The Big Fling

Sexual Healing: Empowering Conversations with New Partners about Old Wounds

2024-12-12T15:59:56Z

Content Warning: trauma, sexual assault, recovery

The numbers don’t lie. Sexual violence is an all too common occurrence in our culture and although some demographics are at higher risk, no one is exempt from it. According to the RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) website, a sexual assault is perpetrated every 73 seconds within the adult population of the US. This means that most people you and I know, have been sexually assaulted.

If you are among the survivors, you know how challenging and negatively impactful sexual assault is. If you know someone who has experienced it, you may have a sense of how destructive such trauma can be and how long and personal the healing and recovery process is.

I’m a survivor.

I don’t mind sharing that information these days, but for a very long time, I couldn’t utter the words. I was ashamed, afraid of what it meant about me, how it would color people’s views on me. And I feared losing people I loved if I told them what happened to me. Eventually I told someone, and I got support through therapy and began to make some headway in my recovery. It was a long, hard process, and it’s still not over; it may never be over.

Along the way I have made careful decisions about who, and how, I share this particular history. But early on I promised myself that I would try my best to always be transparent with my partners, new and existing. At first I felt compelled because I felt that I owed them the truth, that they had a right to know. With some guidance from my therapist I learned that I don’t owe anyone that story, because it is mine and mine alone, and I can share it on my terms. Your story is your own and sharing it is your choice.

If you are thinking about sharing your survival story with a new partner, here are some suggestions and considerations I have gleaned from my therapist and learned along the way. These may not be perfect suggestions or solutions for you, and that’s okay, but at the very least you deserve to have these conversations on your terms and to leave them feeling empowered.

You don’t have to share everything…or anything

To reiterate, you don’t have to disclose your trauma history to anyone. And if you do, you are in control of what you share and what you don’t. Nagging, feeling guilty, or feeling pushed is not behavior you have to tolerate.

Prepare for the conversation

It can be easy to become concerned about the feelings of the person you are sharing with because it can be hard to share and hard to hear. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their comfort or their response.Sometimes people respond very strongly when confronted with the fact that someone they care about (you!) has been harmed. It is okay to ask them to temper their response if it upsets or triggers you.

Thinking through some ways to acknowledge their discomfort without giving up your own helps. Phrases like, “I understand why you are upset. Do you need a few minutes to cool down before we continue?” or “Please let me get through what I want to share, and then we can talk through it together” help both of you stay on track and get through the information without the inevitable emotions interfering. Again, it’s not your responsibility, just a consideration and may make it easier for you.

Use your resources

Preparation for a conversation of this gravity can include others in your life whom you trust. Talking things through ahead of time with a therapist, friend or mentor who is in the know can help you get your thoughts in order and also provides you a sounding board and safe space after the conversation occurs.

Take your time

You are under no obligation to have a succinct, palatable version of events to share. It can be messy; you can be messy. Cry or rage or sit in silence. You can adjourn the conversation and start again another time if it’s too much.

Ask them to hold their questions

Sharing an impactful and traumatic experience is challenging and requires courage and strength. If being asked clarifying questions is too much, that’s totally valid. It can be hard enough to get the information out once, let alone rehashing it as you field someone’s questions. It’s not your job to educate them on the nuances of the situation, in the moment, if that’s not feasible for you.

You deserve acceptance

The sad truth is that some people may respond poorly. Some will be at a loss of words, and some will hi-jack the conversation to soothe their own feelings. Their responses are not your responsibility, and you deserve understanding and safe acceptance. If someone responds to your story in a way that hurts or upsets you, give yourself permission to take some space and evaluate those feelings. It may not be a make or break thing, but it’s totally valid to feel disappointed by how someone reacts to your personal truth.

Expressing big feelings like pain, anger, grief, fear, and all the other emotions that can come with the survivorship of sexual trauma is hard work. It’s tough, but ultimately, it can go a long way towards gaining the sense of freedom and progress that recovery can give you. Choosing who you tell and how and when you share it is entirely up to you. You are in control of this conversation, and no one can take that away from you.

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7 Reasons to Pay for Your Porn

2024-12-12T16:00:35Z

The porn industry, like all sex and sex work (at least in the United States) is filled with hypocrisy. It’s arguably the most consumed media in the world. (In 2019, there were 42 billion visits to Pornhub according to their annual report, with 115 million per day on average.) Yet it’s also the most shunned. People want it (some say they’re even addicted to it) and yet there is a demand that it should be free. Porn actors and models often receive the same treatment in that they are desired but the concept of paying them seems to be over the heads of the majority of their so called “fans.”

Recently, the conversation about porn has been changing. Concepts like “ethical porn,” “feminist porn,” and discussions about better porn are popping up all over the internet. The documentary Hot Girls Wanted and its follow up, Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On as well as documentaries, specials, and articles like them have shed light on what goes on behind the scenes in the porn industry, for better or worse. Then there is #PayforPorn, a popular social media battle cry among people in the industry and their fans.

