Whether it’s your first swingers party, or an unexpected twist after dinner with friends, the idea of group sex can be intimidating. What should you expect as you strip down and jump into bed with a group of people? Here are a few pieces of advice for the first timers.

Hosts provide, but don’t leave all the logistics down to them

Unless it’s discussed beforehand, don’t worry about bringing your own sex toys. Partly, because it’s awkward traveling with a butt plug, but also whipping it out can be really awkward and not everyone will be into what you’re into. It is usually easier to just leave it for another time if you play with the same people regularly. If the evening is planned, bring your own basics though – lube and condoms.

Resist the urge to pair off

This can be tempting, particularly if it’s a bit awkward, or if you have a gender preference, or if you’re there with someone you have been with before. It’s okay to pair off for a little while, but make sure others in the group don’t feel left out. An easy way to do this is to move one of their hands onto your body to show that you’re fine with them joining in too.

Don’t hog the attention (or the duvet)

This can be particularly easy to fall into if you are the third, or if you are the newest to the group. Be aware of who has had less time being the center of attention, remember to switch your attention to them, and make sure you alternate. You’re also going to have to learn to multitask a bit. If someone is giving you a lot of attention, use your hands to focus on someone else.

Know the basic positions

Two of the most common positions are double dip (like missionary, plus one), and doggy deluxe. While most of the positions in group sex will come naturally, it does help to have some knowledge about what works and what doesn’t work. Group sex looks a lot like a naked version of Twister.

Be mindful of everyone else in bed

It might be more comfortable to match the speed of someone else in the group, or alternate thrusts to keep things a bit smoother. Be mindful of what other people are doing so you don’t put them off, particularly if they are close to orgasm. Also be careful of where you limbs end up. An orgasm is much less enjoyable if you have an elbow being shoved into your face.

Establish a few things first

Keep this conversation as casual as you can, but have a quick check that people are using contraception or want you to use contraception. These are other things aren’t really bought up as much as assumed, so be upfront if you have a sexually transmitted disease, so the others in your group can take precautions if they want.

Ask and tell

Do your best to read the body language of others, but remember you can’t mind read. Don’t assume that because one person might be comfortable with penetrative sex with their partner, that this is also something they want you to do. It’s best to communicate this directly: “Do you like that?” or “Could you do that to me?”

Let couples have shared intimate moments

If you are in bed with people who are in a relationship, be mindful of their shared moments – it is often a way to keep insecurities at bay. You are just an observer in their relationship who will leave in the morning, but remember they will share these memories together forever. So let it be special for them. It can feel weird, even jealousy inducing, but you can avoid some of the awkwardness by averting your eyes for a moment and focusing your kisses or attention on a part of their body a little lower down. If you are the couple, be aware that these moments are usually appreciated for their brevity.

Take a break

It can be easy to get caught in the throws of a wild night but it can be good to take a break to keep in touch with your boundaries and slow things down a little. Let your partners know you’re okay before leaving the room, and that you’ve just going to use the bathroom or make a coffee. Splash some cold water on your face and take a moment to chill out for a few minutes. You can head back to the bedroom feeling a little more energetic, and more present in the moment to enjoy what is happening.

What happens in bed, stays in bed

Unless it has been said otherwise, assume your time together was private. And clarify this if you are keen to keep it private. If you want to share your experiences, speak about the night vaguely. “A married couple I met on Tinder” is fine, but using names or even professions is best avoided to protect everyone’s privacy.

What about when it’s over?

If you don’t speak after an orgy, it can be a time when anxieties and demons start to etch away at your brain. Grabbing breakfast together or having coffee while you’re still running the threesome high can reassure everyone that it was a fun shared experience, and you can still have a normal ‘daytime life’ as friends. If you were playing with strangers or acquaintances, consider dropping a text to tell everyone you enjoyed the evening. You could even make a group chat if you’ve already all agreed you will hook up again sometime soon.

And that’s it. You can give yourself a pass to skip yoga this week, and maybe cardio too. Remember group sex is not actually all that different from having sex with one other person, and it will probably come to you more naturally than you think. Keep communicating, be honest, and have fun.