Mention polyamory, swinging or consensual non-monogamy to someone who isn’t familiar with this particular little world, and one question is bound to arise at some point (usually between “but don’t you get jealous?” and “but which one do you REALLY love?”) That question is: “So this is something men invented and duped women into going along with, right?”

And I understand that line of thinking, in so far as it goes. Unfortunately, we still live in a culture that teaches us that men have higher sex drives than women, and that men want to sow their wild oats with as many women as they can while women all want marriage, babies and as little sex as possible. Those of us in the sex positive community know that these narratives are lies, but they’re sadly incredibly pervasive. So I understand the confusion. A system that, theoretically, allows people to have sex with lots of different partners without lying to anyone? Obviously men came up with this and forced it on women!

Only… no.

Consensual non-monogamy has been a part of the human experience quite literally forever. The anthropological theories and evidence with regards to non-monogamy in ancient history and pre-history are beyond the scope of this piece, but if you’d like to learn more I recommend the chapter on polyamory’s unwritten history in Dedeker Winston’s The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory. While I cannot tell you with any authority precisely what our ancestors were doing and why, what I do know for sure is this: the modern consensual non-monogamy movement was pioneered primarily by women, and often queer women at that.

Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart

Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart (1948 – 2014) is widely credited as having coined the term “polyamory” (from the Greek poly, meaning many, and the Latin amore, meaning love – literally “many loves”) in her 1990 essay A Bouquet of Lovers. This term grew out of an earlier term, polyfidelity (“faithful to many”) used by members of the now long-defunct Kerista commune. Incidentally, Kerista members also coined the term compersion, used by polyamorous people to mean experiencing happiness in a partner’s joy with another partner.

Zell-Ravenheart is, arguably, the single most influential figure in modern polyamory – known not only for coining the term itself, but for teaching, writing and speaking (often with her husband Oberon Zell-Ravenheart) on polyamory. Though many of the ideas in that formative essay seem dated today – “Never put energy into any Secondary relationships when there is an active conflict within the Primary” in particular is likely to raise some eyebrows – there can be no doubting the influence this piece and Zell-Ravenheart’s other works continue to have on the modern non-monogamy movement.

Dr. Deborah Anapol

One of the earliest books on polyamory was Dr Deborah Anapol’s Love Without Limits. Anapol (1951 – 2015) was a trained clinical psychologist and best known for her work in spiritual sexuality. In total she published five books about polyamory, including the updated Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits and her final book, Polyamory in the 21^st Century, as well as founding the Loving More magazine and conference. She received an award from the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Foundation for her work in affirming sexual freedom as a human right.

The Ethical Slut

In 1997 came the most well-known polyamory book of all, still sometimes jokingly called “the Bible” by people within the movement: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. Both women are speakers, writers and sex educators – and Easton is also a qualified family therapist – as well as being polyamorists, BDSM practitioners, and queer women. This book was a huge leap forward in the reclaiming of the word “slut” for people of all genders, and dismantling so much of the sex negativity and power attached to calling women sluts. Easton and Hardy posit that “sex is nice and pleasure is good for you”, and invite everyone to explore their authentic desires openly, unapologetically and, yes, ethically.

The Ethical Slut remains so wildly popular that it has outsold all Easton and Hardy’s other books put together, according to Hardy herself in her introduction to More Than Two (Rickert & Veaux, 2014). Subsequent, updated editions were released in 2009 and 2017.

These amazing women are just a few outstanding examples of many who have helped build this movement and make this community what it is today. Today, women and especially queer women continue to lead the way in building on this work, educating people about our way of life, and helping others in the community have happy, healthy non-monogamous relationships.

Polyamory in the 21st Century

Eve Rickert came to my attention when she co-wrote More Than Two with Franklin Veaux[1], and has since gone on to do so much more amazing work, particularly around tackling the subject of abuse within polyamory. The inimitable former feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino wrote my personal favorite polyamory book, Opening Up, and continues educating with her writing, podcast and speaking engagements. Cunning Minx’s Polyamory Weekly podcast has been thousands of people’s first introduction to the community for nearly a decade and a half. Dedeker Winston brought a fresh voice to the non-monogamy writing canon with the female-focussed The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory in 2017. And so many more. These names are really the tip of the iceberg.

Now this is not to imply that modern day polyamory is some kind of feminist utopia. Sadly, abuse still can and does happen – and is often covered up. The community is still shockingly white, and plays into some unfortunate heteronormative tropes (women are more or less expected to be bisexual while bi men still experience tonnes of stigma.) Many non-monogamy spaces and expectations are inaccessible to those with disabilities. This subculture exists within the context of the real world and is far, far from perfect.

But don’t tell me that polyamorous women are being duped into this lovestyle by unscrupulous men. We know what we’re doing and what we want. We will continue to lead the way.

[1] In recent months, serious allegations of abuse against Veaux have come to light, from Rickert as well as a number of other past partners. The survivors have stated that they are not asking people to boycott Veaux’s work, especially that which was co-created, but I recommend you do your research and make your own decision.