Thankfully, the conversation is not just focusing on the benefits for the porn industry (more money means more work, more actors, better stories, better tech, the list goes on). It also shares the benefits of the viewers who pay for their porn as well.

How You Benefit When You Pay for Porn

Be a little selfish with your self pleasure by checking out the ways paying for your adult entertainment can work out in your favor.

Internet Safety

Like slipping a condom on, paying for porn from sites like Erotic Films or Bellesa is just safer. Free clips and pirating sites are riddled with viruses, malware, and hackers fishing for your information.

It’s also safer legally. While it doesn’t happen often, arrests are made for pirating. The fines (not to mention legal fees) for those caught pirating tend to be much, much higher than simply paying for media in the first place. (The majority of porn site memberships cost between $10-30 a month depending on benefits).

Quality

Get to the good stuff easier and faster. When you’re paying for porn, you don’t have to scroll through hundreds and thousands of cheesy, cheap, and problematic clips, gifs, and images to find what you want. By choosing a legit site and paying them, they offer you value for your cash.

It’s easier to find porn more in line with your own kinks and fantasies this way, especially if you’re into some niche entertainment. Porn companies don’t have to show the same tried and true scenes over and over but can instead get creative with support. Costumes, sets, toys, and more all cost money but are so worth it when they bring the viewer’s deepest fantasies to life. Besides, which is better? A few clips of a couple in cheaply made costumes obviously banging in someone’s basement or quality costumes on well developed sets with multiple actors getting creative? Put your money where your answer is.

Viewer-Based Variety

We talked about paying for porn that caters to your kinks. You can also pay for porn that caters to you as a person. By paying for porn, you can support niches that employ people that are like you and the people you love and want to watch.

Paying for porn can support people of various minority groups such as actors of color and/or disabled models. When porn companies are supported by a variety of people who support niches, they don’t have to cater to the larger crowd for pennies. Instead they can give their patrons exactly who they want to see.

No Guilt, All Pleasure

Let’s be honest, there’s enough guilt in the world around porn. In fact, there’s whole non profit organizations focused on the idea that porn is malevolent and should be destroyed.

Rather than feed into that guilt, do your part to prove that it is a legitimate industry by paying for what you want rather than pulling it down by illegally downloading and watching hacked copies. The less porn is associated with illegal activity (pirating) the more it is seen as an industry that has earned its support financially and as well as legal and political support with general society.

Industry Benefits of Paying for Porn

Now that you see all the benefits paying for porn offers you, check out some of the great benefits that you can provide the industry.

Safety for the Porn Creators

Porn is sadly not the safest industry to be in. There are horror stories online and in documentaries about actors and models ranging from abuse and brutalization to stolen money and shady business dealings. When you support porn companies, especially independent companies or individual models, you create a safer space for them to work.

Feminism and More Pro-LGBTQ+ Porn

Porn doesn’t have to be the sexist industry that its stereotyped as. In fact, when you support individual models or companies owned and employed by women and members of the LGBTQ+ community, you also support pro-porn society and politics.

Supporting an Industry You Love to Use

Lastly, you’re supporting an industry that works hard to entertain its viewers and making it better, faster, and stronger. Why not make sure that the industry itself benefits from your views and dollars instead of some thief stealing and sharing clips?

Where Can You Get Some Serious Bang for Your Buck?

Now that you know why it’s important to pay for your porn, here is where you can get it. Enjoy this list of excellent indie porn sites:

Crash Pad

XConfessions/Lust Cinema

Or support a favorite individual porn model by supporting them through cam sites or personal sites.

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The Psychology of Voice-Only Communication in Chat Line Dating

2024-11-12T22:43:06Z

What Makes Phone Dating So Special?

Before the days of perfectly curated profiles and filters, connections were made through conversation—real, honest conversation. Chat line dating brings the voice back, offering something unique: the chance to connect with someone based purely on their voice. But why does this old-school approach feel so new and exciting in today’s world? Let’s break it down.

The Psychology Behind It

At its core, phone dating taps into a different part of how we form connections. We’re used to sizing people up visually (whether through photos on an app or at a party). But when you talk to someone on the phone, that layer is stripped away. Instead, you focus on their voice. It’s about the warmth, tone, and even the little pauses between words. These details, which often go unnoticed in face-to-face encounters or text conversations, tell you more than you’d think.

On a chat line, you’re picking up on vocal cues that reveal confidence, sincerity, and humor. Or, even the sweet awkwardness of someone a little nervous. The way someone speaks gives you a glimpse into their personality in a way that photos and text simply can’t capture.

Engaging Your Imagination

Here’s where the magic of phone dates really kicks in. When you’re on a chat line, your imagination takes the lead. Instead of judging someone by their appearance, you let your mind fill in the gaps based on how they sound. Do they have a contagious laugh? Is there a hint of mischief or warmth in their voice? Without visuals to distract you, your brain naturally focuses on what truly matters: how the person makes you feel.

