When you’re hooking up with someone or trying to take things to the next (and very naked) stage, you need consent. But in a world where #MeToo is very much a real and important thing, what does consent mean and what does it look like?

Of all the things you might have learned about sex from childhood to now (and it probably wasn’t much), the one thing no one talks about enough s consent. So let’s clear up any doubts about what it actually is and how you get it.

Yes vs. No

In sex, a lot of people treat a lack of no as a form of consent.

“Well, she never said no.”

“He could have pushed me away at any point.”

For a lot of reasons, people don’t always say no even when that’s exactly what they’re thinking. They might be nervous. They could be afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings. Some people might freeze up because of things that have happened in their past. If you’re relying on a no and calling anything else “consent,” you’re doing it wrong.

Yes is consent. Hearing “Yes, keep going” or “Yes, right there, just like that, I love it” is consent. If she screams, “YAAAAAAS!” in pleasure, that’s consent. When he moans, “Fuck me, yes!” you’ve got consent. Yes means yes, and yes also means consent. Anything else? Stop right where you are.

Don’t Know if You’ve Got Consent? Ask!

Signals get mixed. Sometimes you plow on ahead, excited about the nookie you’re about to get, and think that things are cool. Until you realize maybe things aren’t cool at all. What you should do at that moment is self check and realize you haven’t heard a “Yes” yet (or at all). Do you really have consent?

This is an easy thing to fix. Not sure if you have consent? Stop everything and ask! A whispered, “Do you like this? Can I keep going?” is sexier than you realize. Pulling back and asking, “Is this okay?” can make your partner feel more comfortable. You’re showing care and respect for the other person instead of focusing only on what you want.

Here’s the other part to asking, though. If they tell or ask you to stop or don’t give you a clear yes, you stop. Completely. That’s it. Hands to yourself. Maybe even put your clothes back on. Until you’re absolutely positive they want you to continue, sit still and wait. And if you’re justifying their lack of a “yes” to keep going, you’re still doing it wrong.

Consent Should Be Informed and Enthusiastic

The simple definition of consent is that it’s a yes in the face of sex or any other contact. But it should be more than that. To have good, healthy consent, it needs to be both informed and enthusiastic. That means you both know what’s going to happen between you and you’re both good with the idea of it.

“I’m gonna spank your ass and then fuck you hard!” You’ve informed your partner of your intentions.

“Hell yeah, you are! Give it to me good!” They’re enthusiastically consenting.

When you and your partner have both information and enthusiasm, there’s never any question about whether you’ve got consent or not. This is the moment when both of you come together (pun not intended) and enjoy the hell out of whatever sexy or kinky thing you want to try. You’re on the same page, and you’re headed down the same path.

And before you worry that informing your partner makes it less sexy, let me stop you right there. You know what isn’t sexy? Finding a dick up your butt without being asked. Getting spanked on the ass when that’s not your thing. Tell your partner what you want to do to them, make sure they’re okay with it, and if they are, it will still be exciting. Why? Because they want it, too.

Consent Can Be Revoked

You’re not a victim of anything if your partner tells you to stop. They have every right to do that. Something might not feel right. Maybe they don’t feel good. It’s possible they thought they’d like that kinky thing but don’t. The reason doesn’t even matter. You’re not owed a reason. If you can stay cool about it, your partner may tell you exactly what’s wrong. If you freak out, though, they may shut down completely.

And if you keep going and ignore them, you’re now violating consent. That’s when you become a rapist and an abuser. Maybe you didn’t mean to and maybe you don’t think of yourself in those terms, but once you violate consent during a sexual moment, that’s exactly what you are.

Sometimes your partner doesn’t say anything but they’re also not as excited as before. They get quiet, or they stop responding and reacting to you. You may sense something isn’t right, but you don’t know what. Always, always, always ask. Stop what you’re doing and say, “Is this okay?” It’s possible that they’re just quiet during sex and will tell you to keep going. It’s also equally possible that they really need to stop but don’t know how to say it.

That’s why it’s so important that you look for enthusiastic consent. Once your partner doesn’t seem into it, start asking questions and checking in. It’s much sexier to have a partner make sure you’re okay than it is to have a partner who’s oblivious to everything but their own needs.

Consent is Required

Bottomline: consent is required. Anything else, and you’re breaking laws, hurting people, and generally being a douche. And if you think consent is confusing, it’s probably because you’re not comfortable actually asking your partner what they want and how they feel about the moment. It’s time to start practicing that skill.

From personal experience, I can tell you it’s very sexy when my sexual partner checks in.

“Is this okay?”

“Do you like it like this?”

“Can I keep going?”

That gives me the chance to stop anything that doesn’t feel good and it shows me that my partner cares about my pleasure as much as his own. Consent makes sex better and you sexier, and it makes sure your sexy moment ends as well as possible. When you’ve got enthusiastic and informed consent, what you don’t have are confusion and hurt feelings when you’re done.