When we think or talk about sex, many people’s first instinct is to define sex as penetrative, if not specifically as penis-in-vagina penetration. But of course, sex is much more broad that this. Partners can enjoy sex in ways that don’t involve a penis and vagina combination, and even in ways that don’t involve one partner’s genitals at all.

Why might somebody want to have sex that doesn’t involve their genitals? There’s a huge number of possible reasons. Somebody may have experienced trauma from sexual violence. They may experience genital related gender dysphoria, making interaction with their genitals psychologically uncomfortable. They may prefer sex that doesn’t involve direct interaction with their genitals due to medical conditions, such as experiencing difficulty maintaining an erection or painful penetration due to conditions like vaginismus. Some people may simply prefer to have sex that doesn’t involve their genitals. Others may find that having sex in other ways helps ease their orgasm anxiety. And some people may just want to try something new.

Of course, a person may have multiple reasons that they don’t want interaction with their genitals during sex. These reasons are not mutually exclusive. A transgender woman may, for example, not want to penetrate a partner with her genitals because she experiences genital related dysphoria. She may also have trouble doing so because estrogen hormone therapy makes it hard for transfeminine people to maintain erections.

The idea that “sex” necessitates penetration and/or genital interaction for all parties isn’t true. There are plenty of other ways to have sex, and the acts outlined below are just a taste of many possibilities.

Oral Sex

Oral sex does usually still involve one person’s genitals, but if you don’t fancy your genitals being touched, you can always offer to give your partner oral sex. If your partner has a vulva, it’s worth noting that studies have shown that the best predictor of how often a cis woman orgasms is how often they receive oral sex. As well as oral sex performed on genitals, you can also perform oral sex anally.

Because giving oral sex doesn’t involve the giver’s genitals at all, it can be an enjoyable sex act for people with a variety of circumstances. For people who don’t want their genitals touched because of trauma or dysphoria, it allows for their genitals to be unacknowledged. For those who experience difficulty maintaining an erection or orgasm anxiety, it can take focus away from their own genitals.

Using Your Hands

Fingering, handjobs, muffing, and fisting aren’t just for foreplay! Penetration with fingers can be just as satisfying as other kinds of penetration, both vaginally and anally. Use plenty of lubrication, especially if you’re penetrating your partner anally. Remember you can combine using your hands with other forms of sex, such as oral sex or sex with toys. Regardless of what genitals your partner has, asking them to masturbate so you understand what works for them and what doesn’t can be helpful.

If your partner has a penis, you can use your hands to give their penis stimulation, in combination with penetration or on its own. However, handjobs aren’t the only way to give your partner digital stimulation. First described in the zine “Fucking Trans Women” by Mira Bellwether, the act of “muffing” – tucking the scrotum into the inguinal canals and penetrating them- isn’t exclusive to transfeminine people. It can be carried out on AMAB* people with penises, regardless of their gender or hormones.

*AFAB people with penises from surgery do not have inguinal canals.

Grinding

Grinding and humping may seem like a throwback to your teenage years, waiting to have ‘real sex.’ But it’s its own totally valid way of having sex. Sometimes known as “frottage,” rubbing part of your body against your partner’s genitals can be done clothed or unclothed. It can result in orgasms for both people with vulva or with penises.

If your partner has a penis, one way to have non penetrative sex involves them placing their penis between the thighs, and thrusting to create friction. If your partner has a vulva, they may want to try grinding against your thigh. There’s lots of different ways to combine bodies depending on what genitals your partner has, where you like or don’t like to be touched, and what positions are comfortable for you.

Use Sex Toys

Sex toys aren’t just for solo play! There’s an almost endless list of ways to use toys on your partner, from using a dildo on them, to using a wand vibrator on their external genitals, to using a masturbation sleeve on them if they have a penis.

An alternative way to incorporate sex toys into partnered play is using strap-ons. While you might assume that strap-on toys are only for people who have vulvas, strap-on harnesses can be used by people of all genital configurations. For people who have penises, but struggle to maintain an erection or don’t want their genitals directly touched, strap-on play allows them to penetrate their partners.

BDSM & Kink

While BDSM and kink play sometimes go hand in hand with other sex acts, like oral, anal, or PiV sex, they can count as ways to have sex in their own right! Remember to talk about boundaries and desires with you partner(s) first and to research the risks you’ll be taken and how to manage them. After that, the world is your oyster! There’s as many ways to incorporate kink and BDSM into your sex life as there are people. From texture play to spanking, elements of BDSM and kink that include particular dynamics or sensations can be a welcome inclusion to sex that doesn’t involve one or both partner’s genitals. Plenty of people view it as sex on its own.