And it’s not just a feeling. Research shows that voices carry emotions that are tough to communicate through text. A simple laugh or a calming tone can build a connection faster than a thousand emojis ever could. That emotional energy is what makes phone dating so powerful. It’s a direct line to the real person behind the voice.

Less Pressure, More Realness

One of the biggest perks of phone dating? You don’t have to worry about presenting a perfectly polished version of yourself. Forget obsessing over the right selfie or spending way too much time curating your profile. On a phone date, the focus is on your conversation, not your looks. It’s about what you’re saying and how you’re connecting with the other person, not whether your hair is perfect or if the lighting in your photo is on point.

This lack of pressure lets you be more genuine, and the same goes for the person on the other end. You’re both there to chat, laugh, and vibe without worrying about the usual dating app distractions. In many ways, it feels more like an actual date, where personality is front and center.

A Deeper Connection from the Start

In today’s dating landscape, where things can sometimes feel a bit shallow, chat line dating offers a breath of fresh air. Without photos, you’re forced to focus on what really matters! It’s no longer about how they look but how they think and feel. You’ll find yourself having deeper conversations faster because there’s no visual shortcut. It’s just two people talking, connecting, and getting to know each other beyond the surface level.

Without the distraction of appearances, you can have more meaningful interactions from the start. The conversation flows naturally, and you quickly learn if you truly vibe with someone based on how they communicate and what they care about.

Final Thoughts

If you’re tired of the endless swiping, shallow chats, and the pressure of modern dating apps, phone dating offers a refreshing change. It brings back the art of conversation. So, next time you hop on a chat line, embrace the opportunity to let your voice and personality shine. You might just find that the connection you make is deeper, more meaningful, and far more lasting than anything a picture or text conversation could offer.

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The Importance of Communication in a Long Distance Relationship

2024-12-12T15:56:01Z

For a relationship to survive, communication is key. Everyone hears this way too often, but not everyone knows how to convey themselves in a way that the other person would get. This involves knowing each other’s love languages to appreciate each other more and recognize efforts. It also means taking time to get to know your partner’s different ways of showing affection.

To express what you want in the relationship and understand your partner better, you also have to communicate. Couples have to physically see each other and talk. In this area, people in long distance relationships have it hard. Chatting online takes away a lot of tone in the messages, which could cause a few misunderstandings here and there. Sometimes, it helps to just have the presence of your partner to comfort you because not everything can be communicated with words. For partners who are separated by distances, it can get really frustrating.

Communication Obstacles

Image credit to The Gender Spectrum Collection

It can be difficult to maintain communication in a long distance relationship when it seems like there are too many obstacles. My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for a little over a year now. We met online, and since then, our primary modes of communication have always been through Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, or Telegram. This means we send each other photos, videos, and lots of voice messages.

Through the course of knowing each other, we’ve only seen each other a handful of times. We are about 4,290 miles apart. As if the distance isn’t hard enough for us, there is a huge 4-hour time difference as well. This makes communication even more difficult because we have a window of only 8 hours to talk in a day. We both have work, reducing that window of time significantly. Sometimes, we sacrifice precious sleep just to talk to each other a bit longer.

As if all that isn’t challenging enough already, we also can’t make voice and/or video calls. I know a lot of long-distance couples that video call each other a lot, but I’m afraid that’s not even an option for us. He is from a country whose telecom providers absolutely do not allow free internet calling services. This means no video calls from either Facetime or Skype, or voice calls from Telegram, WhatsApp, Messenger, or Skype.

They don’t offer it for free – it comes at a price. Of course, I know that this is something out of his control. I’m not going to force him to pay for something just so we can avail of internet calling. It’s not his fault that he happens to be residing there. Still, this limits our communication even way more. We’ve tried overseas calls using phone credits (or load) but we both know it’s very expensive, so we’ve tried it only twice.

Communicating Our Needs

We have a lot of obstacles between us that make communication more difficult – distance, time difference, and lack of calls. Despite this, we make it a fact to understand each other’s situation. We adjust to each other’s work schedules, we inform ahead of time if there’s something out of the ordinary in our daily routine, we make sure to tell each other when we’ve reached home safely, and most of all, we always give each other constant reassurance. Even if we can’t talk to each other that often, we still communicate our needs, situation, and more importantly, our love.

This is what couples in long-distance relationships should remember to do. Not being able to talk and see each other as much as most couples can get lonely. What’s important is to understand each other’s predicament and know that some things are out of their control. It’s tough being so far away from the person we call our home, but we have to be tougher and be comforted by the fact that we will see them again soon.

