Over recent years, society has become more open to talking about something that was previously overly taboo – sex. From hush-hush conversations, we are less ashamed to talk about it. We are in the process of assessing and reassessing many facets of sexual intercourse. The centuries-old definition of “virginity” is heteronormative as it limits sex to strictly penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse, cancelling out other sexual experiences as sex. However, one concept we need to address is what we call “foreplay.”

Foreplay is usually defined as the sexual activities that precede intercourse. Something that you have to do before “actual sex.” In television series from the early ‘90s, foreplay is referred to as the opening act. However, there’s something problematic about thinking about it in this manner. It creates the idea that sexual intercourse is the same linear experience for everybody. That there is a “proper” order or even a script on how people should have sex, which isn’t true.

The activities usually referred to as “foreplay” include making out, nipple play, fingering, dry humping, and oral sex. Most of which are expected to lead to penetration. By labelling these acts as prerequisites for “the real thing,” we cancel out the idea that these very same activities cannot be considered “sex” for someone else. For LGBTQ+ couples and disabled couples, these activities are, in fact, sexual intercourse. There is more than one road to sexual satisfaction, and you don’t always have to remove your clothes to achieve it. Foreplay in this vein becomes heteronormative when we assume penetrative sex is “the real thing” or “the main course.”

This tells us that the idea of foreplay should be eliminated. The concept of it is exclusionary and we should start calling all sexual encounters “sex.”

Lesbians couples quickly grow tired being asked how they have sex with their partner. It does not occur to people that sex occurs unless penetration is involved. Their intimate moments are dismissed due to this segregation of sexual activities. By eliminating the concept of foreplay and acknowledging that all of it can be (and is) sex, we validate sex between people without penises.

By promoting that there isn’t a single “right” way to have sex, we take the pressure off of people who do not have penetrative sex. People with erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, or other conditions that don’t allow for penetration. We validate their experiences, too. Thanks to the messages from society, too many think themselves less of a man or woman. Discussing sex in different terms helps them know that nothing is missing from them.

More than one would think, many people do not seek penetrative sex first.

It’s not that they never want to do it, it’s just that it’s not always what they’re looking for. For them, other people’s “foreplay” is already their sex. They can orgasm and feel fully satisfied by other sexual activities already. They may choose to skip penetration altogether.

So many people feel uncomfortable about sex. There’s already so much pressure about being good in bed and performing well. This leads to people feeling like a failure if they can’t perform classic penetrative sex. It boils down to communicating with your partner about what you both want. Perhaps you’re both not that into penetration after all, and you just did what you thought the other wanted. Properly voicing your wants and concerns continues to be the best way to go.

It is important to be more inclusive with the terms we use. The word “virginity” shows how a word can have a major effect on how you think of yourself and how society views people. We may be unintentionally destructive to other people and encouraging their negative self-image. What people call foreplay are just different kinds of sex and are valid activities on their own. We shouldn’t belittle other sexual activities just because they aren’t penetration.

Photo credit to The Gender Spectrum Collection

Sex, as a term, should be all-encompassing.

It’s not going to be easy to convince everyone to dismiss the concept of foreplay. We can begin by educating ourselves and those around us like our friends and partners. It may not seem like a big deal to change our mindset that sex denotes all sexual activities, but over time it allows us much more freedom to enjoy sex without limits and pressures to conform to an old definition.