You met, you felt a spark, maybe you even fell in love. It started hot and heavy but now you’ve hit a rut, a dry patch, or maybe your appetites just don’t match up anymore. Is it over? It doesn’t have to be.

Sex is a valuable part of relationships and for many, it can be a make or break factor. We all dream of having perfect chemistry and easy-flowing sex but many things can affect the human libido and cause fluctuations in the desire for sex. Fatigue, stress, medication, natural aging and hormonal changes are common contributors to variations in sex drive. If you’re feeling sexually out of synch with your partner, don’t suffer in silence. It can be daunting to bring up issues about sex and intimacy because no one wants to hurt or be hurt, but communication is essential.

Here are 5 things to consider if your relationship is suffering from a battle of the sex drives.

Acknowledge the elephant in the room, but not while you’re in the bedroom

Like all relationship challenges, communication is key. Avoidance leads to resentment and miscommunication. It’s best to tackle the topic even if it feels awkward or you are worried about hurting or disappointing the other person. All the more reason to choose how, when and what you say, thoughtfully. Opening the floor for discussion when leading up to sex, during sex, or immediately after sex are not the best times to broach the topic. To do so runs the risk of your well-meaning communication sounding like criticism and making the conversation defensive instead of constructive.

Choose a time when you can talk without interruptions or distractions and give your full attention to each other. It may be a challenging conversation but it is a worthwhile investment in your relationship.

Speak for yourselves, not each other

Being out-of-step sexually can be very frustrating and it is easy to push blame onto your partner. Not only is this counter-productive to the issue at hand, it’s bad relationship behavior.

Avoid telling them how they feel. Even if you think you know, you don’t. Instead of saying, “You clearly don’t want to have sex with me” or “You only ever think about sex,” try phrasing it more reflectively. “I’m feeling insecure about our lack of sex lately, can we talk about that?” or “I’m overwhelmed by how different our needs are right now, I’d like to talk more about how we can get more aligned.”

Remember: a change in desire for sex is not necessarily a change in desire for the other person. You can still want and love each other even if your sexual appetites seem misaligned.

Compare priorities and make a plan

We are heavily influenced by culture and media to believe that the best, most successful relationships are the sexiest relationships. Not only is this inaccurate, it’s insulting! Your relationship is unique and special and completely yours. Forget cultural standards and the expectations! Your partner is not failing you if their libido can’t match yours. Likewise, you are not failing them for wanting more or different or less. Mismatched is mismatched; no position is better than the other and neither is to blame.

Keep in mind that sex and sexuality are ultimately very personal, even though we share so much of that part of ourselves with our partners. It’s important to remember that there is no “superior” way to be. Instead of focusing on how disparate your sexual motivation is, invest time in understanding each other’s priorities. Chances are there’s more overlap than you think, or there’s more flexibility in what can work for both of you, but you won’t know if you don’t talk about it. Once you understand each other’s point of view and what is important to each of you, you can work out a plan to support each other’s needs.

Don’t take it personally

Desire wanes sometimes, or changes focus, and that’s not necessarily indicative of a lack of love or attraction. In fact, that can be one of the hardest parts about discussing challenges with sex and intimacy: we almost always take things personally. It’s easy to attach a lot of value to sex and perceived attraction. If your partner seems to never really be in the mood, your first thought is likely to be “What’s wrong with me?” Likely nothing.

Don’t presume that you’re the problem, seek instead to understand how you can be part of the solution. There can be a lot of complicated feelings associated with a dip in desire, for both parties. Try to stay objective and not get sucked into the vortex of blame, shame and presumed fault. Ask for reassurance if you need it, and/or give it generously to your partner.

Rinse and repeat

Keep the dialogue open. This may be a conversation that you need to have more than once. In fact, that’s almost a guarantee. Check in with each other on what’s working and what needs adjusting. If the sex has fizzled, talk about how you can still remain connected and intimate without the pressure to have sex or goal oriented experiences that end in orgasm. Kissing, touching, cuddling, massage, giving each other a bath, etc. are all great ways to get some physicality and affection without pushing the envelope on sex. Consent is essential, even in the most long term and committed relationships, so make sure that you understand how each other’s boundaries may have shifted and respect the new lines that may have been drawn.

No matter the reason, if sex has become less of a priority or more of a challenge, just remember that communication goes a long way and your partner will want to help and understand your concerns and frustrations – trust that you will be able to support each other and work together to decide what that looks like. Thoughtful communication strategies and a willingness to discuss any and everything can help you work through all manner of challenges, together as a team, not as adversaries.