Take Advantage of Every Opportunity

As for me and my boyfriend, we managed to call each other online once. When he visited his friend in another country, it dawned on me that we could finally hear each other’s voices in real-time. It was completely magical and I smiled the whole time. It sure beats exchanging voice messages back and forth, which has seconds and minutes of conversation delay. I remember thinking, “So that’s how it feels!” I don’t think most people would grasp how much of a big deal it was. We were able to actually laugh together and just talk. I didn’t need to wait for a sign that he’s seen my message and wait for a reply because we were actually talking to each other in real-time. It used to be such just a concept for us!

Something so small meant so big for us. Other couples are so lucky that they get to spontaneously visit each other and go on dates, or even call each other when there’s something they want to share about their day. These are some privileges that long-distance couples simply can’t have.

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, and we have all sorts of difficulties in our way. In the end, what matters most is the love we have and the effort we put in. Even if there are some days where we’ve hardly even talked, it’s no worry – we are completely secure in how important we are to each other.

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Should You Be Having Phone Sex on Chat Lines? Let’s Chat About It!

2024-08-28T11:42:42Z

So, you’re thinking about phone sex on a chat line? Whether you’re just curious or ready to dive in, it’s important to know what’s what before things get steamy. Chat lines can be a great place to connect with people and maybe even explore some naughty fun—but only if everyone’s on the same page. Let’s break it down.

Can You Have Phone Sex on Chat Lines?

The quick answer is yes, you can totally have phone sex on chat lines. These lines are there for people to talk, connect, and sometimes, yeah, things can get a little heated. Whether you’re chatting with a stranger or someone you’ve connected with before, there’s definitely potential for some phone sex action. But here’s the catch—it’s crucial to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable with where the conversation is going.

Consent is the name of the game. Before you jump into something intimate, you’ve got to check in with the other person. Not everyone on a chat line is looking for phone sex—some folks are just there to chat or make friends. So, don’t just assume they’re down for anything. A simple, respectful question like, “Are you okay with taking this conversation in a more intimate direction?” can make all the difference. It shows you’re considerate and helps avoid any awkward or uncomfortable moments.

Why Consent Matters

Consent isn’t just a box to check—it’s the foundation of any good interaction, especially when it comes to something as personal as phone sex. And really, all phone chat. Without it, what could be a fun and exciting conversation can quickly turn into something awkward or even upsetting. If someone isn’t interested, or if they decide to back out at any point, it’s super important to respect that and shift the conversation accordingly.

Think of it like this: phone sex, like any intimate activity, should be enjoyable for everyone involved. The best way to ensure that is through clear communication and mutual respect. When both of you are on board, phone sex on chat lines can be a fun and thrilling way to connect and explore your desires.

In the Mood for Something Naughty? There Are Lines for That!

Now, if you’re specifically on the hunt for phone sex and don’t want to tiptoe around whether the other person is interested, there are plenty of chat lines that cater to exactly that. These naughty chat lines are designed for people who are ready and eager to jump straight into steamy conversations. When you call these lines, you know what you’re in for, and so does everyone else. This can take the guesswork out and let you dive right into the fun.

These specialized chat lines often have different themes or cater to specific fantasies, so you can find one that suits your particular interests. Whether you’re into role-playing, dirty talk, or something else entirely, there’s likely a chat line that’s just right for you.

Wrapping It Up

So, should you be having phone sex on chat lines? Absolutely—if that’s what both of you are into! The key is to make sure you’re communicating clearly, getting consent, and ensuring that everyone is comfortable with where the conversation is heading. And if you’re looking for something a little more on the wild side, there are plenty of chat lines that are designed just for that.

Phone sex on chat lines can be a fun and exciting way to explore your desires, connect with new people, and add a little spice to your life. Just remember to keep things respectful, communicate openly, and you’re all set for a great time.

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After Trust Is Broken: How to Move Forward Together

2024-12-12T16:05:49Z

Trust. It’s a small word with massive implications. It’s a feeling, a hunch, a sense, and a huge factor in getting close, and staying close, to the people we care about. Our values surrounding trust often develop early in life, influenced by the people around us who care for us. How our trust is managed or mismanaged by others when we are young and vulnerable and still learning how the world works, matters a lot. Like most things that we experience in our “formative years,” trust can have a big impact on how we move through the world and navigate relationships of all kinds.

How then, do we bounce back when our trust has been broken or if we have broken someone’s trust? Here’s a hint: it’s much more about you than it is about them.

Accept that it may never be the same

When trust has been broken, the initial priority is often to “get back to where we were.” While it’s a valiant goal to want to move forward and regain lost ground, accepting that you’re in new territory together and things may never be like they used to be, can be very empowering. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it can’t be great. If you are both ready to move on together despite the past, this acceptance will be challenging but possible. It’s okay to grieve the loss of what you had before the trust was broken, no matter who broke it.

