rare. Historically, polyamorists and swingers have had little time for each other. With polyamorists seeking to distance themselves from the public perception of swingers, and swingers preferring to keep sex and emotional connections separate outside of a primary relationship.

However, some polyamorous people do also swing. Some would not identify themselves as swingers, but like to have casual sex with other people either with their partner or alone. Others still want nothing to do with casual sex at all, and prefer to only engage sexually when they are in a loving relationship. Some polyamorous people even identify as asexual, and have romantic relationships with little or no sexual component at all.

Many of the pioneers of polyamory, in the early days and today, have been women.

From Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart who first coined the word “polyamory” in her 1990 essay “A Bouquet of Lovers”, to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton who wrote the pioneering book The Ethical Slut, to Cunning Minx whose “Polyamory Weekly” podcast has been running for 13 years and counting, to Ruby B Johnson who founded Poly Dallas Millenium, the first non-monogamy symposium with people of color front and center… polyamory is, and always has been, pioneered in large part by women. The myth that only men stand to gain something from consensual non-monogamy is simply untrue. Despite its problems, the movement has always stood for values of consent, personal agency, honesty, communication and equality. They definitely sound like feminist values to me.

I’d love to hear from other polyamorous people – what do you wish people understood? What myths would you be happy to never hear again?