Depending on your perspective, threesomes are either the most exciting sex you can have (eventually) or a thing you tried once and would rather not do again. For the record, they don’t have to be your thing. There’s no requirement that everyone who wants to have sex is required to add a third person to the mix.

But if you want to make sure your first (or next) threesome is good for everyone, here are a few things to do.

Set Expectations Early

Saying, “Hey, wanna have a threesome?” and jumping right into bed for hours of sexy, steamy, and kinky sex might work in porn, but this ain’t porn. Even if you all know each other very well, it’s important to set expectations. No surprise grabs or unwanted touches because someone made an assumption.

Who will be involved in this threesome? What is allowed and what isn’t? How will protection be handled? Is penetration allowed and who gives and receives? What about oral sex? You don’t have to choreograph every move (unless you’re into that) but all of you need to have an idea of what to expect.

Communicate

You’ve talked through the expectations and everyone is comfortable with what will happen — and won’t happen. Great! You’re not done. Before you begin, check in again to make sure everyone understands and consents. While you’re fucking each other’s brains out, check in again.

“Do you like this?”
“Does this feel good?”
“Should I keep going?”

If it sounds like what you do or should do when you have sex with one person, you’re right. Making sure your partner is having a good time doesn’t change just because you’ve got more than one partner.

Respect Boundaries

If someone said not to touch them a certain way or that they weren’t willing to perform a specific sex act, you don’t get to insist that they do it in the middle of your threesome. You want your boundaries respected and that begins with doing it for your partners. Yes, you think a thing is hot, but they don’t. Guess what? Don’t do it!

When in doubt, ask. “Is this okay?” or “Can I touch you here?” Of course, the important thing is to listen to their answer. Believe me, there are more sexy, kinky things you can do with your partners than you can imagine. Let them show you what they like, and you might learn something new.

Pay Attention to Your Third

One common complaint in a threesome is that someone gets left out. Two of the three people are hot and heavy for each other, and the third feels like they’re on the outside looking in. It may be slightly difficult at first, but you can be a conscientious lover to both partners.

If you find that one partner was just lavished with a lot of sexy attention — a hard pounding, lots of oral sex, etc., turn to your other partner and say, “Now it’s your turn!” Make them the center of attention for a while, too. Everyone in your threesome deserves a moment where they get whatever it is that they want or need.

Give as Good as You Get

This is a lot like the last one with a key difference. Sometimes, one person in a threesome gets a lot of sexual attention. You’re the middle in a daisy chain or both partners really want to touch, rub, and suck you. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as all of you are satisfied.

But at some point, make the offer to return the favor. What you do will be different based on their preferences and boundaries. Your partners might even tell you that they want you to get the attention. Cool. But always offer anyway. Our partners want to know they’re cared about and that we want their sexual satisfaction as much as we want our own.

Even if you follow every tip, there’s no guarantee every threesome you have will be amazing. Sometimes people seem compatible until your clothes come off, and you realize the chemistry just isn’t there. But if you do these things, even the worst threesome can end on better terms. When you take care of each other — before, during, and after — your chances of having a repeat go up dramatically.