You don’t need to be a hero, a victim, a villain or a martyr

Distrust often comes with disbelief: “How could they do this to me?” This is a normal emotional response to being hurt and part of processing complex feelings in intimate relationships. You may also feel determined to “fix” the situation you’ve caused, or to eternally punish your partner for their errors. If you truly want to move past an indiscretion or betrayal, process these emotions before you attempt to resurrect the relationship. Feel your emotions, talk to a therapist, journal, scream into a pillow. Do what you each need to do to walk the road to relationship redemption together.

Forgiveness is for you, not them

Few things doom a relationship like holding onto resentment. Forgiveness is key to truly moving on but it can feel really confusing and like you condone or support bad behavior if you forgive. Forgiveness may feel like a gift they don’t deserve, but on the flipside, you don’t deserve to carry anger and disappointment just to prove a point. Give yourself permission to forgive them because it’s the right thing for you. Give yourself permission to accept their forgiveness if you are the one responsible for the betrayal.

Do you agree on how to cultivate trust going forward?

If your relationship hit the skids in the past because of a breach of trust, trying to go forward without re-defining where the boundaries of trust are is an exercise in frustration. Talk it through until you understand one another. Agree on a game plan for how to avoid this sort of stumbling block in the future. Once you know what trust looks and feels like for both of you, talk about what you need in order to feel trusting of your partner, and what you need to feel trusted by them. Actions speak louder than words, as they say, but being thoughtful of both is essential if your relationship is still healing.

Don’t expect perfection

Perfection is a dangerous goal in any context, but it’s a recipe for disaster when it comes to expectations of a partner. If they are open to change and improvement and you’re both committed to continuing together, be reasonable in your requirements. This is not an opportunity to extort or punish them. If you still feel the need to lord their mistake over them, consider that maybe you are unable to move forward. Seeking counsel from friends or mentors is valuable in these situations (use your resources!), but make your own decisions. Ultimately, people in your life may provide perspective, but they are not in your relationship. You and your partner get to decide what works for you and what is acceptable.

You can’t get the toothpaste back in the tube

Sometimes, there’s no going back, and there’s no going forward. Sometimes a breach of trust can’t be repaired, and the relationship is no longer viable for one or both of you. Not everyone wants to try or is brave enough to try. Not everyone feels worthy of a second chance, and not everyone believes in giving them one. If you have tried and it just isn’t something you can get past, or even if you have considered it and decided that it’s not worth trying, that’s okay too. Trust is a primal emotion and following your gut, your intuition, your truth, is never the wrong choice. It’s okay to give up and walk away, just be sure that you’re sure.

Trust is a very personal and specific feeling, and everyone experiences it differently. If you have broken someone’s trust, or had yours broken, it may cause a wound that is slow to heal, or impossible to mend. For many people, trust is a lifelong series of lessons and learning opportunities. Take the time to understand your own standards of trust and how flexible you will allow yourself to be. Are the risks worth the rewards? Do you trust yourself to find out? Even if you have been hurt before, the only way to know is to try again.

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Casual Sex: Is It Right for You? The Age of Hookup Websites

2024-07-24T23:52:16Z

Casual sex can be a thrilling and liberating experience, offering an opportunity for adventure and self-discovery. But how do you know if it’s the right choice for you? And how can you navigate the world of hookup websites safely and effectively? Let’s explore how to determine if casual sex aligns with your personal desires and values, and how to make the most of hookup websites to find like-minded partners.

Understanding Casual Sex

First, it’s important to understand what casual sex entails. Unlike committed relationships, casual sex is typically defined by its lack of emotional attachment and long-term commitment. It’s about enjoying the physical connection without the strings. For some, this freedom can be incredibly appealing, while others might find it unfulfilling. Here are some key points to consider when deciding if casual sex is for you:

Your Comfort Level: Are you comfortable with the idea of physical intimacy without emotional connection? It’s essential to be honest with yourself about what you want and need from sexual relationships.
Emotional Readiness: Consider your current emotional state. Are you looking for distraction or healing from a past relationship, or are you genuinely seeking physical pleasure without the emotional ties? Understanding your motivations can help you make a more informed decision.
Communication Skills: Casual sex requires clear and open communication about boundaries, consent, and expectations. Are you comfortable discussing these topics with potential partners?
Safety Awareness: Are you informed about safe sex practices and prepared to take the necessary precautions to protect your health and well-being?

Exploring Hookup Websites

If you’ve determined that casual sex aligns with your desires, the next step is to explore hookup websites. These platforms can connect you with like-minded individuals seeking similar experiences. Here’s how to navigate them effectively:

Choosing the Right Platform: There are numerous hookup websites, each catering to different preferences and demographics. Popular options include Tinder, AdultFriendFinder, and OkCupid. Take the time to research and choose a platform that aligns with your goals.
Creating an Honest Profile: Honesty is crucial in casual sex encounters. Create a profile that accurately reflects who you are and what you’re looking for. Clear, honest communication from the start helps avoid misunderstandings and ensures compatibility with potential partners.
Setting Boundaries: Before meeting someone, establish and communicate your boundaries. This includes discussing safe sex practices, consent, and any specific preferences or limits you have.
Staying Safe: Always prioritize your safety. Meet in public places initially, inform a friend about your plans, and trust your instincts. Use protection to safeguard your health.
Managing Expectations: Remember that casual sex is about mutual enjoyment without the expectation of a long-term relationship. Keep your expectations realistic and respect your partner’s boundaries and desires.

