Sex can be messy. The first time I had penetrative sex there was lube everywhere, a little bit of shit smeared on sex toys, and I threw up moments after the penetrating penis had been undocked.

Of course, I’m not quite telling you the whole story here.

Firstly, this wasn’t the first time I had sex. Oral and fingering are just as much sex to me as dick-in-hole, penis-in-vagina sex. I’d slept with this partner before. This was just the first time there had been anything more than a lubed up finger working inside. Secondly, I wasn’t the one the one who was being penetrated.

No PIV Sex Here

In fact, I’ve never been penetrated during sex. I have vaginismus, defined as the involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina. The tight muscle contraction makes sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration painful or impossible.

This puts penis-in-vagina (or PIV) sex completely off the table, no matter how much my body craves it when I have my period. I’m also not at the point in my butt-plug training where I can think about having anal sex as the receiving or ‘bottoming’ partner. I’m still playing around with butt plugs and my powerful wand vibrator, but it’s going to be a while until I can have butt-sex with a partner.

However, because these two common items on the sexual menu are off the table for me, I am forced (or, more accurately, delighted) to contemplate the other options at the buffet of sexual experiences. Penetrative sex is still part of my adventures in sex and kink, I’m just not the one getting penetrated. I absolutely love using dildos as part of sex with partners.

Messy Strap-On Sex

This leads us to the story of the cute boy, my first strap-on, and very messy sex.

It began as a joke – because, to be honest, I hadn’t ordered the beginner’s strap-on set until after I asked him how he’d feel about me bringing it with me. His reaction was overwhelmingly positive, so I ordered it and went to visit him with two dildos and a brand-new strap-on in my rucksack. I was hyper-aware of the sex toys and what we were planning to do with them.

I hadn’t really done any research about anally topping guys. I don’t think extensive research is necessary, exactly, but both of us were a little nervous. And I’m not going to lie, the first time I pegged him – the term for the sexual practice where a woman performs anal sex on a man by penetrating the man’s ass with a strap-on dildo – was extremely awkward.

Why? Well, finding the right angle was hard with our difference in height, and using a dildo to penetrate someone means that you don’t feel anything. There’s no feedback from your nerves as there would be if you had a biologically-installed penis. We needed lots of communication and even more lube to get me inside him. And that was after the lesson on how to correctly put a condom onto the silicone penis I had strapped to my crotch.

He didn’t come. I wanted to make the experience a brilliant one for him, because he trusted me to anally top him, but he didn’t have an orgasm the first time we had strap-on sex together. And, as I said at the start of this article, I threw up just after I pulled the dildo out of his ass. Luckily, because I mentioned that I felt like I was about to black-out while inside him, I made it to his bathroom. It was messy and awkward and very much a learning experience for both of us.

Get Messy, Laugh, and You’ll Be Fine

However, I am happy to offer the following advice: If you’re prepared to get a little messy and laugh with your partner (or partners), your sex is probably going to be just fine. One of the hottest moments I’ve ever had was during sex with him that night – watching ourselves in the mirror by his bed as he twisted around to kiss me while I was inside him. It was brilliant.

It wasn’t glamorous – it was a long way from glamorous – but it cemented my love for wielding a strap-on dildo. I find it hot, and also incredibly empowering: having strap-on sex as a top means I can reclaim something about my own body that scares me. My vagina, and the pain that any attempt at penetrative sex causes me, makes me feel disconnected from my own body. It does make me explore other ways to have sex – ways that aren’t based around the heteronormative ‘main course’ of PIV.

These definitely include messy sex and penetrating cute humans with dildos.

If you want to explore strap-on sex yourselves, please remember to use body-safe sex toys and lots of lube. If you’re using a dildo for pegging or butt sex, you probably need even more lube, and toys with flared bases so they’re safe for anal play.