Please tell me I’m not the only one who sat through awkward AF classes about how the penis thrusts, ejaculates semen, and then 40 weeks later, there’s a baby. It was aaaaawk-waaaaaard. But, for too many of us, it was likely our only definition of “sex.”

Penis goes into vagina. Move around a bit. Ejaculates. Sperm swim to egg. Boom! Then there’s a baby.

Of course, after that lesson, we were then taught to put a condom on (even if we weren’t shown how), use birth control, or (more likely) DON’T HAVE SEX BECAUSE IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!

This is clearly an awful way to teach anyone about sex. But it also leaves out a lot of details about what it means to enjoy and experience sex. So let’s talk about why sex is much more than you thought about it your entire life and how you can rethink the default definition of sex for the better.

Sex Doesn’t Have to Equal Intercourse

When you read the word “sex” what comes to mind? Is it the soft moans your partner makes? Are you imagining how your skin feels when someone touches you? There’s a good chance you’re thinking of one thing…where you’re going to put your penis.

Intercourse, specifically penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration, has been the “default” definition for sex for a long freaking time (I’m sure that’s historically accurate). But how then do people without penises or vaginas have sex if that’s the only way we think of sex?

The answer is obvious. It’s not the only way, but because cisgender, heterosexuality is treated like the “One True Way,” it’s all we’re ever taught in sex education. That is, if we were exposed to sex education. It’s also the default in places like porn where a quick search will often give you millions of hits that all look the same — legs spread, gaping vagina, massive dick.

Sex is so much more.

Throw Out the Concept of Foreplay

If your entire experience with sex is that you “warm each other up” to get to the “main event” which is PIV penetration, you should be very familiar with foreplay. And if you’re not familiar with foreplay but that’s how you have sex, things are going very wrong on many other levels.

When we treat penetration like it’s the only definition of sex, then it’s the only goal a lot of people have. Spend a few scant moments getting your partner’s body ready so you can jam your dick in deep. Some people don’t even know they should do that much. Which is one reason (among many) why many women fake their own orgasms.

But “foreplay” makes all the other sexy, orgasmic, and delicious things we can do to each other seem like things to check off your to-do list. In fact, all those things you’re potentially fast-forwarding through or possibly skipping can be other ways to have sex. You may not rush “foreplay” — hopefully you think it’s fun and feels amazing. But it’s possible you think of it as step one in a two-step process — and that’s the problem.

Other Ways to Have Sex

Because someone out there is genuinely asking themselves, “Wait? Other ways to have sex?” here’s a brief list. It’s not everything you can do, but if all of this sounds like “foreplay” to you, you’re proving my point.

Dirty talk: Over the phone, online, through text, you can turn your partner on with your words. When you’re separated by distance, sometimes it’s the only way you can have sex.

Masturbation: It’s sometimes called solo sex for a reason, but you can do it with your partner, too. Touch yo’self!

Oral sex: The word “sex” is right in the name. There are so many ways to enjoy oral sex: vulva and vagina, penis, and yes, ass (it’s called rimming).

Anal play: For some people, they enjoy having their booty played with but don’t want penetration. For others, they want anything and every jammed in there because it feels damn good.

Handjobs and fingering: This one probably seems obvious, but you can have an entire moment with your partner where it’s nothing but your hands on their body, and vice versa.

Other erogenous zones: Touching your partner’s nipples, giving them a sensual massage, even forms of kinky play and BDSM scenes all touch other parts of the mind and body. For some people, it’s better than any other form of sex.

Even Orgasms aren’t Required for Sex

Orgasms are hella fun for many of us. They feel good, they relieve tension, and having one can make you feel good and even reduce anxiety. We’re definitely pro-orgasm around here.

But unlike what you’ve probably been taught, sex doesn’t have to end in orgasm. Your sexual encounter — penetrative or not — isn’t a failure if one of you doesn’t get off.

Let’s clarify something. If you only focused on your orgasm, got yourself off, and never stopped to worry about your partner’s pleasure or orgasm, that is definitely a problem. Sex is a group activity, and everyone should get what they want out of the deal. If all you focus on is your own pleasure, you’re doing it wrong.

But you can touch each other, penetrate your partner, put your tongue in all kinds of nice places, and never orgasm. And it can still “count” as a good time. The key is communication and expectations.

If want an orgasm, go for the orgasm. But by taking the pressure off yourself and your partner, you can also reduce orgasm anxiety. For some people, regardless of gender, climaxing isn’t always easy. When you do “all the right things” to get yourself or your partner off and it doesn’t work, feelings of guilt, anxiety, frustration, and stress creep in.

But when you enjoy each other’s bodies in whatever way feels mutually good, reducing the importance of the orgasm, then the moment is successful whether you get off or not. You also increase intimacy with your partner — which is good if you want this relationship to last. That makes it easier to share sexy fantasies, try new things, and generally just feel good together. But even if you’re not looking for a relationship, re-thinking sex and orgasms definitely makes you better in bed.

What It All Means

So what does this all mean for your sex life? Hopefully, it takes some of the pressure off of you to perform. Maybe it means that you can focus less on a single form of sex and explore sexual pleasure in new ways. It definitely means you have so many freaking options for how to fuck, you can’t even count all the ways. And if it makes you a more attentive and better sexual partner, even better.