Is Casual Sex Right for You?

Ultimately, the decision to engage in casual sex is a personal one. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do I Feel Excited or Anxious?: Your emotional response to the idea of casual sex can be a good indicator of whether it’s right for you. Excitement suggests readiness, while anxiety might indicate you need more time to consider your feelings.
Am I Seeking Fun or Avoiding Something?: Ensure that your motivation for casual sex is about seeking pleasure and fun, rather than avoiding unresolved emotional issues.
Can I Handle the Emotional Dynamics?: Consider whether you can maintain emotional detachment and handle the potential complexities that can arise from casual encounters.
Am I Prepared to Communicate Openly?: Successful casual sex requires clear communication. Are you ready to discuss your boundaries, desires, and safe sex practices openly with potential partners?

Final Thoughts

Casual sex can be a fulfilling and enjoyable experience if approached with the right mindset and preparation. By understanding your own desires and boundaries, and navigating hookup websites with honesty and safety in mind, you can make informed decisions that enhance your sexual experiences. Remember, the key to successful casual sex is clear communication, mutual respect, and a focus on mutual enjoyment. If this aligns with your personal values and desires, then casual sex might just be the adventure you’re looking for.

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Lessons Learned Using a Strap On

2024-12-12T16:54:23Z

The first time I experienced sex with a strap on was terrible. And it still makes me giggle today, nearly six years later. My two partners and I went to the local adult store. We purchased the first harness we found along with a sparkly, pearl colored, silicone dildo called a Unicorn. After we got home, my boyfriend and I tried it on.

We awkwardly tried to position ourselves and, after twenty minutes of angles that would have made Pablo Picasso envious, we sprawled on the bed in exhaustion. My husband watched from the corner with his feet up, shaking his head and snickering at us My boyfriend looked up at him, sighed and said, “A little help here?”

In the end, when people ask me about strap ons I just giggle and say they aren’t the most intuitive sex toy I’ve ever experienced. Thankfully, a few years of playing around has helped, and I’ve had less comical orgasms using them.

I am a cis-gendered woman. This, of course, affects my views and experiences using strap ons. If you are interested in the topic from a trans person’s point of view, with resources, I highly recommend checking out this Twitter thread by Corey Alexander.

Choosing a Strap On

Buying a strap on is like buying any other sex toy. The toy should be:

safe for internal and external use
the shape and materials comfortable to the users
it should preferably be aesthetically appealing to the users

Before purchasing, decide what you want to do with it. Is this for general wear, gender experimentation or play, or solely for sex with partners? It can be all of these things or flexible. Having an idea before buying helps you decide what you want instead of feeling overwhelmed by all your options.

Safety of use applies to both dildo and harness.

Some materials used in creating sex toys and harnesses can be unsafe. The best example of this is jelly rubber dildos which can cause chemical burns when used or worn against skin. Same with the harness, making sure that it is not made from materials wearer and their partner(s) are allergic to.

When considering comfort, size matters.

Many harnesses are one size fits all with adjustable straps. Unfortunately, these don’t fit all, especially plus size adults. Thankfully more companies are making harnesses that fit larger bodies like Wet For Her which offers harnesses up to 3X and 5x.

The second harness consideration is material.

Not only do you need to consider materials that won’t cause any allergic reactions for you or your partner(s) but also ones that are comfortable in general. My first harness was made from nylon straps that chaffed my boyfriend’s hips and my inner thighs so bad we could barely put pants on afterwards. Thankfully there are many other options including some that look like very comfortable boxer briefs or no harness at all. If you are going to wear these during sex or for long periods under clothes consider sweating, movement, and how many times you might have to make adjustments.

Lastly, consider the dildo itself.

If you are just starting out, consider a smaller dildo that is also soft and flexible. Of course, if you buy it to wear under clothes only, the length could vary depending on your comfort level arranging and wearing it under clothes.

When it comes to sex, well, I will never forget how bruised I was from all the jabbing my boyfriend did with that firm, long dildo – and I don’t mean bruised in a good way. I left the bed having a good idea how a medieval gate might feel when it was hit with a battering ram. A shorter, softer dildo would have allowed us to feel out angles much more comfortably, and there’s always room to go up in size and firmness later on.

Starting out a strap on with machismo and being a size snob doesn’t necessarily do anyone any favors.

My Favorite Strap On

After using various harnesses and dildos over the years, I fell in love with a strapless strap on. These are double ended dildos that curve so that the person wearing it can insert one end inside their vagina. Once in place, they use their muscles to grip it while using the other end to masturbate or penetrate a partner.

