When I decided to post sexy pictures on my blog five years ago and change my online presence from an alias to the real me, I had visions the decision would bring a feeling of balance. I had been in an open relationship for almost four years prior to this. Naively I believed that I could unite openness in all the facets of my life.

I imagined a point in time where my blog, my lifestyle, and my social interactions would grow ripe with constructive discourse. People would engage in thoughtful dialect for hours and hours. The old adage of the “truth will set you free” mentality drove me. I pursued authenticity in a place I imagined would be excited to embrace a bold, judgement-free, nudity positive individual.

The reality of this change was something I was not prepared for. I never imagined that people would criticize, shame, or judge a person for showing a more complete side of themselves.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Image credit: Gender Spectrum Collection

The very first time I posted a sexy image on my blog, a handful of people immediately blocked and unfollowed me. In that same moment, the views to my content skyrocketed. I rationalized that if the same trend continued with my next image, I would continue to do so, despite the passive aggressive pushback.

At the time I was only posting my blog to Facebook and a few e-mail followers. As a result of sharing my journey with people I actually knew, I had many an awkward conversation over beer. My friends and family seemed curious, but couldn’t quite figure out how to start the conversation. Once it began though, one drink would turn into two or three, and my voice would be raspy from the barrage of questions that arose.

After a few months of this, my confidence increased, and I posted more risqué photos, blogging on more sexual topics, and broadening my social media audience. Taking the plunge from posting sex related content to an audience that interacts with you in person, to a bunch of strangers was something I should not have done lightly. I never imagined that opening my blog up would bring people who refused to treat me like a human, sex positive individual. It damaged my self esteem in ways I could not foresee.

Yes, of course there were positive aspects, which is why I am still here, but there were dick pictures, crude commentary, and name calling the likes of which I wouldn’t have dreamed of to some of my worst enemies. When I put myself out to a bunch of strangers, it was as if I had personally attacked some of them.

Testing a Theory

I wondered how people could be this afraid of nudity and questioned if being a female writer with a strong voice, in conjunction with sexy images was too much for some people to bear. So I tested this theory. I put one post up that was simply a sexy image, with zero written context, and shared it on Twitter and Reddit.

Of all my posts up to this point, it was the only one I have ever deleted. Within moments, I was objectified, re-tweeted with the dirtiest comments, and inundated with all manor of genitalia. In that same moment, I threw any reservations I had previously had with sex workers out the window and became a vocal supporter of their rights in both the written word and in person. There is zero doubt in my mind that sex work is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and I admire any person who is able to do it.

Decisions to Be Made

Image credit: Unsplash

After this experiment, I had to do some serious soul searching. My blog has always been about my story, experiences, and a written exploration of how I have grown as a non-monogamous, sex positive individual. I was frustrated that my freedom of expression inexplicably meant, for some, that I owed them more. I pondered how my blog could be such an affront to others? It wasn’t as if I was forcing anyone to read it.

Why are there so many out there, who cannot just be content with the content as is? Why were the lines I created not respected? Instead people torch them into oblivion by thinking with their genitals rather than their brain. Why does sexualized content have to be synonymous with dehumanization? This is the reality that I face by being sex positive online. It’s as if being sexually open is ubiquitous with sexual harassment. To accept these advances and in turn give you whatever sexual attention the audience craves, for free. If we say no, we are rebuked, shamed, and sometimes even slandered for our troubles.

Treating People with Dignity

While it is cathartic to rant and share these commonalities that sex positive creators receive in their various inboxes and comment sections, I would like to offer my ideal social interaction wish. Treat the content creator as a person. A real, human being, with whom you have an appreciation for whatever art they share. Then pause and pretend you are meeting them for the first time in real life.

What would you say to them? Perhaps you might mention an appreciation for their work, while offering a brief introduction of yourself. Say something flattering about some piece of content you enjoyed. Then say that you respect their time, and more importantly them, so you don’t want to impose on their time because you know it is valuable. At this point, please, gauge this person’s reaction, response time, and actually take the time to listen to their words. They are someone you admire after all, so make them feel like that. Whatever their response, end by politely saying it has been a pleasure, you will continue to support their chosen medium, and respectfully go on with your life.

Be Mindful and Respectful of Boundaries

Leave a lasting respectful and consensual first impression. Who knows, you may actually make a friend, a connection, or in some rare cases, more. But do not go into this scenario expecting anything, especially when interacting online. We share our art, writing, voices, images, and various other content publicly because we want to.

Please don’t be one of the multitudes of creatures out there who make us question our stance on being open, or sex positive. Don’t add to long list of rude, crude, or inappropriate people who feel that we somehow owe you something for you viewing our work. The reality is you consume what you want of your own free will. And we share what we want of our own free will. Those are the lines. Do not cross them.