My boyfriend gifted me a Fun Factory Share when he started working at an adult store. He said he saw it and thought I’d enjoy having a purple cock all my own. He was right — I loved it! I took selfies with my big purple dick contrasting with lime green parachute pants and grinning like a dork as I sent them to my husband.

The best experience I had with a strapless strap on was later when my girlfriend used it on me. She was putting her toes into gender play and using a strapless strap on helped her slip into the headspace faster and easier. When I asked why, she said the harnesses she’d used in the past were uncomfortable and distracting. But going without them like this made it feel more organic and gave her more control to move.

Strapless strap ons like this, however, aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. The boyfriend that gave it to me never did find it comfortable. He explained that he was so focused on holding it in that he couldn’t get into using it. Others I’ve talked to about various sex toys found that being penetrated by and holding onto the toy was uncomfortable and threw them out of the headspace they sought.

This brings us back to how important it is to find the strap on that fits the user and their goals and comfort level.

No, Its Not Like in Porn

When my boyfriend pointed out that using a strap on is not like porn, we all had a good laugh. My husband was especially amused, mussed our boyfriend’s hair, and asked when he’d ever had sex that looked like it was in porn? The answer was never.

In porn, the focus is on the camera, even if the actors aren’t looking at the camera. The angles give the camera the best view, not comfort or pleasure to the actors and models involved. The actors and models are professionals who make facial expressions and moans that sound like ecstasy when all they want is for the person pounding them with a dildo to ease up a little.

With anything new regarding sex, including strap ons, it’s best to go slow and communicate. Ask and share what feels good, what doesn’t, and stay flexible with different positions until everyone involved finds what makes them happy.

The post Lessons Learned Using a Strap On appeared first on The Big Fling.

Finding Summer Love In Pajamas? Yep!

2024-06-25T15:42:48Z

As the summer heat ramps up, so does the appeal of cooling off indoors. The classic image of summer flings has evolved from beachside encounters and dance floor meetings to more relaxed settings. Nowadays, many singles are exploring the world of phone dating, finding romance without leaving the comfort of their air-conditioned homes and comfy pajamas.

Phone dating, which marries traditional telephone conversations with today’s dating scene, enjoys a spike in popularity during the warmer months. This method offers the distinct advantage of connecting with potential partners in a relaxed environment—no need to dress up or venture out. Phone dating not only enhances comfort but also introduces an element of privacy and intrigue to the dating process.

Comfort Meets Romance

Consider this hypothetical scenario: Jenna, a 28-year-old graphic designer, turns to phone dating because it was convenient and simply too hot to go out. She wasn’t expecting much, but chatting with someone intriguing while lounging in her PJs turned out to be fun and surprisingly intimate. Who wouldn’t want that?

This sentiment is widespread among users who find that summer evenings are perfect for engaging in meaningful conversations through phone dating, without the pressure of appearances. It’s the voice and the dialogue that count, offering a more authentic form of connection.

Tips for Keeping Cool Conversations

For those new to chat line dating, here are a few tips to make the most of your summer chats:

Smile While You Speak: It might sound a bit odd, but smiling can actually change the tone of your voice and make you sound more friendly and approachable.
Have a Conversation Starter Ready: Keep a few interesting topics in mind to avoid awkward silences. Maybe start with something as simple as “What’s the best part of your day been so far?”
Listen Actively: Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying. React, ask follow-up questions, and share your thoughts to keep the conversation flowing.
Keep Distractions at Bay: Ensure you’re in a quiet environment where you can focus on the conversation without background noise interfering.
Use Your Voice to Express Emotions: Since they can’t see your facial expressions, vary your tone and volume to convey your feelings and reactions.
Set a Time Limit: Sometimes, shorter calls can leave both parties wanting more rather than dragging out the conversation until it fizzles out.
Be Mindful of the Time: Initiate calls at a reasonable hour. Late night calls can be intimate, but make sure it’s a suitable time for both of you.
Respect Boundaries: If the other person seems uncomfortable with a topic, switch gears. Respect for each other’s boundaries is key to building trust.
Share a Laugh: Humor is a great way to break the ice. Sharing a funny story can lighten the mood and bring you closer.
Stay Positive: Keep the conversation upbeat. Positive vibes can make the phone call enjoyable and make both of you look forward to the next one.
Plan for the Next Call: If you enjoyed the conversation, suggest another call before you hang up. It shows you’re interested and builds anticipation.
Personalize Your Greetings: Instead of starting with a generic “Hello,” personalize your greeting with their name to make it more warm and personal.
Be Patient: Good conversations take time to develop, especially when getting to know someone new. Don’t rush—let the connection grow naturally.
Avoid Multitasking: Give the conversation your full attention. Avoid browsing the internet or checking emails during your call.
End on a High Note: Conclude the call while the conversation is still lively. This leaves a lasting, positive impression and makes future conversations something to look forward to.

As more people discover the joys of connecting in comfort, chat line dating continues to grow as a popular summer dating option. It’s all about making genuine connections, one call at a time!

The post Finding Summer Love In Pajamas? Yep! appeared first on The Big Fling.

How Does Valentine’s Day Work When You’re Polyamorous?

2024-12-13T10:10:31Z

Something that people ask me constantly at this time of year is “How should polyamorous people handle Valentine’s Day?” Whether you love or hate the Day of Love on February 14th, there’s no getting away from it – it’s everywhere! But when you practice a non-traditional form of loving and relating, the extremely traditional romantic narratives pushed by Valentine’s Day can feel inadequate at best and stigmatizing at worst.

So how DO polyamorous people handle Valentine’s Day? As with anything else relationship related, there are no simple or one-size-fits-all answers. I asked a bunch of polyamorous people how they do it. Maybe their answers will give you some inspiration.

“We all celebrate together!”

This can be a great option if you’re in a group relationship (such as a triad or quad) or if you practice kitchen-table polyamory. And if you all live reasonably close to each other or can make schedules line up.

This could be a big group outing or date somewhere, or simply a quiet night in at home with your loved ones. “I’m having a games night and inviting all the folks I like to it,” Sophia told me on Twitter. “No dates, no gifts, but local partners and metamours are all invited.”

“Separate dates with everyone!”

This works better if you have different schedules, live in different places, or just don’t have the kind of relationship where you all spend group time together. How you do this, of course, depends on things like energy levels and money.

“One year I did breakfast out with one, lunch with another, and dinner in with another!” Ness told me. That sounds both amazing and exhausting. You could spread your dates out over several days or even a couple of weeks if that works for you, of course. What matters is being together, not doing everything exactly on February 14th. (Ness also mentioned that she’d like to put together a cuckolding scene for a guy she’s dating for Valentine’s Day this year, but cites being “pressed for time” due to her upcoming exams as a hindrance to this plan!)

“Celebrate it with the people who care!”

If you have one partner who loves Valentine’s Day and another who would happily ignore it completely, it’s totally okay to celebrate with the person who cares about it.

I once heard a lovely story about a woman who didn’t care about Valentine’s Day but knew her husband’s girlfriend did, so she sent them off on a special date together. What matters isn’t that everything has to be equal, but that everyone feels taken care of and like their needs are being met.

“Do something sexy that isn’t traditionally romantic!”

SB told me that they once celebrated Valentine’s Day by going to a Fetish Flea (a kind of market where people sell kinky things) – and I absolutely loved this idea. It could be a fetish event, a night out at a sex club, setting up a scene you’ve been wanting to do for ages, having a big orgy with all of your lovers (and I admire you immensely if you can pull this off,) or even just having a night in with your vibrator and your favorite porn. Doing whatever you find sexy is an entirely valid and awesome way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

“Cards and gifts!”

“I do cards for everyone,” Abigail said. “I rather enjoy going out and buying three Valentine’s Day cards at once!” (Have you ever done this? I recommend it, it’s hilarious.) “None of us are big into Valentine’s,” she added, “but it’s nice to do something small.”

A few years ago, I used to buy small gifts (think: mini boxes of chocolates) for all my partners regardless of level of seriousness. I was broke as hell and didn’t have a primary partner to go on a date with, so this was a low-key way of expressing affection to the important people in my life.

“Celebrate other kinds of love!”

Galentine’s Day takes place on February 13th every year and was created as an antidote to the Valentine’s focus on picture-perfect romantic love. Galentine’s Day celebrates female friendship in all forms. If you’re a woman, why not buy flowers for a special woman in your life – your best friend, roommate, metamour or sister? – to show you how much you love her?

“I get gifts for my friends!” Othlon told me. “I love them too so why not use the day as an excuse to show that?”

Polyamory is not just about many loves but many kinds of love. This is a perfect way to acknowledge that not all meaningful relationships fit the Hollywood script.

“Take advantage of discounts the day after!”

My partner and I never go out on Valentine’s Day itself. It’s too crowded, too expensive, and being surrounded by displays of extremely traditional hetero-mono-normative romance isn’t our idea of fun. Instead, we have our own celebration – Sushi and Fisting Day (coined by an absolute genius on Fetlife) takes place on February 15th. I invite you all to celebrate it if this sounds like fun to you!

Rose describes Valentine’s Day as a “commercially-driven shit-show” but describes the 15th as “YAY cheap chocolate day!”

“Ignore it completely!”

There’s no obligation to celebrate Valentine’s Day at all, whether you have one partner or two or ten. If both or all of you just don’t feel like it or can’t be bothered, please consider this your permission slip to ignore it entirely. It doesn’t make your love any less real or your relationship any less wonderful!

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day in your polycule? Tell us about it!

The post How Does Valentine’s Day Work When You’re Polyamorous? appeared first on The Big Fling.